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female
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anonymous
writes:I am wondering if anybody can explain the reasons behind my husbands behaviour. We are a second marriage of nearly 4 years and in our late 60’s . We each have our own family but my husband spends a lot of time ‘trashing’ his family but running around in circles trying to please everybody else we know. He spends a lot of time dwelling on the past and telling other people, in great detail, how much he has been dealt a bad blow in life….which is not true.This seems to have started after the death of his father in 1975 when his mother became very jealous and possessive of him, seeing off various girlfriends and telling lies to them in order to keep them away. He left home and has since had a rocky relationship with his mother. He has not spoken to her for 4 years since learning she phoned his best friend and ‘verbally tore him apart’. She’s now 94.In addition he no longer speaks to his oldest son and trashes him to anybody who cares to listen. The relationship with his middle son was unstable until I managed to intervene and smooth the path. His relationship with his youngest son is not very good but he is still only 18. He and his late wife had him when they were quite old.To everybody else my husband is Mr Charming, always ready to please, almost to a point of being subservient to them. There are times when he will push me to one side in order to please one of his friends and he offers to help them on anything they are doing like building a shed, running an errand etc etc. It is driving me mad and his behaviour is wearing the whole family down.Does anybody know what the psychology is of this type of behaviour. He once told me that he hates everybody until he gets to know them. I find it quite baffling.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2021): Thank you to everybody for your very interesting answers. I often wish my husband could just 'step outside of himself' and look at how he appears to others. I have told him countless times to not trash his own family and I dread it when we go out and friends politely enquire '..and how are the family ?' and are then subjected to a 30 minute ear bashing of all the reasons why he falls out with them all. I don't think he'll ever change and I don't think he realises how tiring I find it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2021): Your post resonates with me as you sort of described my partner, who has aspergers and is 67 years of age. He gets wound up by time not going his way (if someone arranges to come over at seven pm he gets all worked up and in a state, shouting and raving and getting all tetchy if they are just ten minutes later), but this is because he is a control freak. He always wants to decide what is done, when and by who etc. He always knows best. He is also very subservient to others, eager to please them running around doing errands and favours for them, often at his own expense, even if they have ten times as much money as he has. You have to accept him as he is though because nothing will change the way their brains are wired. Therapy is very expensive, takes ages and does not achieve much with a grown adult. It could do a lot more harm than good to their bank balance, their time and how they would be better using it elsewhere, and your relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2021): Thank you Honeypie for your answer. I think you’ve hit the nail on the head there and I have found your words very helpful.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2021): My mother was very similar to this and my ex partner used to also be very similar. In both of their cases what I realised was going on was actually near-diversity. Both had ADHD and I strongly suspect there was an overlap into Autism. The reason this becomes relevant is that it can make it almost impossible for them to cope with REAL intimacy - I mean the deeper, more complex and often troubled kind. At the crux of the matter is empathy; you can argue that they do feel empathy, but they certainly don't express it like near-typical people do; in fact, my mother was very abusive and toxic and my ex-partner also. In both cases, they also came across to me at least as highly narcissistic and that was why they wanted to seem to be lovely to others outside of family; they seemed to absolutely thrive on being the centre of attention and would give help to others and neglect those closer to them and even abuse those closer to them. People around them would always assume they were wonderful, warm, caring and loving people towards their family and would never ever have believed me if I'd tried to say otherwise. They can also be extremely controlling. I have since thought a lot about the narcissism element and although they certainly seem narcissistic in craving attention from others, I can also begin to see that this might be because they simply cannot - they just can't - handle the deeper intimacy but crave it; it's a bit like they want quantity rather than quality - if they get more and more attention through seeming kind and lovely to others outside of the family, then they somehow may think or feel this will compensate for a deep, inner lack and a fear of not belonging.
I'd say your husbands mother may well be near-diverse and she shows very similar traits of control. I don't doubt for a second that your husband is right to think she lied to keep people away. However, it is well worth re-exmining this; near-typical people honestly don't think 'straight'; they can seem to have the most skewed interpretations of events sometimes because they see and read the world so differently. What presents as 'lies' is, to all intents and purposes 'untruths' because it simply won't be the truth of the matter. However, if a person simply is unable to read the world 'straight' in the first place, AND has control issues because they fear, deeply, not fitting in and abandonment etc because they are neuro-diverse, then that's a lethal combination. It's certainly one that I recognise - I'd find the things my mother and my ex-partner would say were mind-blowing and so painful - I'm not saying it's excusable, not at all, I'm just trying to say there may be a reason for the behaviour.
Whether your husband is near-diverse or not I wouldn't know - if a parent is near-diverse and its never treated, it presents the same as abuse at times and, to all intents and pur[poses your husband was abused by his mother. So he will have HUGE difficulty trusting and being close to family. On the other hand, if he is near-diverse, he simply won't be able to 'do' the loving, warm, family things you'd like. Him running down his own family could be a desperate attempt to try to process what has happened - he is desperately trying to work through his emotions about it all and really needs support from a counsellor - ifs Mum was numero-diverse then she won't ever have taught him how, as a child, to process his feelings and that kind of neglect and unlearned trait can last over a lifetime - believe me, it has taken me decades to figure out a lot about my Mum and how it's affected me, and to try to function as best as I can with almost no motherly input whatsoever. I'd suggest get him a screening. A fantastic company called Genius Within do screenings but they aren't exactly cheap - but definitely worth it for the clarity it can bring and they can follow it up with advice about how best to support him. They will also rule out if he is not near-diverse, and may need counselling more for emotional reasons.
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reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (15 August 2021):
 That sounds absolutely frustrating.
If you look at the people who raised him they probably also shaped him quite a bit. He might not even be aware of how TOXIC he is towards his own kids, just like his mother was with him. (in a different way, yet still toxic).
I also think he KNOWS he isn't as GOOD of a person as he would like to be. Hence the being " OH so helpful to others" it's all about image. YOU know what he is like, his sons know what he is like, most friends and acquaintances do no. So by being "OH so helpful" he can
"create" the person that he wants others to think he is.
And he might not even be aware that HE is the reason his relationships with his sons are in the shitter. He doesn't take ANY responsibility.
He can't fix what he broke (how his family sees him) but he can (to an extend) be in charge of how OTHERS see him. He holds on to grudges. For decades it seems.
I don't think it's likely he will change, ever. THIS is who he is. Learning to "work" around it is one way, deciding that this is too much for you, is another.
I don't think this is something YOU can fix.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2021): He told you the answer! He hates people until they prove themselves to be worth helping and liking, he believes - rightly or wrongly - that his family are not worth helping or loving, so he puts all of his effort, time and feelings into other people to fill the gap and belong with someone somehow. He pushes you to one side to please others because they seem to appreciate it, or pretend to, they may just be using him as a convenience but he is naive enough not to see it or turn a blind eye to it, he is trying to buy their friendship, he does not have to buy you he already has you. You are there, guaranteed, they may walk away and not come back. He is also doing what a therapist calls externalising. Where he reaches out to help others because he wished that people had done that more for him. He is not intelligent, he is not self aware, but he is also not a bad nasty person, I feel sorry for him.
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reader, Tinacandida +, writes (14 August 2021):
 Hes sounds like a people pleaser. Hiding behind a mask because he is trying to hide the person, himself, the side he doesnt like. It sounds like he has made a mess of his former life and is trying to eradicate it. You probably met him at a time when he wasnt really ready to commit to you fully and now you are there plonked in his past and his future. He needs to be able to get all hus feelings out and then he may e able to find his true self and get on with a normal life. That seems a masdive task. Are you up for it, is it worth it?
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