A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 and a half years now. It's been long distance the entire time with at least one visit each year. We talk about getting married, having kids, all the commitment stuff. We've had our ups and downs. But it seems like there's something that may be in the way, and it's not even him.I have emotional issues. I’ve never denied this to anyone I’ve been close enough too, which is few people indeed. The first 3 years of my life were spent in emotional and physical neglect, squalor and abuse. From the age 3 onwards, I was adopted by my grandparents and given a constant loving and spoiled environment. The only thing I wanted for growing up was friends. The entire duration of my school life I had..very few friends. I was a book worm who seemed to be instinctively shunned by the other children. I was the last one picked as partner for a class project, and I always felt horrible and embarrassed to have to go to the teacher and tell them I didn't have anyone to work with, and they would have to find a group to inject me in. I can probably admit part of it was my fault for not taking initiative, but I didn't want to feel like I forced anyone. The only time I actually felt like I had friends who were that was my junior year of high school. And even that still fell under a handful. My boyfriend often says that we are both loners through different paths. He chose it, I was forced into to. Which is extremely true. I have a constant fear of being judged and failing, anything. Even a mistake in cooking will leave me distressed and unhappy for at least a few hours.The reason I’ve explained all this is I’m having trouble...wrapping my head around the concept of unconditional love, which it seems my boyfriend feels for me. I looked up the definition trying to fully understand it on Wikipedia, and read the article to him. When it came to the part of unconditional love being a part of a “highly committed relationship” and he confirmed this was what we had, I was minorly stunned. I know we were in a relationship, that we were both committed because after all, we wanted to move in and make a life together and didn't that take commitment? But I had never thought of it as a highly committed relationship. This afternoon I expressed to him that I still couldn't get it into my head and understand it, and he said to me, “I could be perfectly happy living the rest of my life alone, but it makes me happier being with you.” I’ve been grappling with it for 5 or 6 hours now, trying to understand how or why of this. Usually when I run over his statement and try to delve deeper into it, my brain “shuts down” or I hit a mental wall and I go completely blank.As I said, I have emotional issues. This includes an abundance of low self-esteem, insecurity and jealousy. I’ve probably put him through a lot of hell these past four years, and yet he can still say this to me? He's the type of man who has no problem saying a truth, even if it's ugly and hurtful. He regrets causing pain but he will be honest and a man of his word. And I can't understand why he'd choose to be with me, why he would show me unconditional love I haven't done anything to earn. I don't know how to understand any of this, or how to get it into my head to the point I understand it. I’ve always wanted someone who would love me forever no matter what, despite all my flaws. Why is it, now that I have it, I can't understand it?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2012): This question is perfect.
I understand your boyfriend, when he says that he could be fine being alone, but you make things better. There are some people that have a higher "social need" of interacting with others, going out, having a boyfriend/girlfriend continuously or they feel lost...and some people are just more independent, and have more things going on on their lives that fulfill them more. This sounds like your boyfriend, he is perfectly fine being without you, but your companionship makes things better than they are. Like someone said "the cherry on top"
I can understand your plight (somewhat) and your point of view. Honestly, the answerer's attitudes and responses are NOT pessimistic AT ALL. They are honest and very RATIONAL.
I understand that being on this relationship, fulfills you can cures some of that loneliness, as I have been there. The Wikipedia article on it is flagged as being biased,so I would not go exactly by that definition. Unconditional love is when he could be a drug addict, a wife beater, or if he wants to quit his job and live off you, and you would still love him. Unconditional love is the kind of love some mothers have for their children, where they can be a murderer/rapist etc and they still love them besides their mistakes. If your boyfriend murderer or raped someone would you still love him the same? If he confessed to you be was a pedophile would you love him the same? unchanging? I'm sure you would look at him on a different light. Therefore it would not be "unconditional".
Look up the Karla Homolka case. Would you go this far to make him happy?
