A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:The difficulty I have is that I am infatuated with a woman at work and I’m married. I seem to have been up and down this problem and whenever I seem to have a new understanding of where I am I fall down a snake and I am at square one again. What I mean is that whenever she is not around I am happily working away but when she is around I cannot think straight and go thru highs and lows of expectation and rejection and so on. I wish I had a switch in order to turn off such helter-skelter feelings but there seems to be nothing I can do about it. How would you cope with such a situation in order just to be happy working with your colleagues and without seeing this woman as special?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanx for the reply ‘anonymous, 27 November 2008’. ‘It's nice to know others go through he same problems, but it does not help the hurt any. I feel better when I don't see her, but then once I see her sparkling eyes I'm done for for days…I don't know what I'd expect if I told her anyway, I don't know what I would want to hear as her response’Yes exactly how I feel. I also go thru wanting to tell her and within a few minutes get a fright at the very idea. I feel I am courting rejection once again and as you say she may use it against you in the job because she is pissed at you or whatever (of course the silly romantic side of you couldn’t believe she would do such a thing, but the danger is there). ‘I don't know what I'd expect if I told her anyway, I don't know what I would want to hear as her response’There you go, that’s exactly it. But when I was in her presence yesterday I didn’t think of that, all I could feel was how perfect it would be if she showed me some affection or told me she felt the same – a hopeless dream which will never happen and I will be frustrated to a frazzle if things keep going in this fashion. "Anybody out there want an affair…hel-lo-oh, anyone at all…affair goin real cheap’’ :)
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2008): I've been going through the very same issue for the past few months, that's how I found myself here. Lots of similarities; the ups and downs, romantic feelings as opposed to just sexual. Ive had little things for other women, usually I can masturbate to a sexual fantasy with them once or twice and it goes away, but not this time. I don't even think sexually about her much any more. I more think about what shes doing on Saturday morning and wishing I was there.
It's nice to know others go through he same problems, but it does not help the hurt any. I feel better when I don't see her, but then once I see her sparkling eyes I'm done for for days. I'm in a great marriage but life has been feeling mundane lately. I recall wishing for some "drama" in my life to help me feel more human. I don't know how to get rid of the emotions, and unfortunately at least at this stage I don't really want to.
I wish I could tell her and get it off my chest because telling my friends has not helped. But I'm afraid she will feel uncomfortable and I might wind up losing my job (which I love.) I don't know what I'd expect if I told her anyway, I don't know what I would want to hear as her response.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question
Hi again, as y'all can imagine I am not over this or i wouldn't be here. It comes back to strike when you least expect.
To: [A reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2008):]
Just wondering how you are getting on with your 'other woman'?
I had a nice interlude when my 'other woman' was traded to a new department close to my office. We seemed to get on as of old and I was wondering what had changed to bring this nice scenario about.
It didn't last as usual and when I got used to being at ease with her she bolted. I know she had a lot on her plate at the time and might find out more 2morrow or, I might find that she is on to me again and is running scared. Ah well, nothing ventured nothing gained.
There was a nice moment when there was silence and I whispered 'its gone very quiet' she whispered back 'I Know, it gets like that here'. Then there was a sudden crash of a door as someone came into the room next door and we both got a start and laughed quietly. It was so cool: *it must be love-love, lo...* and then she bolted. D'oh!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2008): I have been in the exact situation you are in for the last 4 years. I am completely obsessed with this co-worker, and nothing I do makes me forget her, and I have tried. I think about her every minute of the day. I thought time would help, but it just seems to be getting worse. Unfortunately, I have no advice for you. I am living with the ups and downs every day. Its a real roller coaster. Good luck!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionActually pretty pathetically sex doesn’t play a big role in this (did I just say that!) at least immediately, its more romance. When I get romantic notions about a woman I imagine ‘waiting’ for them…to be ready, if you know what I mean.
Interesting day today tho, we went team building - paint-balling, it was great. I won : ) Anyway, Herself was there and you know she looked pretty ordinary – why the big change from just a few days ago I can’t say.
