A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is going away for a month with his family next week. It is an annual trip. I went through one of these trips already where he was gone a month last May. He contacted me a lot while he was away and we really missed each other. We were so happy to be with each other when he came back. We have been together for 2 years.But for some reason things are suddenly strange between us before he is leaving. He is expressing doubts. He told me he is concerned I will sleep with another guy when he is gone. He said he doesn't think I would actively look for the opportunity but if the opportunity presented itself, he thinks I would do it.I do not understand all the sudden insecurity.He is now talking about other doubts. One minute he is fine and things are good and I am special and he wants me and then the next minute he thinks we should cool things down. I am not sure where this is all coming from? HIs feelings seem to be all over the place lately.It seems he is trying to distance himself from me in some ways. But hang on in others.What do you think is going on?I have tried talking to him but he is putting up walls.I don't want him to leave this way.Is he afraid he will lose me and is trying to protect himself?I am really upset. Could anyone offer advice on what to do? :( Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2015): Hitching your heart to a married-man will screw your head up. This story is as old as writing.
He's laying it on thick, professing all these mixed feelings to supply you with plenty of romantic-drama. In all reality he knows, and you know, that most of your feelings lie somewhere below your navel. You are far too mature of a woman to pretend to be so gullible; but you do have a fertile imagination.
You lap-up everything he says. This fantasy-romance is purely sexual. There is no love or emotion involved. Nobody can develop such strong feelings based on nothing much more than text messages and random flirtations. I find it hard to believe he has so much concern about you sleeping with someone else; if he hasn't slept with you already himself.
You don't have to admit it.
I think you don't want to be judged and you're just not admitting that you have had sex with him. His feelings are all over the place? Yeah! Because he has a wife, and she is catching on that he's probably having an affair.
He's trying to get to the "climax" of this soap-opera episode; before wifey catches on to him. He's the perfect "player." You know it, and you love every minute of it. The way he teases you, going from hot to cold.
His wife is going to find your messages, track you down, and it isn't going to be pretty. Until a man gives up his wife, you're just a play-thing and a sitting duck. You seem to enjoy this romance-novel fantasy, and you're truly setting yourself up to used and discarded. If you work together, it will not be hard for his wife to figure out who you are! He already knows you're up for cheating. You like playing cat and mouse first. Milking it all for the drama.
You may as well sleep with him, you've exchanging enough lovey-dovey messages to let him know you will anyway.
The chemistry and all that mess you talk about is just the intrigue and excitement of trying to steal another woman's husband. Sneaking around behind her back, and mocking her ignorance to it. For you it's the thrill and the enticement of the "forbidden fruit." It's nothing new, nor profound; and it isn't real.
It's just a horny guy who wants to boink a co-worker; who obviously has the hots for him. Neither of you have respect for his wife, or marriage.
Oh, the karma building-up behind this treachery!!!
If he's cheating on his wife with you; he's going to be messing around with whomever he can find while he's away as well. There will be nobody around to stop him. He's sweet-talking you and seducing you with a bunch of jive about being worried you'll sleep with other men. Seriously?!! That's hilarious! Do it, it makes for a better twist to all this.
Well, the ending of your novel is predictable. It's the same old-story with different characters, or "players."
Cheating husband, cheating female co-worker, finally discovered by unsuspecting wife; ending in a bitter divorce. Scorned ex-wife cleans him out financially. Mistress gets nothing out of it all; but finds herself a comfortable couch in a therapist's office. He finds himself another woman. You end-up lonely, and on prescriptions for several antidepressants. The end.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (8 February 2015):
 So your BF is married with family? And he is WORRIED about YOU cheating..? Seriously? Talk about pot calling kettle black!
There IS nothing you can do to lessen his "worries". My guess is, he is doing this because it would be easier for him to NOT have to DEAL with you while going on a happy family vacation. So he is pushing you away so that HE can get "space".
The guy is EMOTIONALLY unavailable and WILL always BE that way, because... well he is mostly invested in his marriage or the sham of a marriage he is in.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 February 2015):
 Is this the married guy? You've written about him before.
Generally we've seen that a cheater goes on the offensive by accusing the "faithful" partner of cheating or planning to cheat.
Lose this older married man who will never leave his wife. You are looking at years of misery ... and you've already had that for 2 years.
There was a reply on another question that you should read, especially as you wrote it! "My advice is stop flirting. Who cares what he thinks. You do not owe him an explanation. Focus on available men who you are attracted to. Trust me, they are out there once you allow yourself to clear your mind of this one. You can do it. IT IS A CHOICE. Well within your power." -- http://www.dearcupid.org/question/what-to-do-when-there-are-mutual-feelings.html
If you had a happy and trusting relationship where you lived together and everyone knew you were a bonded (if not married) pair, then you wouldn't find yourself asking the same question over and over again.
You have set yourself up for major disappointment and unhappiness--that's on you not him.
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A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow  +, writes (8 February 2015):
 I don't know if this is the case here, but people who get doubts like this out of nowhere often develop them because they've done/almost done the things they are worried about their partner doing :/
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