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age
30-35,
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writes: Why, WHY is my boyfriend still dating me?I love him and have forgiven all the crap he's put(ting) me through... and I'm still with him because I love him and because if he's still with me then I have the hope that he'll eventually change.Ok, he's a very jealous guy. He warned me from the beginning although he wasn't very jealus back then. Certainly not like nowadays! Well, the thing is I was afraid to talk about my past. Even he himslef had told me not to talk about it! But one day he asked me about some guy he knows, and turns out I had been with him in the past (not romantically just physically... but no intercourse). I lied but then came clean and he became awfully upset. Then he asked about a lot more and I lied a couple more times because he demonstrated more than once that he couldn't handle the truth. It did more wrong than good, talking about my past.Well, even though I remained a virgin, he now thinks I'm a slut. He seems to believe that I've been with every guy I've ever met. Yesterday I went out to grab a bite with my sis and a friend of hers. Later I told him about the whole thing, and he went ballistic because he thinks I was with my sister's friend in the past. I wasn't! I never even liked him! But he doesn't believe me, he says he can't trust me and that until I tell the truth, he'll think that I was indeed with him. Funny thing is, I told the truth, I was never with that guy.I can't go out without him making comments unless I go out only with girls and not to a bar. He has lied to and done things behind my back, out of spite. I told him, then how could I trust him? But he says it's different that he was never easy like me.Then, on the other hand when things are fine he tells me I'm the girl of his dreams, he's even taken me to see furniture for our future home, he took me to have a look at some houses and also, to look at engagement rings! He always tells me how much he loves me and is praising me all the time, it's like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hide! I really don't get it... he's even admitted to being wrong and overreacting and asking me to be patient until he changes. Then when he gets upset again, even if I do nothing to upset him intentionally I'm always to blame! When he gets upset he expects me to say nothing and leave him alone until he calms down. This can take over a day sometimes.Why is he still with me? Can he change? I swear I can't leave him, I'm so deeply in love with him and I can't picture myself without him! Help!
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reader, Replacement  +, writes (18 July 2008):
 He has very serious insecurity problems, probably stemming from a feeling of not being good enough. People who are secure in their own self-worth and value do not worry excessively about their partner's past, because they recognize that the past is not competition from them, it is simply over. They can accept that what's done is done, and believe that if "you" are with them, then you must really like them. He calls you a slut to make himself feel better, it's not based on your actual actions. Sounds to me like he is in a lot of internal pain, it takes pain to lash out the way that he does. He needs to work on himself, and you need to realize that his problems with your past have nothing to do with you. That said, I'm a proponent of honesty. Don't lie about your past again, be honest and upfront and remain calm about the storm he may throw at you. The calmer you are, the better, don't engage him in his petty worrying. As long as he doesn't get violent or verbally abusive, stand your ground and if he tries to provoke you, don't engage. Tell him you are going to go for a short walk until he cools his head. The more you engage him, the more the fights will escalate.And don't let him rule your social life. Be calm and assertive (like you are with a dog, for instance). Tell him (DON'T ask) that you're going out, tell him where and tell him who with. Don't lie about any of it. It's pointless at this point because he won't believe you anyway.This is the best way to deal with it, because this way he'll learn that either he gets used to the fact that you had a sexual past and learns to trust that you're not sleeping with every guy you know, OR he can leave. But try not to let him affect you too much. In the meantime, whenever things are peachy and good, try to let him know that you love him and that he means the world to you. Express yourself so that he feels secure in the relationship.The rest is up to him...
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