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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I am a black single female who is born and bred in a multi-cultural city. I date/pursue men who I am initially attracted to and this can be of any race different to my own. I have noticed that on more than a few occasions if I become close with a guy, they would say “You are my first black girl or I have never been with a black girl before” I personally find this offensive, not in a racist way, but more like why do you have to say that, does this mean I have to behave in a certain way or something. But when I see the guys face he says it as if he is providing me with a compliment. Does anyone see this comment as a compliment or an offence? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much everyone. The majority of men I have dated/pursed have been white and this comment had been made to me a few times before. the main reason I found it offensive was that I perceived the comment to mean that I had to live up to the stereotype, that come with being a ‘black girl’ as portrayed in the mainstream media, music videos i.e. having a big booty, attitude, rather than been portrayed as an individual. I understand the comments about ‘red, blond and blue hair’ I suppose it’s similar to perhaps suggesting that blonds have more fun. I appreciate the fact that as it could be seen as an ice breaker and I realise it was intentionally supposed to be a compliment. However the question did allow me to question his motive and his intentions towards me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2012): I've never dated outside of my race but I have a female friend who is black. I asked her what she thought about it and she said that she wouldn't find it offensive because there is nothing offensive about having black skin. She said that it is a defining feature since most people where we live have white skin, if someone had blue hair you would refer to them as the blue haired girl. Just a fact, not any kind of insult.
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (2 November 2012):
 Yes, I think it's a thoughtless, asinine and offensive thing to say.
I don't believe in races. I think the longer we as humans cling onto separating us all, depending on the degree of shade of skin color we have, the longer we will have ignorance and racism blossoming.
Anyhow,
I'm sure he thought it was a "compliment" as to explain how uniquely he is attracted to you. But doesn't that also mean that he is attracted to you despite your skin color? It's hard to say. To put it mildly, it's a foot-in-mouth "compliment.
I would tell him there are MANY MANY other ways to compliment you. Not that he should walk around eggshells.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2012): Not really, more a statement of fact. To me it would be the same as saying you never dated a soccer fan before or someone who likes mushrooms.
I think it's just that race is such a massive issue still in your country that you don't like guys pointing out that difference because it shouldn't matter.
But it does http://www.slate.com/blogs/the_slatest/2012/10/27/poll_finds_majority_of_americans_are_racist_prejudiced_against_blacks.html
OP I just can't see how being black is not something that is going to be some kind of point of difference in your dating life given the history of your country and the issues African Americans still have to fight against. Even the most open minded and relaxed white people were raised in a country deeply drenched in a disgusting history of racial abuse on a an unimaginable scale and it envelops everything. Racial stereotyping is still the norm there, I mean Ireland is full of American TV it's all we watch and the way black people are portrayed on American TV and culture is as being different. Hypersexual bad boys, obsessed with money, guns, drugs and the ones who aren't are comedians. No matter how equal you are everything in your culture says you're different. White people call themselves American and you're labelled African American, even though they should be European American.
While those guys mentioned it as an aside, not even nearly a big deal, to you as a black person your race is far more important to you in that respect. So while I as an Irish guy see it as just a statement of fact, like telling a woman you're the first red haired woman I've dated or as I've heard tonnes of times the first bald guy, growing up where you have, dealing with race as such a powerful issue I think you get offended because it will never be a truly menial thing for you. I mean I personally think what Morgan Freeman says about black history month (it's on youtube) says it all. All it does is set black people apart for no reason at all. History is history and we're all part of it.
I don't see it as a compliment nor an offence, just a novelty like dating a virgin or a woman taller than me for the first time. I've never dated a black woman, there simply aren't all that many in Ireland, like it or not I know a hell of a lot of women in Ireland who want to 'experience' a black guy. Purely due to race, stereotype and novelty. Black men are stereotyped as alpha, bad boy types with big dicks and I have to say the ones I've known really enjoyed that fruits of that stereotyping. It's something you should really just let slide, a racial difference is always going to be a kind of new, exciting for any white etc. guy you date when he hasn't dated a person with your skin tone before. I think you know they mean it in the sense of the read hair, or being a sports fan but I can understand why you would feel it a tad offensive. You were born into a country where even issues of equality seek to highlight you as being somehow different. Strange country you live in to be honest.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2012): I wouldn't necessarily say this is a compliment, but on the other hand, I don't think they mean it in an offensive way either.
