A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi I wonder if anyone can shed light on this. My ex and I have split up a month after my meeting his son. My ex was reluctant to introduce me to his son as in his words, he didn't want his son to meet someone who may not be on the scene in 12 months. Anyway, he introduced us and we all went on holiday together. A month later I was dumped with him telling me ours was not a serious relationship but a casual one. So why did he tell me it was serious, practically move in with me, introduce me to his son and let us start to bond if he had no intention of carrying on? I'm confused and I've told my ex this but he doesn't understand why I should be confused. I'm feeling betrayed.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2009): I can understand your confusion, and I don't completely agree with rythmandblues answer that you shouldn't assume he was serious about you just because he introduced you to his son. He may not have spoken words of love at that point, but the implication of your meeting his son was that he WAS serious, since he said he wouldn't introduce him to someone who wouldn't be around in a year.Almost the same thing happened to me last year. I was dating someone who was going through a divorce. He has 2 children that he didn't introduce me to for a year, for the same reason as yours. I finally met them, several times, then a few months later he was gone. I think your guy probably did have feelings for you, but something changed. Maybe he became interested in someone else. Maybe as you dated he began to see things in you that weren't what he wanted, or he didn't see things in you that he does want. That's what dating is all about. As hurtful as it is to be broken up with, especially when it's unexpected, that's just part of the dating game. I'm sorry you're hurt, but there will be someone better out there for you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2009): I know this isn't what you want to hear, but it doesn't matter. What matters is how you feel about it.
It is a waste of your time to analyze him for two reasons, one you can't apply logic to an emotional decision (the break up) and two you most always are wrong what ever conclusion you assign to it. We women make the mistake of thinking that if we can come up with a logical answer, then our pain will go away. It just doesn't work like that.
We also get hung up in events like meeting his son and going on holiday and having sex with him and attaching meaning to them, as if we are in a real relationship with him.
Which is unfortuneate because we are really more in a fantasy relationship with him until he decides to claim us and marriage is on the table.....and that can take months of dating and even years......so what can we do to not drive ourselves insane?
Well, we can focus on ourselves, and take our focus away from a man so that he has to work to have us and he has to pursue us and prove his love to US.
By doing so we make sure that we continue to do the things that make us happy and when we are happy he is more attracted and drawn to us.
What about exclusivity, well that can be a trap for women, being a girlfriend takes us off the market and why should we do that if a real commitment like rest of life I want to be with you hasn't been established? We can manage that my continuing to date other men and letting as many men as we want take care of us emotionally, and he may not like it, but we are keeping our options open, because certainly he is as well.....we can be sexually faithful though and require it from him, but we don't have to stop having other men in our lives until he makes up his mind....isn't this what men do?
So just because an event happened, holiday, meeting his kid, it doesn't equal serious relationship to a man until he tells you it does. Lesson learned.
I am sorry he was such a jerk to you, and I think it is time to put your focus back on you, who knows when you stop chasing him, maybe he will start wondering about you.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (13 February 2009):
 I'm sorry you feel betrayed but he obviously changed his mind about your relationship. You will just have to try to accept this and get on with your life.
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