A
female
age
41-50,
*eachbummom
writes:I love my husband. Why do I always seem to put him down? I think that he is the most generous smart lovable good person that I've ever met. He is very shy, not real forthcoming with his feelings or affection for that matter. Doesn't like being asked any questions. Never smiles etc. Why do when we get in an argument or he has hurt my feelings do I pull out the low blows? Love him and want to stop but first need to know why I do the things that I do.Wife of 15 years
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): honey, after 15 years surely he's shown you some affection? or else why would you be with him?
so you two need to have agood long talk abot things that are bothiring each ofyou. you tell him that you are sorry for dealing the low blows but make sure he knows that you luv him to bits. and also tll him that he is the generous, mostlovable man you know so that there's no confuzion.
and then maybe he'll opn up like th blossom flower
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008): Usually when someone doesn't speak or answer questions, its because they believe their voice will be cancelled out by someone more intelligent, this is also why they refuse to answer questions. They can't be hurt or deafeted if they clam up.When they finally break out and argue, then you deal your killer blow.Eventually they clam up and give up arguing. give up on lifeIt could be construed as bullying, or just using your superior brain power, its debatable.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 May 2008):
 Sorry, anonymous male, I wasn't referring to you at all. I was trying to answer a fellow female who's been married for 15 years. If he can't come out of his shell in a 15 year marriage, then there are more serious problems than just posted here. I wish you all the best in your future communications and relationships.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008): I have to say Tisha-1 answer is typically female, totally missing the point. There is nothing wrong with him, its the pestering from people thinking there is thats the problem, its driven him deep into his shell.Just give him some space and a few compliments, and he will open up like a flower. He is a SHY, INTROVERT.I suffered this in a former relationship, till i doubted my very existence, so excuse the shouting.Good luck
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 May 2008):
Are you putting him down in front of other people or just in private?
I know some marriages where one spouse or both seem to be denigrating each other in public; I seriously worry about the long term survivability of those marriages, as it shows a lack of respect by one or both partners. Some joking around might be normal; never having a good thing to say about one's spouse is rather more serious.
If it's only in private, maybe you're trying to get a reaction out of him? Is it when you've hit him with a low blow that you get what you want?
You said he was "the most generous smart lovable good person that I've ever met," does he know you think this about him? And why doesn't he smile? Does he have a lot of worries in his life?
In my observation of men, and it is only limited to my experience, so keep that in mind, they like to fix things that are broken or figure out ways to make things work better. If they don't know that something is a problem, they continue on in the assumption that everything is just fine. If there is a problem, and they've been told in a serious, but not judgemental way, they will do what they can to fix things, provided they are emotionally invested in the relationship. And the flip side of this is that you know what you're bringing, positive AND negative, to the relationship from his point of view.
Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars. You Just Don't Understand, Women and Men in Conversation. There are lots of books out there about the differences in communication styles between women and men.
Have you tried to talk with him about this when you're both calm and not in the middle of an argument?
I've just looked back at what I've written in my reply, and realized that I've asked many questions and not given you a clear answer. I guess the reason why is that you need to look back at all the answers you've received here and work it out in your own mind and work on figuring out how to talk with your husband about this.
There's not magic solution, there's just figuring out how to communicate in an effective way. Sometimes it takes an argument to get things moved in the right direction, sometimes it just takes some good listening skills on the part of both partners in the relationship.
All the best, and good luck!
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (13 May 2008):
 I agree with twist of fate: "You are the dominant partner and you will strive subconcously to maintain that position."
Also, you have some pending accounts with him, which you can't settle because he won't speak.
This should be an easy problem to solve. If you don't want to put him down like this, don't put him down. This isn't something you can't control.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008): Possibly you have low feelings about yourself and you could be trying to control his 'status' some how by even things out with negative comments. I'm sure this is not deliberate on your part - just happens. Also I get frustrated with my husbands facial expression - wonder if he's got a pulse some days. This may show that you are affected or look for visual signs from another person - and you need reassurance or response that is demonstrative.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008): I think you do this because for one thing, you're angry that he never shows any emotions. FOr another thing, I think you say mean things to him to get a rection from him, as in everyday life he is shy as you said, never smiles, doesn't like to open up about anything, etc. & this may be the only time he shows any emotions. That has got to be frusterating.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008): The answers have to be found from within. Consider posts to your questions tools to ask of yourself and then search for the answer from within.
Your response could be to your husband that he didn't answer with the correct one. Kind of like being at an ice cream shop with 50 flavors. You say choose one for me, but when he picks a flavor he likes, it may not be the one you have feelings for to eat. So many choices, and so many possible answers and so many possible questions to ask, but htat isn't the right one that makes me feel all warm ... try again. This scenario destroys the relationship, the partner gets tired of being always rejected, tired of guessing that they give up and remain silent.
You need to do a better job of knowing what you want, not guessing, and then either ask for it or get it yourself.
Example is sex. Men wants it, he asks for it and either gets it or is rejected. To many rejections, he gives up. Over time, she becomes hurt because he no longer asks, so now, she feels unwanted. Well guess how he feels? Unwanted. Now the trouble begins, because your both hurt and the arguments will get heated, both arguing there own case and not realizing they both need the same things.
A husband of 21 years, frustrated and given up.
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