A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my current boyfriend for a year, and although we share interests and got along well at the start, I can’t stand the fact that he frequently doesn’t do what he has said or promised he would. Everyone has problems from time to time that get in the way of plans or agreements, but in his case it seems excessive and goes on all the time. I asked him to pay back money he owed me (borrowed from me 3 months ago) 1 week before I needed it. He said he would definitely 100% do so – he didn’t. He claimed that he was not able to access online banking to do it, but I know for sure he was in a mall with a bank and cash machines available because he took his kids (from previous marriage) to the movies and was buying them clothes and sports kits, so that also meant he had money available to spend. So I couldn’t pay an important bill which caused me problems.We arrange to meet up at the weekend and then he will tell me on Thursday he can’t make it. He says he will fix the lamp which he broke, he hasn’t. He says he will sort out the walls and bathroom fittings his kids messed up in my house, he hasn’t. He says we must move in together, get engaged, go on a trip – nothing. I could go on and on. He keeps on saying he’ll do things or we should do something together and when I take him at his word and expect to see them done, nothing happens. Why does he bother saying he’s going to do something and then doesn’t? Why give me false hope and create expectation, why not rather say no or say nothing at all in the first place? At least I’d know where I stand.
View related questions:
engaged, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 April 2011):
 Cindy got it right. He is feeding you these lines because he knows things don't look good as they are, and he knows if you took him at face value he might not be worth this relationship. Instead of owning up to his responsibilities, he hides away and avoids doing things. Then to cover up for the things he never did, he continually has to make up new excuses, reasons, promises, of better things, to make it "ok" that he didn't do all the smaller things he should have.
For example he says he should fix a lamp, a small thing. He doesn't do that, but promises to move in together to cover up for not fixing the lamp. He doesn't owe you back money, a medium scale/full scale problem, doesn't pay it back, so instead he comes with promises of engagement. To cover up for it.
It's so you will turn a blind eye to it. He fills your head with expectations, which makes you temporary happy and off his back for now. Then next time you come around to saying "hey, this isn't right!" he will fill you up with expectations again to get you off his back, once more.
By now you know where you stand when it comes to his empty words. You know they don't mean anything. Therefor you shouldn't put any emphasis on his words. You should look to his actions alone, and not get exited or filled with expectations by his words.
Some people are able to live with this, some aren't. I can't stand it when people do that, tell me they will do something then they don't. Even if they didn't owe me anything, it's like LYING in my book. Because they paint a picture of something they know will never happen. They lie to me through empty words, and they lie to themselves. In the end it gets old, very old, and used up. It ruins trust and reliability, and undermines a relationship. You yourself must be the judge of how much of this you can tolerate. My father did this to us, his children, and even when we were children we learned that his words were meaningless, empty, and it hurt. Because we had to sit there and smile and pretend to be happy when we knew everything he said was crap and bullshit. I wouldn't recommend that for a relationship. I was forced to have to take it from my dad, but my relationship with him, as well as my siblings relationship with him, is distant if not cut off completely. What sort of relationship can you have with a person who never means what they say, and only fills your head with dreams that you know will never come true? It is so fake.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 April 2011):
 Because he knows he has to keep you hooked on expectations- expectations of change.
As of now, you put up with a whole lot of crap, because he makes you believe change is always around the corner.
If you'd gave up any hope of change, you 'd probably see what he is about : irresponsibility, selfishness and disrespect. He knows this is not a pretty sight , to the point that it might make you give him the boot.
Therefore,it's more functional appeasing you with bullshit- until he can.
...............................
|
