A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:HiIve been with my partner almost 3 years now, its a distance relationship. We get on fantastic when together but sometimes the strain of being apart leads to a few arguments.We both have decent jobs we have had for 20 years and dont want to give them up.Weve talked about moving in together for a year or so now, and my partner has finally said we sign up to a home this weekend or split up. I totally understand why shes given an ultimatum...id probably dither forever and things need to move forward.The problem is that when picking a location midway between us it means a commute of 90 mins each way for both of us. Aside from the time involved travelling theres a huge cost (300 uk pounds a month each) in travelling which means money will become very tight indeed.I definitely want to live with her and love her, but im really worried that the strain will be too much for us, and that at some point down the road ill end up single, but without my nice CHEAP home.So the question is, would you do a 90 minute (each way) daily commute to be with a partner?. Has anyone done it before?I can use public transport which i think will make it easier for me- i can sleep or read en routeBut she will be driving and i cant help thinking it will grind her down fast.Thanks
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 July 2011):
 No. 3 hours commuting a day on top of the work day ? Unthinkable. You'd both be perennially tired and stressed out and you'd probably spend arguing the little time that's left.
I had a long distance marriage for a few years.He worked in another town and come home Friday night to Sunday night /Monday morning. It worked beautifully for us , during the week we could devote ourself to our jobs and interests without the pressure of making time for each other, and we were really looking forward to the weekends that were always very romantic and carefree. Trouble only started when we eventually got riunited and started living together, lol !
But of course that's not a solution that could appeal to everybody, it's right for some people and wrong for other.
In any case , I would avoid the 90 minutes commute adventure, I think it would be really draining both physically and psychologically.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2011): Hey hey -
I've done a 70 minute commute each way, and it was hard but bearable. I was very tired by the end of the week! But it was worth it. Plenty of people do 90 minutes or more - but they are generally knackered!
One thing I would say is this: if you have two people commuting, and two people getting tired, you have twice as many problems, because everyone's tired and there's no-one to pick up the day-to-day stuff so you lose quality of life. In my experience, it's easier if one person is close to work but spends the commute time handling the house and cooking etc. while the other person travels further. I also know couples where someone stays away Monday to Thursday for work, coming back on Friday for the weekend. If that is financially possible, even if it means getting a smaller place together, it could be a workable solution for the next year or so. If things go really well, then maybe you can both reconsider the idea of giving up one of the jobs, and cutting out travel altogether, in the future when you are more secure together as a couple.
It's a tricky one - I hope you can find an answer! Good luck!
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