Most importantly, unconditional love is the kind of love that would make either you or him move and leave everything behind so you can be together and happy, because since you have "unconditional love" then you will surely work it out right? ;)
You love your boyfriend because he worked through things, and he allegedly left this other person he was cheating with. So you are putting conditions on him, the conditions of him being faithful. So if you are so jealous and possessive of him, is this really unconditional love? Would you stand by him agina if he cheats once more?
No, you love him for how he makes you happy (this is a condition). sure, you love him with his flaws, but if he made you miserable would you love him the same? If he had not left this girl would you still love him?
To your "wind" example, the wind that may blow on the shore, may not be the same exact wind that blows on the ocean. Sure you may love him, but it is not the same love frequency as a more mature love, of someone that would give their lives for another person.
Another example is on the book 1984: The two protagonists are "in love" and swear to do everything even going against the goverment to be together. When the time came, and both were being tortured by being eaten alive by rats ( protagonist had a phobia of it) on the midst of his desperation, he gave up. To save himself. So think about it, would you have someone amputate your legs (for an extreme example) raw no sedatives, so your boyfriend wont go through the same?
These are the kinds of unconditional love. We humans love with conditions, of being happy and fulfilled. It is the basics of human evolution. You mate with someone who can fulfill your needs and wants, you look for someone who loves you and treats you well, not with just anyone. Our love is always conditioned. Would you still be together if you could never be together physically for a lifetime?
Thi is why I tell you that answered are spot on, and it is not a pessimistic attitude. It is a realistic attitude. We all love with conditions, this is why we have types, and why attraction is so important. (You know one of your boyfriend's conditions to be faithful is having satisfying sex.)
"Love" is just a chemical on your brain, and love matures and grows and it comes with acceptance, trust , compasion, empathy...
To quote the Wiki article you mentioned:
Also Abraham Maslow supported the unconditional perspective by saying that in order to grow, an individual had to have a positive perspective of themselves.[3]
So try to no over analyze everything, enjoy what you ahve now, and be happy. But don't "romanticize" everything , be more realistic and aware of the world and of human nature. Be happy, but also take care of yourself. (physically and emotionally. Ask yourself these questions, and you might be surprised, sure you may love him, but I hope this helped you udnerstand unconditional love better.
I am just like you on the sense that I find unconditional love to be something that is not as easily obtainable. On a personal example I was also involved on a long distance relationship. He said he would not bear to be away from me, and transfered from his college to mine from the other side of the country and left his high paying job on wall street. He had to start working on a 9 -5 retail job at first, but he did not care. He knows I would not do that, but this is a great proof of a great love. We are still together.
(For reference I am 22, and like you I was also "shunned" when I was a kid, because I had an accent, and would be physically beaten and bullied. I still had straight As , as without friends, schoolwork as all I had left, and I am currently on law school, and I understood that real actual friends are very few, and you can count them with one hand. I am very happy with my life, and I get alone well with people and have acquaintances, but I devout my time to activities I enjoy and this gives me plenty of opportunities to socialize.)
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (4 December 2012):
 Its not sad or cold at all, it is just not a silly childish attitude to love and relationships. I understand what you are talking about when you say you would do anything to make your partner happy, even if at times it means personal sacrifice. That is great, a sign of a good relationship - exactly what my boyfriend and I have. I'm not some cold hearted, anti-love old woman, I'm 25 and am in a happy loving relationship where (touch wood) so far we havent had any problems at all and even now we are living together things are great.
But wanting to make your partner happy is VERY different to the true meaning of 'unconditional love'. Yes we all sacrifice to make our partners happy, that is what love is - sometimes love means making sacrifices. However sacrificing from time to time doesnt mean there are no conditions to your love.
It is so very immature to say 'I know my boyfriend would never hit me/cheat on me etc' especially when he already has. Ok so he has changed, and you have worked through it - brilliant. But you cannot be so foolish to think that aged 18-21 that you and your boyfriend and not going to change again, you are so incredibly young and just starting out in life, you have had no real life experience yet and you have no idea what life is going to throw at you. Saying he is never going to do anything bad ever again is living in a dream world, looking at love through rose tinted glasses. You and your boyfriend still have a lot of growing up to do, you will experience a lot over the next few years and many things will change. I'm not being nasty and saying you are childish, I'm just trying to say that it is naieve to say something is 'never' going to happen because you know your boyfried wouldnt do it - never say never. You havent met the person your boyfriend will be in 10 years time, he might be a totally different person and life well have changed him, do never rule anything out. Hence why there are always conditions, simply because you can never say never.
