A
male
age
41-50,
*aterguy2009
writes:I recently wrote that I caught my wife instant messaging her ex-boyfriend. She left her messenger on and at some point he im'd her while she was not there. I was the next to get at the computer so she missed it. I clicked "show recent messages" and their previous conversation was lengthy (about BS) but included discussing the 2 of them "considering" an affair together. Sounded like they wouldn't because of the consequences (not because they love their spouses....grrr) Also included past "enjoyable" acts. This is a huge issue for me since I've asked her not to talk to him, the past is the past. She said the same to me when we first started dating and I haven't had any conversation with anyone since. So it's okay for her but not me. Kind of hypocritical is you ask me.She knew something was wrong with me and egged me on about it last night. I told her I saw her ex in her friend list and asked why is she still chatting with him after I told her it bothered me. She said she never deletes email addresses. She completely flipped it around on me that I am the bad guy. That I need to be a better husband. (Basically she plans our weekends so we never have free time, but blames me for never planning anything. Says she's exhausted from planning. I admit I need to plan some more "date nights", how do I when our weekends are booked 3 months in advance?) She said she "hasn't chatted with him in forever and 75% of the time ignores his im's and emails. She says he always initiates". BS. It was last week and she started the messaging. So now she lied. If she told me she tries to make him think they could get together again for fun, I wouldn't feel "as bad" but still indicate that is unacceptable. She pulled out the "we have a lot in common" but I told her to join a group (ie. political, religious, whatever).She's treating me like I did something wrong. I did not want to have the conversation because I knew it would cause a fight, I was just going to monitor her actions closer. I have this trump card called a print out of their explicit conversation, do I use it, or what?? She'll use the "snooping" and invading her privacy response. As I said before, she told me the ex asked her to have an affair, but she told me she didn't respond and chuckled about it. I snooped to see if she put the smack down on him. Surprised when I got the opposite....
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 July 2009):
 She is deflecting. Trying to make her actions "your" fault. They aren't. She is lying, because she doesn't know just how much you know and she thinks you trust her enough to believe her. Unfortunately, you know she is lying.
1. She can easily delete him of her email/IM list.
2. If he initiate contact she CAN ignore it.
BUT she chooses to do neither.
She is unhappy about something. It might be something about herself she is unhappy about or your relationship. She is seeking attention and companionship from someone other then you. That means she feels you aren't giving her what she needs. So that might also be why she is blaming you.
So why all the fancy plans? You relationship should be more then just that. I mean a night at home playing drunk strip poker doesn't take much panning but can be oodles of fun. ( just a suggestion, but I don't see that you HAVE to plan your every free minute. Nor do I believe that in order to be happy you need to be "entertained" 24/7.)
Tell her OK, I want this week end ( 2-3 weeks out) so that I can plan something. Then surprise her. Doesn't mean you have to go all out, it just mean you have to put a lot of heart and thought into it.
Another thing. you need to take the bull by the horns. Now. you need to tell her that you read what she wrote to him. You two need to discuss the whole cheating issues before it gets out of hand. Yes she can pull the "snoop" card ( if you don't want people to know you talk smack then either hide your trail or stop talking smack) You had GOOD reason to snoop. Just look at what you came up with.
In general I'm an really against snooping. I did it once and found out stuff I truly wish I didn't know, on the other hand, knowing, made me HAVE to deal with it. Made me realize that it was time to Stay or Go. It broke my heart, it broke my trust, it broke my self confidence, my self esteem, my world. I had to rebuild all that but not alone. I learned a lot from it. Looking back, yes in a way I wish I hadn't looked, but all in all, it turned out to be the push we needed to get to the issues, to work on them.
Good luck,
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