One of the other lights of my working life was there (shes younger than Herself : )) and she looked great. She seemed quite fond of my presence; but don’t worry I’m going to behave this time, no really I am. In fact I’m quite sure I am …I think. Oooohhhh but its so hard. As OW said ‘the only thing I can’t resist is temptation’ : (
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female
reader, ariel  + ♥, writes (30 August 2008):
 Congrats 15yrs of marriage! Sometimes food smells better than it tastes.
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female
reader, ready2bolt  +, writes (30 August 2008):
Hey - just wanna' add something from the poor little wifey's perspective. No one can blame you for finding other women attractive and an infatuation is not only normal, but probably to be expected. But here are a few things to keep in mind -- the fantasy is usually waaaaaaayyyyy better than the reality and if you really want to take the steam off this infatuation then talk to your wife about it. Make a joke of it -- the two of you can mock the co-worker together, laugh about her faults and joke about your infatuation, joke about threesomes, or let your wife tell YOU about the co-worker or other men in her life that SHE finds irresistable! Just get this out in the open in some way, shape or form. That will help tremendously!!
Also - don't take this so seriously. This really does not need to become a "do I cheat or don't I cheat" kind of scenario -- esp. if you are a Real Man of integrity, which it sounds like you really want to be. Don't buy the crap that only real men cheat -- that is a lie. Only real liars cheat -- doesn't matter if you are male or female. Too many folks try to make this stuff out like it HAS to be a choice about becoming an adulterer or not and miss the whole point. It is a "how do I enjoy all these great people in my life in a way that really makes my life richer as an honorable human being" (as opposed to a lying sack of dog poo) Enjoy this person but respect who she is and keep some self-respect (esp. at work!!) and respect for your wife and family too. You can do it!!
At the end of a day a liar and a cheater is not cool - no matter what or how much tail you are getting. After all, if you sleep with this woman, you put your wife not just in emotional harms way, but her sexual health in harms way. What kind of human being would DO that to someone they have promised to protect, love and support?! So keep a clear head. And - if you think that you can't live your life without this woman, then you need to do the honorable thing and separate from your wife and family BEFORE you take the plunge. This is not just about the Other Woman's sex appeal -- it is about being happy to make the right choices. If those choices are really mussing up your soul, then you need to keep your vows but get some space to sort out what is going on inside and above all -- be honest with YOU and YOUR WIFE. The affair starts there and you can end it there too -- the third person is just dust in the wind! As a couple you should be able to find a way to take on this stuff and meet it head on with a unified front.
I hope you and your wife find a way to ramp things up and that eventually the shine will wear off the poor grammar girl at work.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2008): Man-boy-male-bloke here again. The fact that any guy is willing to spend any time on this web-site deserves the award of multi-bazillion brownie points. We're trying to be socially astute and charismatic men-folk so don't do us down. All the other idiots are out there in the pub staring at a woman's chest just in order to get over their ex - assuming they had a woman to start with! Anyway - I'm off to a pub now to stare at women's chests. Have a good evening!
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (30 August 2008):
 Poster, I love your attitude - I too would want to talk to you at work : )
Man-boy-bloke: 'I think that ultimately a man's ego is boosted by the act of sex whereas a woman's is boosted through acts of romance (flirting, attention and compliments are part of this) without sex needing to be involved. I may be wrong of course!' - you ARE wrong! well, if the sex is good, it is also an amazing ego boost for the woman too, and makes her feel in a very good mood with the entire world. Without it, she is in danger often of feeling in a very bad mood! (or is that just ME?!)
Telling him he's married and a bastard: no no no. He is a human being. He is here asking advice for how to stop this, because he hasn't chosen to be walking on sunshine in her presence - it is just happening to him. And he never said he would act on it - in fact, I got the sense he wanted to eliminate it. (although of course not, as it is also v addictive) (love is the drug ...).