But putting all this aside, the main thing is that you and your boyfriend have had a talk, you are on the same page and are happy. It is your choice if you want to believe in romantic unconditional love or not, but just because some other people dont believe in it and look at life in a more realistic manner doesnt mean we are all cold hearted. We still experience love like anyone else, we just dont have our 18-21 year old rose tinted glasses on anymore, by 25 you will have found life doesnt work out so well when you are so naieve.
I'm glad you have sorted this out with your boyfriend and all the best for the future.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso, thank you to most of you for showing me exactly the pessimistic attitude I want to break out of. Sometimes it's easier to figure out what I don't want or what I do want when I have examples in front of me and I can judge my emotional reaction to them. Many of your views on unconditional love not exisiting in relationships has made me sad and feel how cold that is.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think I actually regret writing this question, looking at the answers I got. So first, let me be polite and thank you all for your answers provided!
Yesterday, me and my boyfriend sat down and talked. I had read an story about a boy who did everything and anything he could to make his girlfriend happy and show how much she meant to him, using his entire summer vacation to slave away to buy a very expensive ring to propose with. As an example of unconditional love
Now while this story didn't exactly help me understand the concept completely, it did bring me a few steps closer. And when I read the story to him, he told me that was exactly what he was talking about. And I thought about all the things he's done and said to me over the years, and realized that was unconditional love. And after some deeper thinking, I realized what I felt for him was unconditional love as well. When I thought about the way I treat him, how it just made me feel wonderful just to see him happy and I’d do anything to see that, it didn't matter what problems we still have to work on. So I think I understand the concept of unconditional love a bit better, even if it's not completely.
Now. To answer your questions. Had I NOT had this conversation and still agonized about what unconditional love is, some of your answers quite frankly would have done more harm than good. To say unconditional love exists in one place but not another is...strange! It's like saying yeah, the wind blows on the sea shore but not in the city. The conditions you talked about are yes, bad. I’m going to admit that yes, my boyfriend has cheated on me twice, early in our relationship. Minor things, such as just groping a womans chest at her invitation and seeing a coworker naked but refusing to go further.
Both times he's told me the day it happened, and both times I was stunned and unsure what to do. Both times, he fully expected me to break up with him. But when someone is so regretful they break into tears, something they rarely do unless under serious emotional distress...i couldn't be angry. Especially when before one event, I realized I wasn't really enjoying a man's enjoyable flirting, coming from a man who had been the epitome of my desires and I would have given anything to be with, or to have attracted to me. And yes, I’ve made my mistakes. I’ve shoved him a few times out of anger, yelled at him and so forth.
Through every issue, we both realized what the underlying cause was and both worked to fix it together. The cheating events? It was because he was frustrated because I was being as open sexually as I had been before and he felt stifled and took advantage of events when they presented, a weakness he admits and has never repeated as we both work to figure out all the ins and outs of each other sexuality. Yes, I love my boyfriend unconditionally. Because I know the things he will NEVER DO. He would never hit me or abuse me, unless I asked specifically for it in a sexual manner, and the same applies from me to him. He will not cheat on me again, because he doesn't like the person he turns into when it happens, and because now I satisfy him. I know he wouldn't chose another woman because she has more everything than me, because he has SAID he knows that woman exists but he's more interested being with me, flaws and all. And what is a relationship if you won't trust what your lover says, when they usually prove trust worthy?
