A
male
age
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anonymous
writes:My wife will not have sex with me unless she has several drinks in her. We have been married for over 20 years and this has been the case since the begining. When I was younger, I knew that this was kind of disfunctional and I tried to talk to her about it, but the behavior continued and I just kind of lived with it. Now that I'm older, its really bothering me. I feel hurt and insulted that she wont have sex with me if she's sober. At least in the past, the sex felt genuine but now its like she's just going through the motions, as if she's throwing me a bone every now and then. Whenever I try to talk to her about it, she just gets angry and tells me I'm lucky to be getting it at all. I dont feel very lucky. BTW, we have two children. One is in his early twenties and the other is a teen. I dont think she loves me anymore. Counseling is out of the question, she already told me she wont try it. What can I do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2011): I suspect it's a case of habit and a desire to reduce her inhibitions. She may have body issues or she may have a difficult time being in the moment and feeling sexual. I've always found that alcohol increases my libido by 1000%! I go from being self conscious to happy go lucky and I'm able to enjoy sex so much more with a moderate amount of alcohol thrown into the mix. Unfortunately I'm in a relationship that doesn't allow me to drink at all as my partner has an alcohol issue (so we both abstain) and I've found that I've missed it terribly! Sex feels confronting, sometimes embarrassing and it can be chore-some if I'm not feeling that way inclined. As a woman if I don't feel good about myself physically it's very hard to be intimate. If I'm stressed about anything (from finances to something mundane) it's hard to take my mind off it. I grew up in a religious household and was brought up to think of sex as dirty and shameful. As much as I know this not to be the case, there is an element of that which has stuck with me. Your wife could be dealing with any number of similar issues as many other women deal with and she's simply trying to work around them by using alcohol. Now that she's in the habit of doing this it would be extremely difficult for her to try things sober. Perhaps being in a different place on vacation or staying in a hotel over night may break the routine up and get her feeling a little more inspired. She likely feels inadequate and undesirable, so I wouldn't be pushing her to stop drinking. Rather I'd help her to find different ways where she may be able to enjoy herself and that would be far better than you feeling as though she's doing it out of duty.
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (17 May 2011):
if your wife refuses counseling, she has her own reasons and you have to respect that. You can't force someone into counseling (you can drag them there but it would probably be a waste of your time and money). Maybe some day in the future she'll be willing, but that has to happen on her own time line, not yours.
All you can do is give her information on how you feel and that you would like to work on the relationship. If she's still unwilling, you do have choices. One choice is to end the marriage, it won't be easy, but it is a possibility that could open new doors for both of you.
Another choice is to try and make your peace with this and work on trying to be content with the marriage that you do have. This is not the same as what you've been doing the last 20 years which is just "living with it" while feeling deprived the whole time.
instead, the difference is that from now on, try to find a way to focus on the positives in your relationship and to find more effective ways to deal with the hurt and disappointment and sense of deprivation or insult you feel from her not wanting to have sex with you. Work on changing yourself to better respect her need to not be "pushed" or pressured into doing something that she clearly hates so much that she has to get drunk to do it. Get individual counseling for yourself if necessary, to help you with this.
also keep in mind that improving the relationship begins with having compassion for your partner and their pain and hurt and giving them the space they need. You may feel that she's not doing this for you, but you can't change her and if you don't want to divorce then you don't have many other options for what else you can do.
If she so obviously can't stand having sex and refuses any sort of counseling, then I would strongly suggest that you don't ask her for sex any more, spare her the agony of having to get herself drunk to meet your needs in that area.
In other words, if she has to get drunk in order to have sex with you, I think it's really damaging to her psychologically to keep having her do that so I would urge you to not ask her to do that anymore, and if she's starting to prepare herself by getting drunk again, out of habit, tell her she doesn't have to do that anymore, give her the freedom to not do it anymore and without repercussions from you (i.e. you getting upset).
Yes you do have the right to have your needs met, but so does she. And I would say that your need for the physical relationship, is trumped by her need to not feel the overwhelming anxiety or sense of "violation" or whatever it is that she feels from doing it and thus needs alcohol to escape from. think about it - if she needs to be drunk to do it, that says something about how much mental agony she is in otherwise. It would be unfair to keep asking her to put herself through this. She's already put herself through this for 20 years.