We don't know what his marriage is like, either. We can't judge. Marriage is a statement of intention, but if the circumstances and people change, sometimes it becomes redundant. (well, that's one interpretation) (oh Lord, I'm going to get it in the neck for saying that, I know!!!)
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanx for the replies. Natasia: good reply, thanx. I like the psychological approach. I have tried to ‘switch off your rose-tinted specs and try and see her as someone normal and not a super-being’. I have set out studiously to find things about her I don’t like; one day she said something using bad grammar (or whatever) the kind of thing that normally makes me look down on someone and guess what? I loved it, I kept saying it over to myself. ‘Can't you just get used to fancying her?’This I have also toyed with and again with mixed results, but I find it does have a claming effect which helps. Man-bloke-guy: Thanx for the reply. I like this answer because it’s a real mans answer, instead of ‘shut up you fool you’re married’ which I find least helpful of all. I concur with your experience. I have been down the ‘ignore her in a polite way’ path which as you say I found worked pretty well but it is difficult to maintain over time when you really just want to talk to her, but I will keep up that strategy. As for the guy hanging around, every guy I talk to seems to have an eye for her and that too is difficult, but I’ll think ‘aloof’.Paradise: I was expecting this approach and as I say its not one that works for me. I have never stepped out of line in 15 years of marriage and don’t imagine I will now but the problem remains – when I see her she brings me joy -‘I’m walkin’on sunshine yeh-eh!’ or pain, ‘ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone’.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2008): ...not easy to work with beautiful women over a period of years and not develop feelings towards them - be they married or otherwise. Their job to turn you down. Get with the programme, ladies - all part of life's rich tapestry! What is a husband anyway - a guy who is allowed to fart at you during tea time and leave the toilet seat up? No wonder affairs happen.
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female
reader, paradise +, writes (30 August 2008):
 My reply is very simple - YOU ARE MARRIED!! You have no business pursuing another woman. Am I the only person to tell it like it is? Or are women the only ones who get scorned and punished for adultery!!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2008): Hi. Man-bloke-guy here! Problem is that this man probably thinks that if he does not make a move soon then someone else will and therefore he will feel like he has missed out and will be resenting for ever more. Life's too short, nothing ventured, nothing gained of course. I think that ultimately a man's ego is boosted by the act of sex whereas a woman's is boosted through acts of romance (flirting, attention and compliments are part of this) without sex needing to be involved. I may be wrong of course! You need to rationalise the problem. You are lucky. You are going to see her every day and therefore over a period of weeks and months and possibly years be able to show her the real you, the charming, relaxed, good humoured, considerate, intelligent and well-mannered gent that you are. Try not to be her 'friend' though. Just keep her right on the edge of friendship so that she can be tipped into affair material if she so desires. I think you should let her come to you. Act aloof (but not rude). Be scarce - not omnipresent (she'll find you more intriguing for that). There's a woman I fancy at work round the other side of the building. There's this guy who is hanging round her all the time. His office is right next to her desk. He sees her very often is able therefore to relax and humour her every day. She clearly likes him - although I'm much better looking of course! Whenever I talk to her I'm basically steeling a prescious minute here or there and therefore maybe coming across as a little intense/needy. As such I'm not giving a good account of myself. In summary I think you need to think of her as a long term prospect and work towards knowing her gradually. Remember, if you do this skillfully enough and fill your life with other interests then eventually - with any luck - she will come to you. Good on you!
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (29 August 2008):
It's really difficult as basically your body has decided that she is the one and only aim at the moment ... and it has a ways of doing things quite independent of your rational wishes!
To thwart your body (your biological drive to reproduce - the strongest instinct we have, and, as far as I'm concerned, the one that directly or indirectly governs pretty much alll we do) ... to thwart this force is difficult and painful, and not always entirely successful. The only way really is to switch off your rose-tinted specs and try and see her as someone normal and not a super-being. However, everything about her is telling you something different - that's the problem. You can't actually switch her off, and switching yourself off is fairly difficult. Can't you just get used to fancying her? And when you are with her, constantly check yourself, hold yourself back, so you don't end up in a flirtation with her!
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