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Why is he still checking dating sites?

Tagged as: Dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 March 2010) 7 Answers - (Newest, 11 April 2010)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I've been seeing this guy for a month. He is an acquaintance of my best friend, and she set us up. I thought things were going great. He's asked me to hang out almost every single day, and I see him usually 4 or 5 times a week. I've met many of his friends on multiple occasions, and he's met many of mine on multiple occasions. I enjoy spending time with him and we have great chemistry. He matches what I've been looking for and based on what he's said to myself and to my friend I seem to match what he's looking for as well. However, after I had a conversation with him about internet dating and realized that I had previously been on a couple of dating sites he had met previous girlfriends on I searched the sites and found that he still has profiles on both, and that he had logged into both within the last day. I don't have profiles on these sites, but I'd deleted them before I met him. One of the sites provides an option to list whether you are single or seeing someone and he has single listed. We haven't had a conversation about whether or not we are exclusive, though he told my friend he's not looking to see anyone else. Honestly he wouldn't even have had time to see anyone else because he's been with me nearly every day and I know where and who he has been with the other days because I've spoken with him everyday. He's referred to us as "dating" to his friends in front of me. I'm confused about why he's still logging into these sites, and more importantly, am wondering what, if anything, I should do?

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A female reader, DCP827 United States +, writes (11 April 2010):

I too am currently experiencing this and just saw on the site he told me he was on that he just logged in today and I told him I saw that and he said he probably is just gonna delete it soon. He asked if I was looking for another squeeze and I said no that I got a message and was browsing and saw he was still active. I know it sounds like a double entendre but it's been 3 weeks and he told me he did want to be exclusive with me when I was hesitant in having sex with him but we were intimate. So, I've let him know where I stand and what I want and he's only 5 months legally separated and was with the same woman for the last 20 years so I don't know if I'm just wasting my time or what! I'd like to know that we've established a bf/gf relationship and if that's not what he wants then I don't want to waste my time anymore. He's been spending a lot of his freetime with me proving that I'm the only one he's seeing and that he isn't going back to his ex as we've discussed. I've met his friends, kids and co-workers and we know a lot of the same ppl. So, I'm assured that I'm the only one for now but he just wants to take it day by day and to me, that's not enough. I need to know where I stand and what he wants. He doesn't really seem to know but yet he doesn't want to date anyone else he tells me. I'm just so confused!!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2010):

I'm having the same problem here. I've been seeing a guy for the past 3 months. I've met his entire family and really enjoy being with him. However, he's still looking around the dating sites daily. He's the most affectionate man I've ever met but it seems that's where it ends. I mentioned that it bothers me with him on these sites and he seemed to understand but he hasn't stopped. I'm with him every weekend and he calls me every night. I sure would like some insight on this situation because I just don't know what to do at this point.

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A female reader, boo22 United Kingdom +, writes (8 March 2010):

boo22 agony auntHi hun, I think you are spending far to much time with him far too soon. Of course you will be confused cos you're together so much yet you don't know where you stand.

You may of thought you were both looking for the same thing, but you don't know that for sure.

Like R&B2 said, sounds like you're projecting a lot onto this guy and it might be wise to back off a little and let him do the running. It's early days so be patient.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2010):

Thanks to those who offered their insight. I just wanted to clarify based on the first response that I didn't meet this guy online and my having deleted my online profiles had nothing to do with meeting this guy. I deleted them months before I met him because I decided internet dating wasn't really my thing. I also haven't been calling him before he calls me, or asking him to hang out before he's asked me. I have asked him to hang out once, every other time he has initiated wanted to hang out. Admittedly, seeing him all the time is probably not the best idea, and that is probably something I will ease up on in the future.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2010):

You have been seeing each other for one month? Four long weeks? And you are already deleting any dating accounts you have and wondering what the hell is wrong with this guy that he is still on them?

Why are you hanging out every single day since you met? Do you really think meeting each other's friends is a sign of commitment, of exclusivity?

Girl, you are delusional. If you want this relationship to go anywhere the first and foremost way to ruin it is by spending all your free time together from the get go and having the where is this going conversation initiated by you and by acting like a girlfriend before you have been expecting him to call you or see you every night, by calling him instead of waiting for him to call you.

You are sounding a lot pushy here and a bit too desperate.

You are dating this guy, you barely know him. Why are you putting all your emotional energy into this one guy who hasn't asked you to be his girlfriend? Why are you not putting all your focus on you and whether or not you think this guy is right for You? Why aren't you continuing to date other guys to take the pressure off of yourself and him and so that you don't sit by the phone and wonder what and why he is doing what he is doing?

Personally, it is none of your business at this stage of the game who he is seeing or dating. If you have already had sex with him, that does not a relationship make.

Good luck.

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A male reader, Kenj United Kingdom +, writes (8 March 2010):

Kenj agony auntHes keeping his options open, it's common and it should end when he finds a woman who he truly loves.

That someone could be you, but after 1 month maybe a bit soon for him to decide, he should go exclusive with you but if hes still doing it after 3 months then find someone else who appreciates you.

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A female reader, gatorgirl0307 United States +, writes (8 March 2010):

gatorgirl0307 agony auntAs one who was on a dating site, I think it's important to know if you are both looking for the same things. Some people are on those sites, looking for dates (which is completely different from a relationship). If you are both seeking a relationship, then it's impotant to know whether or not you both fulfill what the other is looking for. And both should be agreeable with putting their profile on standby, hold, or delete. It has to be discussed though. I remember my guy sent my an email and said he noticed that I still had an active profile. He said that when he was online, he was looking for one girl to have a thousand dates with, rather than one thousand girls to have one date with. I removed my profile that night, but had not even thought about it before he said something.

The internet is a great way to meet people, it allows us to be completely honest, and list what the minimum requirments for a relationship are, and we create this list based on our prior experiences. It's best to get all of that out in the open pretty quickly into the dating process.

Ask him what his intentions are with maintaining his profile online. If he still wants to "shop around" then you will have to decide if that is acceptable to you.

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