A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been married to my husband for 13 years. We started out with a great sex life. Things mellowed out to a completed halt after dealing with infertility issues. I do love him however, we have had major fights regarding porn. I don't like it and feel he is betraying me. No matter how many articles I've read saying it's not cheating, I can't help how it makes me feel. We went to a counselor but it didn't help. We were sexually inactive for a few years (yeah, that's right) because of this and a few other things. I have worked hard to rekindle things between us recently and have turned just about every sexual encounter between us into a fantasy encounter (including toys, oral and anal). Imagine how hurt I am to find that he is STILL going online to look at porn almost daily? (even when he's supposed to be caring for our almost 8 yo daughter). I'm more than devastated. Oh, did I mention that he's white, I'm black and all his porn is white (not that black porn would make me feel any better) but he's DEFINITELY looking at a menu he can't order from. Am I crazy? How do I get past this? Should I get past this? Should I confront him again?
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female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (5 August 2013):
 In relationships, most things can be resolved or worked out, but where one partner refuses to budge on an issue, sometimes the only option is to leave.
For my marriage it was gambling. I couldn't make him stop, he didn't want to stop...it killed the marriage. Was I in the wrong for not putting up with it? or was he in the wrong for refusing to quit it?...neither, it was an impasse.
You are now at that impasse with pornography...you can't move him, so move yourself. Not saying it will be over, but it might give him a wake up call.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2013): Janniepeg, the infertility issue is resolved. We ended up adopting our daughter ( we were both the blame for the infertility--my crappy eggs and his sucky swimmers). We're both happy how that part turned out. I just don't understand how he thinks its ok that he does this. I have told him how it makes me feels and he says hrs sorry but it keeps happening. Frankly, I think he must be addicted. After a couple years of not doing it, we're doing it 3+ tomes a Week. You'd think he'd be happy with that , especially after all of this. And like I said, we've been experimenting --not going the oldissionaru route. After putting in this much effort, you'll think he'd be satisfied. Evidently, I'm just not enough. He days I am but then, he surfing the web daily. Ugh!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2013): It sounds like he is not committed to making your marriage work.
I personally don't have a problem with porn, but I do think it is extremely callous for a partner to watch it knowing that it hurts his wife.
I wouldn't pay too much attention to the fact that he's not looking for porn actresses that look like you. It is after all a way for someone to get different stimulation from their norm. He wouldn't have married you if he wasn't attracted to you.
Your marriage has been on the rocks for a while now. Maybe just ask him quite directly if he wants to make this work. He either thinks it's worth saving or he doesn't. Ask him to make that decision and stick to it. It might mean that he'll ask for a separation but to be honest with the way you are going, that's where you're headed anyway.
I would start making an exit plan if I were you. Unless you're happy to continue doing this for another 30 years.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 August 2013):
 I am only against porn if it affects your sexual relationship or it becomes a private sanctuary to hide from problems in marriage. Porn with white men and black girls are considered rare, so it's not like he picks white girls to look at. There are lots of porn with white girls and black men but this is probably not something he's turned on by. Men can be obsessed with penis, but in this case he might be obsessed with his inability to produce children, if he's the one to blame for the infertility. So porn works temporarily to distract him from this issue. You already have an 8 year old, so I don't understand why this infertility thing is causing so many problems. Pouring your love into your marriage and your child is more important than chasing for a second and third child. Is it just an excuse? Is he getting it elsewhere?
You should confront not the porn watching but the lack of intimacy and direction of the marriage. Focus not on the bad behavior of porn watching but on the lack of sharing, reciprocating of love.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (4 August 2013):
 Frankly, as a guy, I would suggest that you give up on him, take your daughter, and be on your way. He, apparently, shows no sign of understanding you and "where you're coming from".... which is another way of saying that he is rather narcisstic, and only HIS feelings count.
Guys like this don't "reform" or, even, TRY to understand that what they are doing is stupid and harmful... not ONLY to this marriage/relationship... but any (marriage/ relationship) that they might wish to have in the future.
We (guys) sometimes get really obsessed with our penises... and, when we do, we aren't about to let ANYTHING stand in the way....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, DESIRUBZ +, writes (4 August 2013):
The man and women need to sit down and speak about their concerns so they both understand and see where they can place amends if they want to try and save the relationship
men like to view alot of porn with different images to see and experience knowledge on the type of positions and sexual acts that they can try that doesnt mean that he is unfaithful he should express this by trying reason sexual activities with his women by consulting her and compromising with her if she wants to try but to keep a healthy relationship they must compromise to each others needs
if he cant excite his partner then i cant see this relationship working out but the best option will be to sit and discuss concerns listen to each other and compromise
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