A
male
age
41-50,
*saljr
writes:My wife and I of 16 hard years have split apart for third time. once almost a year ago, about 4-5 years before then and a few probs way back when. She left the other day with the kids. neither her or the kids will speak to me. I know I am more at fault here and really want to make it work as I can;t imagine our four children ages 6, 10, 12, and 14 (youngest is boy and rest ar girls. She is very short fused. I really want to make her happy and do not want to quit trying despite such a long hard past with little emotion. The 16 years have been very financially poor. When money is good, we are good which is seldom. I am confident I can improve finances over time as I have made certain moves n my career (i'm 35) that should start to pay dividends. I just would like to see how we would be when finances are bettter on a more constant basis. I am certain, if money was not an issue, we would of had a better past. I have worked very hard in my career in residential construction and real estate to improve this issue. The economy really put a dent in my plans, but we are still in business and I am optimistic. They won't talk to me and I don't want to give up. How do I handle this. Also, if she returns, How do I handle the feelings of betrayal by her and the kids. I feel like when times get ttough, they wanna high taail out.
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male
reader, asaljr +, writes (3 June 2009):
asaljr is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wanted to thank you all for your time and efforts. While I had a terrible weekend having to spill my guts to you guys and gals, I was able to take your inputs and put them into action. I showed up at her Mothers's with some flowers and to say I was sorry. She wouldn't answer my calls or texts so I just showed up. No one was home But a neighbor saw me leave the flowers on the porch. I left for about an hour or so and return to find they returned from an errand. The neighbor informed her the flowers were from me. I think the flowers soften her up a bit. I requested a minute which she agreed to. that conversation turned into almost 3 hours. I explained to her where I thought things went wrong (based on your insights). In the end, she decided to come back home that same day. We are down sizing our home and liquidating what we can in order to get our income below our debt and free ourselves from the finacial mess we are in. I also expressed to her that I would focus on becoming more positive (less complaining), try to listen better, and put more effort in balancing business and family. I met with a familiy counselor the day before my post and again on today. I think he will be real good for me as he has already helped me see some issues in a better perspective. I did inform him that your answers were key to my winning her back! Things look so much better today than last week. I just want to move on and forget about how I have handled things in the past and focus on the areas discussed above to improve our future. This has been a life/marital turning point for her and I. She has no idea of my posts, of my research, of my reflection, or of your input. I am sure she is in awe of my changed demeanor. I surely could'nt of done it without all of your help to those who replied to my question. Thanks so much.
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (2 June 2009):
 You're welcome. If given another chance with your wife, remember to say, "I'm Sorry" and ask her "Will you forgive me?" There is such power in true forgiveness. The real power will come from you forgiving yourself also. You can't erase the lost time, but you can start over fresh and in the path you need to be in.
Not having can be difficult. I've never lived in abundance, but I never miss a chance to sit by the pond with my children and feed the ducks. No matter what you do, you'll make a positive impact with your kids, as long as you're doing it with them. Much more than if you're able to buy them something, then off to work you go.
I hope everything works out with your family. Take care.
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sarcy24: and how have you been? Shoot me a message sometime.
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A
female
reader, sarcy24  +, writes (1 June 2009):
 You have obviously done something to create you wife and children up and leaving and not wanting to speak to you. I am sure if you think about it you will know what it is. I too think RCN's post is excellent. Money is great and it does give you nice holidays, houses etc but it does not bind you together.
A small example here, when I was married we luckily had a great deal of money. One day on the way back from a luxury villa in Mustique the plane broke down and there was no where to lodge us over apart from this truly awful one star hotel in Barbados. We had lived in a 5 bed villa with staff on holiday and my husband and I had rarely even rubbed up against each other. in this crappy little place we had to share a tiny room with no bathroom and a single bed. we were the nicest and most loving to each other then then we had been for years and I felt closer to him then I ever had done.
It is truly not about money , it is about the giving of yourself, time and effort. Please make the effort to find your wife, keep on calling and texting and tell her how much you love her and how much you want her and the kids back with you. All the very best,
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A
male
reader, rocknroll +, writes (1 June 2009):
I'm leaning towards RCN's reply.
What were the issues of the past? If you have no idea what is going on with your family, it is impossible to rectify it.
Trying to understand all the emotions women go through at one time is also impossible for men to decipher. If she or the kids won't talk, you will have to wing it and make many mistakes, which will not be good for you. Careful it doesn't drive you nuts or drops you into depression yourself.
So do you have any thought as to what it might be? Have you neglect your family for business? There is something to it, that you MUST set aside time, quality time for the family. Each needs your attention. I know it is hard, but you need to prioritize your time that will accomdate family, self and work.
So what do you think is wrong?
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A
male
reader, asaljr +, writes (1 June 2009):
asaljr is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses as they have really shed some light on the issues. I failed to balance work and family. And I also failed to listen to God about finances and not living within my means, even though my intentions were good trying to sett us up for the future, I forgot to live in the present. Thanks so much.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (1 June 2009):
You talk about wanting to make her happy, but then you talk about business and "growing your income." Money cannot create happiness, nor is it generally a major factor in a failing marriage. I had the thought you did at one time. I was married, thought if only we had cash, a new home, enough for my wife to go shopping when she desired to, and I worked hard to increase our income. In the end, when she really wanted was me. I was taking away from quality time, by assuming my hard work was beneficial for our marital growth.
You may want to need to find proper balance. To your kids, construction is not quality time with them, and doesn't replace intimacy with your wife. It's okay to work toward your dreams, but in doing so don't forget your family needs equal attention which no matter how hard you work, won't compensate for.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2009): Wow... Your wife seems really materialistic. are you guys religious at all? Im not tryin to push somethin like that on you or anybody else but i have seen God work through me i used to be a different person and i used to hate my life and take it out on the ones closest to me. i used to worship materialistic things and i used to think money was everything i was greedy, selfish, and disregarded everythin but my own interest. But God has really done a work through me I realize now that those things; they make no difference.... is your family healthy and still alive? then you guys have time to change. dont teach your kids the same moraless values you and your wife have. teach them something they can fall back on when everything else in their life has failed.... God. It just seems you need an eye opener. With that said, If you want to get them back send your wife some flowers wherever she is... Tell her your sorry for whatever it is that you did... even if you werent wrong and your not sorry thats what she wants to hear. Tell her you cant live without her you miss her and you will do whatever you can to make her happy. I dont know what to tell ya about the financial issues because they seem silly. the whole world is going through a repression... And hey heres a thought. Maybe you guys should put your kids first,think how hard this must be for them taking them in and out of a home fighting infront of them EVERYTHING you are doing right now is effecting them. It is leaving physical and emotional scars on them and they will probably have to deal with it when they are older and emotionally unstable. Talk to your wife tell her your sorry and you guys should sit down and get your priorities straight.
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