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Why does he hide things from me?

Tagged as: Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 February 2008) 5 Answers - (Newest, 13 February 2008)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Hi my problem is my husband. He views porn sometimes (behind my back) i find out, usually by hotel receipts etc. I have said to him that i'm not bothered about him viewing porn (i would rather he was in a hotel room doing that, than out doing something else) but he still chooses to hide it. I admit at one time i did have a problem with it but over the last couple of years it has not bothered me. He knows i am ok with it, as i do laugh it off. But i'm fed up with him sneaking around behind my back, he has been deceitful over the years with other things and i'm sick of it. He even receives rude e-mails from work colleagues, (he does not know i have seen them) but when the subject of e-mails came up a couple of weeks ago he said he has a couple and would show me, but he doesn't. He will e-mail jokes to our home computer just not of women with their bits on show. Why does he do this? I have seen the pics and whilst they are quite rude it is not an issue. To make it worse he is in Prague now with a couple of friends and the idea of him going into one of those sleazy clubs is in my mind. Porn i don't mind, but if he went into one those places i would be mad. I have never tried to control him, he is watching footie over there tommorow night and back Friday. Why does he have to be sneaky?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2008):

Hi i am the original poster of this question. Just to clarify that the hotel receipts which show porn are when he is away on business, he does not book a hotel especially for this. He is usually out of the country.

If i am honest i'm bothered about him going into a sleazy club, but i wish he would be honest about everything. If he were to be honest it would make all the difference, instead i just feel uneasy when like now he is away. I hate feeling like this, when he is away on business i'm not like this. It's because this is a lads trip away, admittedly they have gone for the footie match tommorow night but even so.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2008):

Looking at porn is usual for men, and it was only when I found out that my husband was looking at it on the internet and I spoke to other male friends that I realised how usual it was. I think that looking at porn is not necessarily a bad thing, and may not indicate anything more sinister, but you should definitely talk to him about it if it is making you feel uncomfortable. He may be a little ashamed of what he is doing, and may feel that he can't talk to you openly about it. My husband told me that he felt upset when I had laughed about it, and he and I both felt much better when we talked about it together. I am much happier that he is being open looking at porn, even if I don't share his enthusiasm!

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A female reader, maria14r United States +, writes (13 February 2008):

well i think that he is being sneaky because even though he knows you know, he dont want to be showing you or talking about it. my mom knows i do somthing that i cant say but she dont say anything because we both rather keep it to our selves and i still sneak around. he's probably embarrassed to tell you or talk to you about it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2008):

Honey, your husband has a problem. If he feels the need to hide this from you even though you have stated that you're okay with it, then there is something more troublesome going on. And the fact that he needs to do it in a hotel is bothersome too. With internet access and video rental so widely available, it is extremely odd that he would go to the expense of renting a hotel just to view porn. I'm not saying he is having an affair, but there is definitely something deeper going on. Perhaps he engages in odd or deviant masturbatory practicies while viewing this porn that he doesn't want you to know see? That would be my guess. And its a big problem that he doesn't want you to know. This takes intimacy away from your marriage, and the things he is doing could be dangerous as well. It seems to me that he may be reluctant to talk about this considering he still hides it from you when you've been so accomodating, so you're probably going to have to throw down the guantlet, so to speak. Calmly, but FIRMLY tell him that you want to know what's going on. Don't let him squirm or excuse his way out of it. And let him know that this is going to be a huge problem for him if he doesn't start being up front with you about what he's doing.

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (13 February 2008):

eyeswideopen agony auntMy guess is guilt or maybe the thrill of thinking he's getting away with something. Just a guess.

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