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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Why do men cheat on their wives or girlfriends and tell them that they love them? And do their best to treat them well even though they are hurting them behind their backs? Even though they have side dalliances, why do they wish to never leave their full time partners? Why do men do this? I realize women can do this too but the question is directed at men. Should men not leave if they wish to be single???? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2021): Typo correction:
"You don't have to already have somebody to be [a] cheater, you're both cheating on the person the other party is with."
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2021): The sexist context of your post provokes response; because you actually admit women also have "dalliances;" but you only want to cite men for it. If you have been victimized by someone who cheated on you, I feel your pain. It has happened to me too! It sucks!
In a heterosexual-tryst/cheating-collaboration, it takes two to tango. At least one man and one woman. Women are not always innocent victims, or fooled into these situations. In fact, they are as much to blame as the male in the situation. If you discover a man has a girlfriend or wife, and you still decide to maintain an affair with this guy, how is it considered only the male's fault? He needs a partner in crime, a co-conspirator. Mistresses (or those considering the prospect) come to DC all the time; with full-knowledge they're with a married-man. If they both knowingly, and willingly, continue within an affair...aren't both involved cheaters? I don't see how you separate men from women, when both are cheating together? You don't have to already have somebody to be cheater, you're both cheating on the person the other party is with. What's the difference?
The question would have made more sense, if you had asked "why won't cheating-men leave their partners, and why do the women they cheat with put-up with it?"
The forbidden-fruit is always sweeter. People get bored with the same-old vagina or penis. People seek intrigue, and love the adrenalin-rush that comes from a clandestine-affair; while they have to feed their dopamine-addiction, once they're (intentionally) trapped in it. They get-off on sneaking around, making-up lies, and inventing outlandish tales; to keep their covert fling in the dark. Getting all the more sexually-excited at the thought of nearly (or possibly) getting caught! They also get a kick out of lying to themselves, and each-other; by rationalizing, in an attempt to justify what they're doing, in the false-belief it can't be wrong...if it's love! Such bull manure!!! BOTH are guilty as sin, and gender has nothing to do with the fact that one of the greatest sins in our nature is being unfaithful; and yielding to the temptation to cheat. We are all capable, but not all surrender to it so easily. A cheating-heart is a lying-heart, and a rancid soul! We even cheat on God Almighty; by idolizing and worshipping ourselves, money, material-things, and other people! That makes God livid! If not for the blood of Jesus; mankind/womankind would have been nothing but ashes! The world would be a cold lifeless planet!
An oversized sense of entitlement, and having "our cake and eating it too" is not a gender-specific issue. It's a human issue. People like having something stable, established, and secure; while being opportunistic and sneaky. It's their way of satisfying a "craving-impulse" without disturbing the nest. It's greediness, and wanting to know you have someone who is committed to you; while you get to play with somebody else, unbeknownst to your committed-partner. It's a form of vindictiveness; an opportunity to hurt them, without their being able to retaliate. Selfishness, because you want to satisfy your fantasies; and indulge in forbidden-pleasures that you would dare your partner to attempt. That wickedness is in anybody and everybody! Some of us have the self-control to resist the ever-recurring bewitchment of temptation; and some just don't give a damn! It's okay, as long as he or she doesn't get caught. The more they succeed at it, the less of a conscience they have about it.
They (male or female) won't leave their partners; because they still need to have something protected and assured. They want someplace to land, once their urge to stray has been satisfied. The irony is, many (maybe most) people who have the inclination to cheat; do not like the idea of being cheated-on! Their selfish-possessiveness lays claim and ownership of their human personal-property..."this is mine, and you can't touch it!" They despise the thought of somebody else laying a finger on "their" partner; even if they can't stand them!!! They maintain their emotional-hold/captivity over the other person's soul; because they've invested time and energy into their relationship. They aren't going to release that hold; until they've found something, or someone, that can replace them. Meanwhile, they opportunistically enjoy every chance they can get to cheat!