However hurt and wounded emotionally you feel from her not wanting to have a physical relationship with you, there are other ways a couple can express and share love for each other (like holding hands, non-sexual hugging or kissing etc.). But truth is there aren't a lot of ways to compensate a woman for the psychological damage she endures and accumulates/sustains from feeling her body is being "violated" (which is what it is if she is having sex against her will to the point she needs alcohol to escape mentally) and furthermore for it to be a re-occurring event (as is the case in a marriage) not just a one-time thing.
Whatever level of intimacy your wife is comfortable with giving freely (holding hands, cuddling etc), work on learning to be OK with this level of intimacy and don't ask her for more. Don't ask her anymore to get drunk so that you can have sex with her because each time she does it, even though she is choosing to do it for you yet she's probably choosing it from a negative place (to avoid upsetting you) it's probably further damaging her psychologically and further tearing down the relationship between you. Already your relationship is so damaged that she is even refusing counseling. At the very least, you can stop the further degeneration of the relationship.
Instead, be empowered for what you can do for yourself to take care of your own needs (within the bounds of marriage, of course...because remember if you can't do this, you do have the choice to end the marriage.) ....learn to take care of your sense of loss and deprivation, and disappointment, and insult, that you are feeling so that you can be OK with whatever your wife is able to give you freely of her own accord and be comfortable about, without damaging herself psychologically.
So I encourage you to work on yourself regarding taking care of your hurt feelings and sense of loss and deprivation, on your own (get counseling for yourself if necessary) and to do this out of compassion for her, because this is the marriage that you have - she has drawn a line in the sand saying she is unwilling to get counseling at this moment.
but you may find that if you stop asking her to do the thing that she hates, she may in time ease up and feel less on edge and then be more receptive to counseling....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): This a huge red flag waving in the air about deep rooted psychological problems.She's not really having sex with you, she's enduring it, alcohol helps.1000 to 1 she has been sexually abused, raped, possibly even incest, and she can't even begin to face it in counseling.But, if she won't, then your marriage and relationship are dead anyway. Really. It doesn't have to be that way.My wife and I had our issues, sex with alcohol was a marker in our relationship as well as other things, and after over 15 years I finally pressed her to talk, she asked to go to counseling, I refused because I'd been to counseling with her once before and she didn't really talk. I was finally throwing in the towel and figuring I'd have to leave after all the years and effort and I knew my kids would blame me. I didn't want that, I'd done more than they will ever know to hold things together, and I had to give it one more try...a try that lasted over 2 years.Then, I relented and told her I'd go with her if she'd find someone she felt she could talk with. She finally talked, after 7 months of counseling and slow but steady persistence. That was a lot of admissions ago, you name it she had it happen; multiple rapes by different people that she remembers and she probably doesn't even remember all of them, sex abuse as a child, adult child of alcholic parents, neglect, alcohol abuse and other drug abuse even in our marriage (all hidden), fear of the truth of her past being discovered by me or our kids, etc, etc, etc.She started having orgasms, for the first time in her life, after the first "confessions" came out, long before she every told me everything (she can't even begin to remember everything). She started really liking sex, for the first time in her life as well.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to you all for your replies. After reading the replies and re-reading my original post, I think I should have expanded a little bit more. When I've spoken to my wife about counseling, the intention was to help our entire relationship, not just the sex part. I guess the refusal by her to have sex totally sober is just one glaring symptom of our relationship. There are many other problems. I wish things could be different. I dont want to leave. I just wish she would be more willing to accept the fact that we need help. Like one of you said, we only go around once so we may as well be happy. Thanks again.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (16 May 2011):
 Well, and look my tounge is nearly protruding from my cheek so take this with a bunch of grains of salt but I'd learn how to brew my own gin or whiskey and hang on to this one...as Omar Kyam said. "Then to the lip of this earrthen ern I learned the secret of life,drink for once dead you never shall return." Just start the day by proposing a toast. Man, if I only had your problem!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2011): She must have some huge psychological barriers if she's always hated sex so much that she needs to be drunk first. instead of focusing on how hurt and insulted you feel, have you looked at your own behavior and attitudes and asked what have YOU done that's turned her off so completely to you??? Have you tried being less self-centered regarding your hurt ego, and tried to put yourself in her shoes and consider that maybe you are the problem in why she can't stand having sex with you?
