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male
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anonymous
writes: I've been married to my wife for two years, and been together for about six. We are both in our mid twenties, and although we are young I feel that i have married the love of my life still.However I work in a small team and spend everyday with one lady in particular, i thought we had been getting on really well, (as i do with the rest of our team), and was thinking how cool it was to have a friend like her at work that we can talk about most things. Recently all of the team had been going out after work, but because I am married i didn't get to meet up with them so often.I think that it is a shame i don't get to know them and had recently started thinking that i would like to become friends with them all outside of the workplace, especially this lady, not because i fancy her but because I just get on so well with her. However I found out recently (from her) that she has a big crush on me and that she feels that she can't fancy anyone else at the moment. I need some help on how to proceed, of course it is very flattering to know someone feels this way about you, but i feel awful that I cant help her and i really want to be friends with her but i dont think that she can be friends with me as it will be too painful at the moment. Now the questions a) Do I tell my wife?b) How to I proceed with the lady at work?
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female
reader, bonym  +, writes (6 May 2006):
 Sir, the dream doesnt necessarily mean you fancy her even though you dreamt of having sex with her. Listen my friend, the dream could be your minds way of saying look, if I let this go on, then this (i.e the sex with the woman) will happen and you dont want that. Sometimes dreams warn us about that which is potentially dangerous to us. Your mind is working overtime, you have all these thoughts and they are manifesting in a dream, but take it as a warning. You need to tell yourself daily that it is wrong and drill it into your head that the other woman is just ANOTHER woman and that is all she can be. Never I mean NEVER while you are married can you have sex with the woman (not saying that you would) and that my wife is special and important to me. All the best. xXx
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2006): You now are in the position of offending either your wife or your friend - there is no scenario I can imagine where you will offend neither. Therefore, choose the woman you would rather not offend. You can't have it both ways. One woman has to take priority over the other in your life. If you don't take control of this situation soon you will offend both women. You're beginning to sound like Shakespeare's Hamlet.
The crush resulting from your dream will pass - it is a hormonal distraction. Sometimes I'll have an erotic/romantic dream about a woman that doesn't exist in real life, yet the feelings will sometimes linger for a few days. The crush is a red herring, you can't control your dreams, so stop beating yourself with guilt.
Finally, you must tell your wife that someone at work fancies you, or you risk the accusation of an affair when none is occurring. Worse yet, this workmate might sense your guilt and start to use it against you. Get over your fear of confrontation and tell your wife about the workmate.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOK, this isn't a good development. I tried to keep this under wraps, but having spent the day with the lady again, nothing has changed.I have now explained to her that i really want to be friends with her, and she has expressed the same wish. SO all seems good right? Wrong, on saturday night i had a sex dream about this lady and now i think i fancy her. I need even more help, 1)to get over this crush that i have developed.2) to help her get over me3) to stop me feeling guilty about this stupid dreamThanks to everyone that has given advice so far. I haven't been able to tell my wife yet as i work in a small team, and if i said a lady at work had a crush on me, she would only have a joice of two possible candidates to guess from, and i dont want this situation to make my colleague leave her job, my wife and i to argue, or cause any problems generally.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2006): Don't tell your wife. You'll just make her suspicious. The lady at work will get bored with you. Just be gentle and firm that you're happily married and are not interested. Eventually she'll move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2006): hell yeah you tell your wife. if you've got nothing to hide, honesty is the best policy. that, and because if your wife somehow finds out that this woman likes you through anyone else but you, and you've been spending time with her, she'll think you're cheating on her. seems to me like this friendship is a no go, unless she can contain her feelings or make them go away. just place yourself in your wife's shoes...what would you want her to do? i would assume you'd want her to be honest with you and not hang around another man who likes her. you should do the same for her.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2006): Martini has some interesting suggestions to drop indirect hints, but I disagree - honest up front communication is best. It leaves less to remember, because deception, indirection, white lies, whatever you want to call it, are harder to keep track of. Why take the chance of creating the appearance of infidelity (however untrue) when you can avoid complications altogether by telling it like it is.As I wrote earlier, both your wife and your workmate should appreciate honest communication.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2006): Oh yes, I agree with a lot of the answers here as well. You should definitely keep the lines of communication open between yourself and your wife. Mind you, though you want to be friends with her, you can either directly tell her that your you are for your wife only, or you can make indirect actions such as call your wife in the middle of a meeting, or on the way back to work, order a doggybag for you wife as a snack when you get home, etc. To show that girl where your heart is at.