Some seem almost demonically-possessed; and get an almost perverse pleasure knowing they can steal someone from a committed-relationship. Somehow it gives them a sense of power, and makes them feel it's due to their irresistible magnetism. Their egos go through the roof! In their narcissistic twisted-minds, they (male or female) feel they deserve to have somebody for keeps, and the option to seek the delight of variety on the side; because one person can't satisfy their insatiable sexual-appetite. They might feel guilty, but after getting away with it undiscovered; they'll lose any sense of regret or remorse. They take pride in their stealth; and seem self-impressed with their creativity in lying, and dodging any detection.
In summation, the reasons are the same for either sex. You need somebody to cheat with, to be a cheater. If you are a heterosexual-male, that will be a woman. If you are a heterosexual-female, that will be a man. Same-sex, just as terrible! Having a wife, husband, girlfriend, or boyfriend is irrelevant when you get that "nasty itch" to creep! Who's to say it's a predominantly male-thing, when people cheat for all the same reasons, and still insist on keeping their committed romantic-partners??? Greed is part of our nature..."our" used in this sense, is an inclusive pronoun that encompasses both genders.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (20 November 2021):
 I think FA is spot on.
It's not just men who cheat. Unfortunately, cheating seems to be more common than not. Both with men and women.
After all, an affair takes two. (or more).
As to your questions "Why do men have dalliance but never leave their partner?".
I think it depends fully on the man himself. Mostly (I would presume) it's because it's easier and "cheaper" (short term) to stay married. Since in many instances the husband is either the sole breadwinner or the person in the marriage making the MOST money.
It's like all the murder cases where you see a husband (or wife) killing their spouse instead of "just" divorcing them. It really makes no sense. Short term they might "lose" some money but long term they will be "free" to do as they please, instead, they wake up and choose violence and then end up in jail. Makes no sense, logically.
Women who cheat might stay for comfort and security.
Men who cheat might stay to HAVE their family, to see their kids on a daily basis and not just for weekend visitations.
And some stay thinking it's about honor. That they made a promise (wedding vow) and they HAVE to keep it. Regardless of the state of the marriage.
Others are PERFECTLY happy with having their cake (wife and family) and eat it too (the mistress) because they get the respectability of a married man/father but also get to be "naughty" with some side piece.
And then of course there is the cheater (man or woman) who doesn't want to HURT their spouse, yet they are still so selfish that they cheat.
CULTURALLY, I think there is a notion that men who cheat STILL should stay and take care of their families. That a mistress is not really taken seriously, she IS a side piece, entertainment. Whereas women who cheat WANT to leave and be with the new beau.
After all that, you also have to ask, WHY do single people get involved with a married person? WHY do they partake in an affair?
In short (well, trying to make it short) each cheater is different. You can't blanket judge ALL men who cheat, or blanket analyze them and come to ONE sole conclusion. Humanity is messy.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (20 November 2021):
 I'm really not sure why you need to direct your question to men. On the face of it it is a ridiculous request. You think that cheaters (cheating men) should be ethical? But, they are cheating. But to give you a serious and hopefully helpful answer, let's take it from the top.
A fair amount of the "fun" in adultery is derived from getting away with it. It's not in their mind at the start, but it is what keeps them addicted to it. It is also why relationships that start as an affair rarely survive past exposure. after the truth is out the getting away with it rush fades away, and the bills and dirty socks of reality come in and it's no more fun than being married.
There is such a thing as ethical non-monogamy, it is rare because of human jealousy, and the lack of the cheating thrill. in ethical non monogamy everyone knows who everyone is sleeping with.
And finally there is the comfort and security of a long term relationship. Many men are reluctant to leave a poorly functioning marriage because they are comfortable. Women are more likely to file for divorce than men. I think that falls here. But women stay for comfort while cheating as well.
TLDR Thrill, and loss of comfort are the leading reasons that people do not leave their long term relationship before starting an affair.
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