A
male
age
41-50,
*xploited
writes:My girlfriend of 13years (fiance for 3 of those) left me 2months ago. Its a really tricky one this. We always agreed on not having kids. We were very happy together. No fighting, no cheating. We always gave one another space when we needed to do our own hobbies or hang out with the boys or in her case the girls. 2 years ago she decided that she wants a baby. I agreed cause I didn't want to lose her. But a few weeks later I realised that I really don't want kids. We had a long talk about it. It was still bugging her but a few days later she told her sister that she was over babies. Everything went on as normal from there. Till about 4months ago. The subject came up again. She wanted to take a break and think. After a month she came back and told me she wants to leave. Now for what happened in between all this : about a year before she left she started eating right and working out. She lost close to 20kg's (she was always a bit overweight compared to her model looking sisters) it never bothered me. I accepted and loved her for her. Now when she took the month break from us she moved in with her sister who lives in a upper class area with nice clubs, VIP lounges and a whole lot of models and what I call "fake people" . All these people and places which wouldve never accepted her before accepted her now because of the big change. She got hooked into this world. She changed a lot in that month. When she came back " to leave me" she said I never wnated kids (yes its true) but in the same breath she says how much she loves clubbing and dancing. Stuff I / we never did. She's moving out at the moment. Moving to that same area... Its close to her work and of course its the place that took her from me in some way. I understand the child thing is a relationship breaker but why did she wait 2years or till she made this big change to leave me. That really hurts. Do you think this is just a phase or is she really giving up on 13years. I'm feeling guilty about not wanting kids. But then again she never showed any interest in kids.she would never hold babies or interact with children. There were no signs of wanting to be a mother. I really love her and miss her so much. And I can't stand the person she has become. Its not her. Its all health and fitness and jokes about fat people. Its all fake and it must be from tha attention she's getting now.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 June 2013):
 Yes, keep it no contact. Aren't you two broken up ? So, why contacting her, to be " friends " ? You said it yourself that you can't- it's true, right now you can't, it hurts too much, maybe in future when the emotions will be less raw.
Plus, if you keep hovering there in the fringes of her life, you are giving her a security and a safety net that she does not deserve. She gets the message that she can enjoy her new partygirl lifestyle, no rush, ..and no worry, should she get tired / disappointed / miss the security she had , she just has to snap her fingers and she'd get you back. At her terms and conditions. Uhm, not too good uh ?
Frankly, I think you should consider it over, and try hard to move on with your life, as hard as it is and it must be hard after 13 years, no doubt. Then again, if she has turned into a different person from how you knew her and loved her, probably you could not even last a month withg the new her.
IF she changes her mind and comes back to you , hat in hand, ( not probable )... well, you'll cross that bridge when you'll reach there, but in the meantime life must go on.
Reason for which, no, I don't advise you assisting with moving out her stuff, don't even be around there possible, it would be painful for you , or for both, and what for, to show you are a good guy ? If she stayed 13 years with you she knows you are a good guy . Let her deal with her decisions and their consequences ( including moving out stuff ) by herself.
A
male
reader, exploited +, writes (23 June 2013):
exploited is verified as being by the original poster of the question One more thing. When she left to take the break I contacted her the whole time. I was told to give her space cause I'm not giving her time to miss me. Blah blah blah. Now for the last 2+weeks I havnt made contact with her. Should I keep doing this?
She also said I've been her best friend for 13years. And she wants us to be part of one another's lives but not together.
I love her. I don't want to be her friend.
Last thing. She's coming at the end of the week to collect all her packed stuff so she can move into her own little place. Should I help with the move.? Its going to kill me inside but I feel it will show her somehow what she's losing. I want to be the good guy.
What to do?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (21 June 2013):
No, don't worry, you haven't wasted her life, she just wants now things that she never wanted before.
And yes, I can imagine you still love her and miss her. But- try to see it this way , you miss someone that does not exist anymoe. Someone who has become different and incompatible with you, that acts fake, likes fake people etc. She is someone that, if you had never met her before, and would meet her today for the first time, you would not like or get along it. Maybe you would not even notice her, regardless of her new body, because she is not your type of woman anymore , not the kind of person you'd fall in love with.
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A
male
reader, exploited +, writes (20 June 2013):
exploited is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh... And another thing she said. She doesn't want to go out and look for men. She wants to go have fun and find herself again.... (The new her I guess) I know she worked really hard on her new body.. Really she did...and I'm proud of her But this new personality... fake ..... I really love her and miss her so much.
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A
male
reader, exploited +, writes (20 June 2013):
exploited is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your reply cindycares.I know that having children is a big thing for a woman. Especially when that clock starts ticking. And I wouldve understood it better if she just came out and said. "I want kids, you don't ,, see ya" but she kept it all going till herbody was perfect and new attention was there. She didn't listen to what I wanted to say. She had already made up her mind. My worst fear is that she's going to end up with someone who would have never accepted her before the change. And I feel like I've wasted her life because of me not wanting kids. But then again she never wanted before either. It really hurts seeing her like this. This isn't her!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (20 June 2013):
13 years are a long time, people can change in 13 years . Particularly about having children. When I was a teenager I just hated children ( well, I am not much of a child person, even now- I loved MINE, but others', I can take them or leave them ) and thought I was never going to have one. I had become more open to the idea by my late 20's, and when I got married I actually had totally reconciled with the idea of becoming a parent, and by 30 I was actually WANTING a baby . I am glad that my son was conceived at the very first try, because I spent the weeks from the try to the pregnancy text, obsessing " what if I am infertile ? what if I'll never be a mom ? ".
Why did not she say it at once, you say. Only she will know for sure, my guess is that there are two reasons : one is that I described it as a linear ,straightfoward process from no child to with child. It's not, if you are not a natural born breeder, like your Gf and I, there's a lot of mental becak and forth, lot of indecision, until one day you just make the decision, yes or not, and that's it, right or wrong that it may be, but at some point one HAS to decide, one can't waffle over that all her life. Which does not mean that she may not have thought the opposite... half an hour before her final, utimate decisiosn.
the second is , still , that 13 years are a long time, particularly if they have been happy and peaceful, it's very hard to throw them away over ONE isuue, no matter how important. If the issues become more than one... In your case, her change also included wishing for herself a snazzier, spunkier life aamong more glamorous people. the change may have been initiated casually, by sheer coincidence,- her new body granted her access to places were she would not have been comfortable before, but , in my eyes, it is clear that if the seed ( of dancing and clubbing and " doing the scene " ) took up so quickly, it was because the ground was ready, fertile and receptive.
Some times you want something, that you don't even know what it is, until you fond it. For your ex , it may have been the glamour and excitement of her new glitzy surroundings.
( which, btw, does not match too well with her desire for maternity. yeah poor girl, let her party and dance NOW, when she has a child, she won't have much time and energy for the night life ! ).
I know that it still sucks, and my explanations does not maky it any less sucky. It was just so say that no, i don't think you that hse has willingly and maliciously deceived you, intentionally lied to you. It's just that each life is a path, some times it runs parallel and close to another person's path, even for a long time, but then you reach a point that each one got to desire different things and the paths start to diverge, first a little, then a lot.
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