I know its wrong to assume, but maybe they assume you don't normally date guys of different races, so maybe they think by saying something like that, it would break the ice a little and take a weight off the shoulders by letting you know they are in the same boat (clearly not the case as you've said, but they don't know you're open minded at that point)
I personally think the majority of the general population could benefit from understanding other races in the 21st century. Its not like the old days where people had to associate with members ONLY of their own race and background.
I can understand how it would make you feel uncomfortable and like you're not good enough or you're expected to be someone you're not, but rather than take this offensive, I'd try to look at it as just the lack of education in people when it comes to different races of this day and age :)
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2012): You are?1:black2:single3:femaleWhy is black first? and not single?That the order matters is your answer. Star Trek was the first TV show to show a inter racial kiss. Name the second. Name current show with a mixed couple where this NOT important in anyway.Not justifying it, just showing that if you date outside your race you will often be their first.
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female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (2 November 2012):
 I'm biracial, but still, most people just see that as "black". I've gotten a few of those, and yeah - it offends me too. I feel the same way. Why do you have to say that? Are you counting? Is this some sort of big event for you?
I'm just a person. We're all just people.
If it's that much of a landmark for them, then it feels like they're paying way too much attention to my skin color and not to who I am. I adore my husband because in 8 years, he has never said a word about the color of my skin. Never. Once I asked him about it, and he said that he's really never thought about it. He said, "I just think you're hot", which was perhaps not the most romantically phrased thing, but I loved him for it. (He's white, btw). When people say that thinks about the color of my skin like the things people have said to you, it makes me feel uncomfortable and weird... and like maybe they feel uncomfortable and weird.
Personally, I don't take it as a compliment. Though, perhaps sometimes they somehow mean it to be a compliment. I don't think they're saying it to be malicious. They're just being a bit ignorant. But - for all you Cupiders out there thinking of saying something similar in the future - no matter the race - whether or not you mean well, it hurts just the same.
(That, and stay away from the one I get CONSTANTLY and absolutely HATE. "You're the whitest black girl I've ever met". My closest friends in the universe are (probably not so coincidentally) the ones who have never said that to me. I am who I am. The color of my skin doesn't dictate behavior, my actions and personality do. Just saying.)
I guess you hit a bit of a sore spot with me. Vent over. :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2012): i am a white girl and had a relationship with a black guy for many years. I used to make myself angry because when i used to describe, talk about him, I used to say he's black,we had a good relationship and I decided it was because it was the same as saying he has blue eyes, straight hair whatever....I think it is more odd that these men mention you are the "first black girl" as if it is just another conquest, so yes I think i would find it offensive. It kind of shows that they view women in a strange way, so it would be their attitude that was the issue, not race.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2012): I'm black too precious and 27. They are thinking out loud. They were intrigued by u but yet attracted to u so that was unusual for them, maybe. It's like not being a big fan of chocolate but ur kind of in the mood for sweets and the chocolate eclair looks so delicious n tempting. You give it a try n wow, u now like a little chocolate of a particular kind. Same as them, maybe they're not generally attracted to black girls but something about u made their mouth water n they couldn't resist your chocolate, now they just blurt out what they're thinking without processing it bc to them ur more than what they imagined. It's a nice compliment. I've dated several white men. N I love to be their first chocolate serving of sweetness. N its keeps em coming back to the table that sugar rush I give them. LOL. They only mean u broke a barrier for them.
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female
reader, cgrlygo +, writes (2 November 2012):
 I'm not sure if i would find it offensive but men being men... i would think they mean it as in a compliment I amctually said to one individual "I've never dated red heads" which means just that... usually I'm not attracted to red heads but in one particular case i did... and thats exactly what i said...he gave me the same look... but I truly meant it as a compliment. But I can see how he took it the wrong way... ( we eventually got married btw) lol... try not to take it to seriously and ask them with tact.. "really?? how come?? what makes you attracted to me? But remember with men you have to say it in a way that doesn't send them running. good luck!!
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