Then again, she can take this as a sign of a challenge. That she is in competition with your wife and you are the trophy. As someone had said earlier here, if this girl turns out to be an immature, vengeful bitch, then everything will be crap for you at work, and possibly even outside of work. Hopefully, you didn't give her your phone number yet...?
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female
reader, bonym +, writes (29 April 2006):
The reason I believe you should tell her is because if you don’t and this woman becomes bitter later on, she may start stirring and you wont want that. I don’t know the lady and I cant say that she will become bitter but what if she does, AngelRon does not know if this is temporary, she may not get bored, it could escalate and it could get ugly if you allow it. If you are honest from the get-go, then you wont have any problems, not that you are doing anything wrong, but just inform your wife of the potential blip and everything will be cool, I believe. xXx
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female
reader, Angel ron +, writes (29 April 2006):
 Try and ignore it of you can. It is only a temporary thing she has with you it won't last eventually she will get bored and move onto somebody. Do not say anything to your wife as it is not that serious you will create aggravstion at home not to mention cause chaos in your marriage. If it is bothering you you can complain to your supervisor or director in chagrge of sexual harrassment if this woman is bothering you.
Do not worry take care
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female
reader, bonym +, writes (29 April 2006):
Dear sir,what a lovely man you are, you seem so considerate of your wife and this lady. God bless you for being such a lovely man. Now listen to me, I would do this:a) tell your wife that there is a lady at work who has expressed an interest in you, but absolutely nothing has happened and will ever happenb) tell the lady at work, you are very flattered, but you are HAPPILY married and you dont want to lose her as a mate, but if you cant be friends, then you will have to sever the friendship ifthings get complicated.If you upfront straight away then you have nothing to lose, I am sure your wife will understand, its inevitable that another woman will find you attractive, its the way nature works. Only, as long as you dont act upon it, which I am sure you wont, whats the biggie? Just be polite to the young lady but inform your wife. Dont necessarilly tell your wife the woman's name, if you think she will go ballistic, but use your discretion. Good luck xXxp.s. let me know how it goes, I really really hope everything works out for you because you seem like a great guy.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2006): It's neccesary to tell your wife,nothing should be hided in front of the one you wife.I think you have to tell that lady directly that you are married.You said you have married the love of you life.So i rekcon there is nothing to confuse about,even you go out having fun with people who works with you or that lady.You've known well they will be just friends.There's a rule in you mind that you know what is proper or not.Otherwise.Don't give yourslef excuses like"It's her who being so active.and I can't just refuse her"or"We are just friends,friends can be really sweet"If thoughts like these occurs,something wrong will happen soonIf that lady isnt okay to have friendship with you,it's her problem.she will have to heal her pains and go on herlife.Don't need to feel sorry,Life is like this.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2006): Tell your wife. Even if she is upset she should ultimately appreciate your honesty. If you had skills in tact I would recommend you put them to full use as you discuss the subject with your wife. For instance, avoid remarks about your workmate that would give your wife the impression (however untrue) that you might just fancy your workmate.Set boundaries on the relationship with your workmate and discuss them with her. Even if she is upset she should ultimately appreciate your honesty (sound familiar?).I find personal relationships at work to be a delicate matter. My work friendships tend not to extend beyond office hours. I am a fiercely private person, like my wife, and we are very protective of our family space. But my philosophy may not be your philosophy. If you want to have friendships with workmates that extend beyond office hours then be prepared to handle "complications" that can arise when you mix work with your personal life.Good luck to you as you navigate through this situation!
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2006): Tell your wife. Your wife will probably have the best advice as to how to deal with this woman at work. Plus, being the love of your life, your wife has a right to know about any threats that come along. To keep this from her would just be unfair. She might be upset when you tell her, but reassure her that you have done nothing and do not fancy this woman at work one bit. In the end, she will be grateful for your honesty.
As far as dealing with the woman at work, politely tell her that you are flattered, but you are married, and that your relationship with her can never go beyond friendship. If she just isn't having that, well then you should no longer continue to have any kind of relationship with this woman, because it could jeaprodize your relationship with your wife. You said she is the love of your life, so I'm assuming you don't want to lose her, so just remember to be careful.
Good luck with all this.
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