A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am hoping some other people understand what I am going through as it seems to be a common problem for me and also some of my friends...I had a tiff with my boyfriend on Mondaynight, over something ridiculous....he woke me up when I was asleep, and I said please can you be a bit more considerate...literally me asking that turned into a bit of a fight....silly I know but it happened....so the next day I wanted to have sex and make up but he wasn;t feeling that way so in the end I went back to my place as thought if he had some space he would feel better...Two days later and he is still needing his space. We work together so I saw him for like 5 mins at lunch where he was really off with me.. I told him I will give him the space he needs, but if I am honest I am really hurt by it as I feel I am being pushed away, and kind of think how can I even think to be with this person when they get into little tantrums over nothing and end up hurting me...I am guessing this is him going into his cave....but what am I meant to do? If it was in a positive way I wouldn't mind the space but because its like the aftermath of a fight I just want to resolve it.Is his behavoir normal? What would you do? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2012): I'm like that aswell OP. Not so much with my girlfriend because we live together and it's just not feasible to be angry with her for more than a few hours because she's constantly around.
OP sometimes anger can fester, it's usually been building up and then something will set it off. I personally retreat because I need to stay away from the object of my anger while I resolve it and let it fade. Otherwise I may say/do something I really regret in the heat of the moment and I can't allow to happen.
Even yesterday I was forced to be in a position with a friend where they did something pissed me off. I was tired and grumpy already, I had no choice but to remain with them for the entire day too. So after they'd pissed me off they kept trying to resolve it and I quite literally exploded and said some hurtful things. I did resolve it with them but the tension remained and I felt both angry at them and myself for not maintaining control for the rest of the day. I still don't feel good about the situation even today. I would have preferred to have been able to escape the situation and go do something else, take my mind off things and let my mind relax so I could let the feeling subside and I could return to normal but they wouldn't let go OP, they didn't see that I needed to be left alone and their constant pressing for a resolution just made it worse.
You have to realize OP there are some things you can't resolve, you've done nothing major and don't have to fix this. You can't fix this, only he can resolve this in his mind. You know OP sometimes the best way of fixing something is to give someone the time and space to do it themselves. So respect his wish for the moment and let him deal with it. He's not trying to make you feel bad, he just needs to let this pass on its own.
A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (8 March 2012):
 Trying to resolve it is really just forcing the issue, like picking at a scab instead of letting it heal naturally.
The best and only thing for you to do is go about your business, keep busy, keep your chin up, leave it alone and let time sort it out. He will eventually come out of his cave. When he does, don't even mention the fight.
An important ingredient in effective communication is knowing when not to say something.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2012): No its not normal per se. Usually people in love want to problem solve and make things right.
There must be more going on in the equation for him to have this severe a reaction that he feels vindicated by giving you the silent treatment to the point of abusive to ignore you for two days?
Right.
I'm thinking he weasled his way out of a relationship and took that incident to create this 'tiff'.
Give it a few more days and then I says, call it over and move on.
If the Guy can't problem solve or want to - he isn't accountable or adult enough for a long term anything.
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