Have you been selfish, disrespectful, unkind to her? Do you just not fit her definition of "attractive"? maybe it has nothing to do with you - did she suffer sexual abuse before she met you?
you say you have always tried to talk to her but she refuses. How you "talk" to her is very important. if your talking is blaming or whiny in nature,or if it's self-centered in nature (focused on how bad you feel and it's her fault) then it makes her even more closed off to you because it shows you're being selfish and just caring that you're not getting enough sex or your ego stroked, rather than caring about what's really in her mind.
If she refuses counseling, then your only options are to continue the status quo like you have for the last 20 years, or divorce so you can get your needs met elsewhere.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (16 May 2011):
since you say it's always been like this since the very beginning, then this isn't anything new, your relationship has been dysfunctional from the beginning, for over 20 years...it's just that you have "been OK" with things being this way for so long. But the good news is that you're finally willing to take steps to try and solve the problem.
I doubt that throughout all these years, that the problem was entirely hers. If you're like most men, in the early years when she was already reluctant to have sex with you, probably there were times when you got upset at her, or maybe angry as well...? (if you never did, then you're a saint!)...many women who don't enjoy sex very much to begin with (or maybe they do enjoy it just not with their spouse) , if they start to get yelled at or pressured or guilt-tripped by their partners over their lack of 'performance', this just makes them hate it even more. What started out as a lack of enthusiasm for having sex can, over the years, turn into a pure dread and hatred for the activity if it starts to get associated with relationship conflict and negative reactions from their partner.
Another way to look at it is: the fact that she has gone all these years hating having sex with you (whether hating sex with you personally, or sex in general, it's unclear) and yet she still forces herself to do it via drinking beforehand...says to me that she is actually showing that she cares about you and loves you as a person and husband. She hates having sex for whatever reason and yet she is doing what she can in order to give you what you want. Blaming her is unfair. Accusing her of not loving you anymore, doesn't help and is just a slap in the face to her. she's probably thinking, "I hate having sex yet I do it anyway, for him because I know he wants it...I do whatever it takes (even drink myself into a stupor) to get myself to do it for his sake...and yet he's saying I don't love him?? Is nothing I do ever good enough for him?? what does he want from me??"
if something like this happens on a regular basis throughout a marriage (and problems of this nature dont' jsut go away by themselves without both parties actively working it out), this would have further made her even more and more unwilling.
I think by now, it's such a long lasting huge problem that it's really difficult to overcome. It's by now a cornerstone of this marriage. So just realize that you will have to be very very patient in trying to work on this problem now, after avoiding it for 20 years.
If she wont' even try counseling, it suggests that she's afraid of something. Maybe it's just the stigma of getting counseling. Or maybe she's fearful of being blamed by another person in addition to you. Or maybe she's afraid of being "made" by the counselor to have sex with you, or to face certain deep seated fears she has. Have you asked her about counseling in a confrontational "you need to do something about your problem" way? If so, you should take a different attitude and not make it all about the sex, even though that is what's on your mind but really the sex is just a symptom of a big problem, it's probably not the problem in and of itself.
How about asking her again if she will go for counseling with you, BUT as a relationship/emotional intimacy issue, not as a sex issue. Don't make it out to be "I want you to go to counseling so they can "fix" you so you will have sex with me!".. or "you have a problem because you wont' have sex with me so you need counseling!" ..those kinds of attitudes will just shut her down even more. (not saying that this is what you do, but most guys in your situation would have a tendency to do just that)
instead a more constructive way to approach it would be to see that this is a relationship and emotional issue, and that the relationship is very broken and always has been. And to see what can be done about that INDEPENDENT of the sex issue - even though that is what's on your mind. Maybe the counseling process might reveal an ugly truth about your marriage, that maybe this relationship is not going to work out because it's never been "right" in the first place and you might be better off separating or divorced. If so, it would be better to cut your losses and free yourself and your wife to find more fulfilling relationships while you two are still young and have many years ahead of you... Or maybe the relationship counseling will in fact bring you two closer together. If so, then there's a chance that she may in time come to feel better about having sex with you.
