A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi - Maybe this is just my insecurities or maybe it is real.We have been FWB for the last months. Long distance one. He used to be the one showing lots of interest in spending time with me and I always had feelings for him. He is the one wanting a casual thing and I decide to go ahead anyway. We still talk almost every day and he is really doing his best to help me with some very important stuff. So he cares, at least as a friend.Lately he never tells me he wants to see me and the last two times I was around we couldn’t meet because he was busy. Excuses were completely understandable though but who knows if they were true …. I asked him yesterday about having dinner on Monday, yes very short notice and he said that he cannot because blah blah but let me see if I can move things around. You should have told me earlier that you were coming, you silly one!Anyway I am getting the impression he does not want to see me. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe just going crazy I do not know. I just want to be sure that if he thinks this is not a good idea he would tell me. I do not want to fool myself trying to make plans if he doesn’t feel the same ! But I am afraid to bring the issue in case he thinks I am just demanding. I am feeling insecure. I accept the rules but if he changes his mind I would like to know.Do I have the right to ask this ? I know he owes me nothing and I do not want him to freak out.How can I bring the issue without appearing as needy ?Thank you !!
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female
reader, OhGetReal  +, writes (16 October 2010):
 If you are a FWB you do not have a relationship of any sort, you really aren't even friends in the true definition of friends because friends don't use friends, he is simply giving you the semblance of friendship...the fact of the matter is that he is using you and you are completely OK with that.
You have NO claim on his time or his intentions or anything else, you agreed to the no strings sex and that is exactly what that means, no strings. I personally would dump a friend who treated me that way and I would never sign up for such an agreement with a man.
It is always a great deal for the man, never a good deal for a woman. We are biologically hard wired in our brain to BOND with a man much like we bond with our own infant when we have sex with him. It is the same neurochemicals released into our bloodstream during sex that we get when we have a child or nurse a baby. It isn't fair but those are the facts mam.
Don't settle, tell him how you feel, tell him what you need, be specific about what you want. Most likely he will either run, or do a fancy two step and lie to you and tell you what you want to hear or keeping it vague so he doesn't have to deliver on his promises to keep the sex going. Any of that fancy two stepping and you have your answer. He doesn't want what you want which is a relationship.
Tell yourself the truth if you can't tell us or him the truth.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (15 October 2010):
Interesting. You picked up on the same thing I did.
"Who knows if the excuses are real or not"
Are you sure he's not married?
Long distance FWB, two meetings cancelled after planning, and then no short notice meeting, not even a dinner. Something's a bit wrong here. I've just got a bad feeling he might well be married or something.
And of nothing else, the fact that you're feeling insecure about a FWB shows that you should end it. You're starting to fall for him, which is the Cardinal Rule of being a FWB that cannot be broken. I'm not sure you should continue this. You're likely to get burnt one way or another.
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