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female
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anonymous
writes: I have been seeing my boyfriend for 4 months. Previous to this he was seeing his ex for 5 years, she was married. They split up about 2 months before we met. My concern is that they are still really good friends, they talk on the phone regularly and go out for drinks occasionally.She is now going through a divorce and although my boyfriend does tell me when they are meeting, he insists that he will see her even though I don't like it. He says that she was there for him when he needed her and now she is going through a bad time, he wants to be there as a friend for her.I know he must still have feelings for her even if he doesn't act upon them, he has told me he was gutted when they finished but things hadn't been great for a while.Am I being unreasonable asking him not to meet her?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2005): Oh Dear, where is your self respect. This guy and woman obviously split up because she was still married then he strted seeing you. Since then she has decided to leave her husband, obviously because she has great feelings for your BF. Why else would they still be in touch with each other. He is clearly biding his time and waiting until the split is final even if he is doing it subconciously.
I woul be very careful about being involved with him. After 5 years together there is still a lot of emotional bond and clearly they still have a special relationship even if it isnt physcal at the moment.
My advice would be to ask him honestly how he feels about her and if there is any love still there back off and get out, you will get hurt in the end and she will always cast a shadow over your relationship.
It seems to me this guy was on the rebound when he met you.Im sure he really likes you but Im equally sure he still loves this woman. Otherwise for the sake of your relationship he would cut her out.
Sorry I havent anything more positive.Good luck
A
female
reader, Lala +, writes (25 August 2005):
Aloha Friend:
I have been in an extremely similar situation before where a guy I was seeing for a few months was newly broken up from his ex of 6 years...
A lot of the things that you speak of (him wanting to be there for her) are actually very typical in the early phase of the breakup, after all, he and his ex have a long history, so they will still be somewhat linked emotionally, esp. being that the split seems recent.
What is NOT normal is that this guy is refusing to even come to a happy medium with you regarding your concerned feelings about their friendship.
I know I came to a point (it was actually a few months of dating) where I told mine the same thing flat out, that I was uncomfortable with their "close" friendship. I also gave him the option of space being that our relationship was new at the time and told him I would step out of his life, since it was clear he needed closure from his past relationship.
Once I did that, he almost instantly cut off their friendship because he realized that she was part of his PAST and that there was a good reason (among many) why she was his EX!!
He and I been married for a year now, so please know that it CAN work out in the end...
Just don't tolerate more than you should. Embrace your self worth, set your limits and stand firm to them. The right outcome will come forth eventually.
Good luck and I hope my posting could offer some comfort.
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reader, pops +, writes (25 August 2005):
NO. you have been a convenient doormat for him to wipe his feet on for the past 6 months. He is obviously waiting for his ex's divorce to go through so that he can try to reestablish a relationship with her. Throw him out! Stop being used by him. Find someone who will respect you, and appreciate your love.
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A
female
reader, Anastasia  +, writes (24 August 2005):
 NO you are not being unreasonable and he is not showing consideration for your feelings at all in this.. He is with you now....not her. He needs to realise that. If their relationship was so close before I think you need to start making decisions now..talk to him and tell him how you feel one more time. Give him an opportunity to fix things...if he does not...tell him he is being a pig and make yourself happy.
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