A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I have been dating a guy for about 5months, we had the talk (I initiated) and now been together officially for a further 2 and a half months. It's been a slow progression getting to know eachother. Which I have liked.He took me away for my birthday, weve met eachothers friends,they say he is happy and they have heard a lot about me (mostly female friends too!) I took him to my work party, I invited him for the first time to a family dinner, and hes kinda invited me to a family party of his.He hasn't had a girlfriend for a long time about 5 years maybe, so I think is a little unpractised in how to communicate with a girlfriend and feelings, where as I had a serious relationship about 2 years ago, and am probably very used to it, plus being quite an aware person also. So it is requiring patience on my part, as I'm having to ask questions slowly and not too much too soon if that makes sense, otherwise he freezes up.I have told him sometimes his aloofness and lack of sharing thoughts and feelings, makes me think he doesn't care, he said just talk to him if I need to. I said thanks and likewise. He literally barely says anything about 'us' he just puts in effort in actions, but i feel i have to guess. He can be quite a serious and intense and myseterious person, when I am with him, I feel special, but I don't know what it is, when we aren't together, I kinda feel like perhaps doubt, or even I feel single. When we are together is brilliant, but feel like we are both so independent we could just walk away and not be bothered.I like the independence, i dont want someone questioning me and being clingy. I just dont know why I feel doubt, or non attached kinda feeling when I am not with him? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, PerhapsNot  +, writes (4 January 2012):
 No, they don't change. My father is an emotionally inexpressive person and he has been the same ever since he was a little boy. Some women can deal with and some can't. If it's a deal breaker and something you cannot picture being with, now is the time to exit.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 January 2012):
 If he after all this time hasn't made any improvement as far as opening up to you etc, then no, he wont get better at it and things wont change in the future either. Sometimes you have to take things at eye value.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess I wonder whether he will stay like it, or do people as such get better in time, am I doing everything I can? and how long of a time do I let it 'go slowly' we are already planning the coming year, with holidays and sports challenges. So he is making commitments with me, which, well is a plus. He makes sure he gives me nothing to feel insecure about, no mind games (as he has a lot of female friends, and I have been entirely comfortable with this with his honesty/openess with his friendships)
Everything is good around it, including his friends 'hear a lot about me and he is very happy' I just don't hear it from the horses mouth.
This might sound odd, but sometimes I wonder if he just likes to 'show me off' because he thinks 'he is punching well above his weight with a pretty/ambitious girl as me'
he always comments after parties, I was the prettiest woman in the room. which of course is nice. But without other compliments to why he likes spending time with me. I'm just confused.
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (3 January 2012):
It all boils down to this: are you willing to accept someone who is aloof, serious and emotionally inexpressive? Most women don't appreciate a stoic man. There is nothing fun, exciting, or reassuring about an emotionally dead and quite man. And mysterious? Mystery is fun in the beginning, but when you have to wonder what on earth the person is thinking and doing 8 months later because they won't share who they are with you...It's a problem.
He will either have to share more of himself with you, or you will never form a strong emotional attachment with him. You can tell him how you feel, or you can leave. Only you know if you're willing to put effort and time into this relationship.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (3 January 2012):
Maybe you are both too independent, if you feel like you can walk away and not be bothered I'd dare say you aren't really that attached to each other. Attachment and having some needs in a relationship doesn't equal clinginess. There's a healthy medium, and you and him decide together where the line should be drawn (if things become too clingy, needy, and close) or if you actually need MORE in a relationship aside from having fun when you meet and feeling single when you're alone.
We all have different needs and wants from a relationship.. I don't think your needs are being met, I think you want more, but you have to go so slow with this guy even though you'd like to go faster and bond more. It's like you and him aren't "together" in a sense, you are just co-existing when you are apart. The relationship is only alive once you face each other?
I had a relationship where some of this was going on, that once we met things were great and I had his attention, but once we were apart he'd be aloof and not contact me, barely reply to messages, it made me wonder how much time, weeks or months, would have passed before he'd contact me.. Just having to wonder about it was enough to make me thing this isn't enough for me! I wouldn't say anything besides complete independence equals clinginess. I think you can find somewhere in the middle, but both parties need to remember about each other and take care of each others needs. You're looking after HIS needs by going slow. Then he should look after your needs and maybe pop a message every now and then or call more often, if that will help you feel better.
Communicate with the guy about this, or wait it out a few more months and see if he gets closer by himself. Relationships demand a certain amount of work and conflict resolving, that's how they end up strong and solid relationships.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 January 2012):
 I think you need to talk to him about this and tell him what you have said here. There is obviously something lacking in the relationship for you to feel like this and you need to get to the bottom of it or it will just keep eating away at you, so talk to him.
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