But in general, I think you should see this as a relationship issue, not as a sex issue. And to try to work on finding what the problem in the relationship is, and seeing if that can be fixed and if the sex will follow naturally. Since this has gone on for over 20 years, realize that it may take a long time to uncover the problem because it may be buried under many other layers of problems by now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2011): I had an ex girlfriend who was an alcoholic and I couldnt be with her at all sexually when she was drunk because she was so emo and dark. It was very scary. My man. I feel your wife is in strong denial of a psychological issue be it something with her body or alcoholism. In addition, if she was like this since youve known her, she could have had past relationship issues brought into your situation. My ex was used to clubbing and being drunk and going home with men, that she just got used to alcohol being in her while doing anything sexual so she just kept doing it, without ever thinking what effects it could have on her in the long term. I would respectfully and lovingly tell her you care for her mental health and think counseling is necessary to resolve the issues. If she is unwilling, you will risk a lot of bad emotions in being with her since she possibly has some undiagnosed conditions. Your kids are almost grown it seems. Have you asked them about their input about how she acts and if her behavior is abnormal for a woman her age? Get their input as well and if all of you agree she has some issues that need professional help, perhaps she will say her strong family cares for her well being and that might be enough to persuade her to figure things out. Best on this buddy. Message me any time.
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A
male
reader, the_phoenic  +, writes (16 May 2011):
if you children are grown ups
and you think you still got the chance to find someone better infact i believe there is someone that you might emotionally envolved with recently ,
get out peacefully out of this marriage and have fun in your life..
we only live once dont we?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2011): Wow lots of red flags there. Does she not want men at all or just you? May be there are things she has never told you about from her child hood that she is not ready to deal with. It takes two willing partners for a marriage to work.
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A
female
reader, adamantine  +, writes (16 May 2011):
 If she is not willing to change, then you either have to live with this kind of treatment, or leave her. You don't deserve this. No one does. And also seeing as your kids are older, if you do get a divorce, it shouldn't impact them too heavily.
The alcohol seems to be a problem for her.. so she does need to seek professional help if she is to change at all.
Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2011): Has she ever enjoyed sex? Not all women do. Penetration on its own really doesn't do much for a lot of women. I am 27 and just started having sex 6 months ago, and even though I have a pretty high sex drive and enjoyed all the stuff beforehand, the actual act of penetration was always either painful or at best just didn't do much for me. I kept wanting it hoping it would be different but by the end of the relationship I was happy to skip the penetration and just fool around, and only did it to keep my boyfriend happy. I think if he had put a little more effort into making sure I enjoyed it and figuring out how he could make it more pleasurable for me I would have felt differently.
So I ask, do you work hard at foreplay, make sure she's wet and aroused before putting it in? Do you give her oral? Do you try hard to make it special for her, being affectionate throughout, kissing her during the act, telling her she's beautiful and how much she turns you on? Have you tried setting a romantic mood, maybe rose petals on the bed, romantic music, candles, etc? Have you ever asked her what feels good or asked her to show you her hotspots?
Does she ever want to fool around when she's not drunk, or does she not want to do anything? If it's the latter it could be some sort of discomfort...was she raised religious?
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A
male
reader, spinnaker +, writes (16 May 2011):
 She sounds like she is a little POed that you are digging up some 20 year old dirt. Also consider the wording you used when you brought it up to her. It may have been interpreted as you insisting she has the problem.
Since counseling is out of the question your only option (provided you wish to avoid a costly divorce) is to carry on as you have been for the last 20 years.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2011): Your problems in marriage have nothing to do with a lack of sex, or your wife only wanting to have sex when she not sober...these are symptoms of something much more serious.
You two need to start truly communicating again. Instead of trying to have sex or discussing the act with a partner who is (for whatever reason) angry about being a participant...you need to focus on becoming intimate again and NOT in a sexual way. Communicating, cuddling, going out of your way to show her that you love and cherish her...these things speak volumes to an angry woman who has gone off sex...
Rebuild your relationship. Help her remember what it was like when you two met and fell in love. Put forth some effort, but don't press for sex.
Finally, some women prefer to drink moderately before sex because they feel less inhibited and more adventurous during the act of sexual intercourse. If she's not sloppy drunk, I wouldn't take the drinking before sex personally...
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male
reader, MikeEa1 +, writes (16 May 2011):
 it probably reduces her inhibitions. it might not be about you. maybe you could try sex in the mornings. you've been married a long time with patterns in place. you will need to make big changes and make this one of them. try changing a lot of other things and this one might meet less resistance.
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