We don't set conditions in our relationship, except the things we want to accomplish. He's said that even if I got fat, he would find me sexually and physically attractive but if I so desired, he would help me lose weight. I feel the same way about him, though I’ve developed a strange fondness for his big soft comfy belly 3. The only thing we want most is to make each other happy, more than ourselves. Yes, this makes the relationship more difficult because we both have difficulty asking for ourselves but we manage. I very firmly now believe unconditional love does exist in relationships and that it's not a bad thing. I still don't really understand it, but now I’m not trying to understand the exact hows and whys of it. The mere fact that it exists and I get to feel it is enough for me. And it's already making me a better person, because now I’m trying to break the cycle. And it makes it easier, knowing that no matter what, I’ll have the man I’ve always called my soul mate right there by my side, helping me.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (4 December 2012):
You have just fallen into a trap that many young people in relationships fall into - the idea of 'unconditional love'. The problem with unconditonal love is that it DOES NOT EXIST in romantic relationships, it simply is not possible. For example, if you cheated on your boyfriend, he would most likely end the relationship and the 'love' would end. There are 'conditions' on your relationship - i.e. being faithful, not being physically violent to each other etc. If you hit your boyfriend for example, again it is unlikely that he will stay with you and his love for you would continue.
In short, there are things you can do to stop your boyfriend from loving you, therefore the love between two romantic partners cannot be 'unconditional' because there are things you can do to make the other person fall out of love with you. Ok these are serious things, and the love may take a while to go, but it is possible to do something that will cause your boyfriend to stop loving you.
The love a mother feels for her child is unconditional, the love a person feels for their parents is unconditional - you will love them no matter what because they are your family and nothing can change that. That is true unconditional love. You will find mothers whose children are murders and even though they are disappointed, hurt, angry etc by their child's behaviour, if asked 'do you still love him' they will say yes, because even if they become something awful that woman gave birth to that child and that bond can never be broken.
In essence you are worrying about nothing, your boyfriend's love for you is not unconditional and it never will be, just like your love for him will never be unconditional.
You obviously have a 'highly committed' relationship otherwise you would not be talking about the future, nothing to be shocked or stunned by there. You have clearly spoken to him about marriage and kids, so this is the man you see yourself with for life - you cant get much more committed than that! So you both feel the same way about each other, which is great - stop trying to make yourself feel something that doesnt exist. You cant make yourself feel any more or be any more committed, you are perfect as you are.
This statement from your boyfriend - I could be perfectly happy living the rest of my life alone, but it makes me happier being with you.” - is nothing to be worried by either. It just means that he is a generally happy person, he is happy being single and is an independent man, but you are like the icing on the cake - you make his good life even better.
Ok so you might have put him through 'hell' as you say, but I'm sure he has upset you and caused you stress and hurt too. In all relationships there are ups and downs, we all hurt our partners at times and do things that cause pain. But we get over them, the good times outweigh the bad and we forget about the bad bits. That is why that despite you putting him through 'hell', he simply has moved past that and the good times with you outweigh the bad which makes him want to spend the rest of his life with you.
I honestly think you are creating an issue out of nothing, there is nothing to understand! He loves you, you love him and you both want to spend the rest of your lives together - you both want the same things! There is no such thing as unconditional love in a romantic relationship, and that comment from him simply meant that you make his life better. I'm sure your life is better for having him in it? So that is all you need to understand, that you both make each other happy and are glad to have each other in your lives.
Try not to overanalyse every feeling or issue you have, I used to do this when I was your age (I too had a number o problems from my childhood) and I decided to go to therapy for it, and they made me ask 'why' about every little thing, every thought, every comment....and after a few months of therapy I realised it was actually making me worse. Sometimes we have feelings and emotions that are not explainable, and even if we try and explain them it actually makes things worse.
And I think in your situation you are sabotaging yourself with this constant need to question everything - just accept you are both happy and in love with each other, you want the same things from life so there is nothing to worry about. You can spend all your life questioning things, or you could simply accept them and get on with enjoying your time together. You are only young once, this is the time for you and your boyfriend to do whatever you want with nothing like marriage and kids tying you down yet. Enjoy yourselves and leave the questions alone, as soon as they pop into your head let it go and dont allow yourself to go into it.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (4 December 2012):
 Hi, stop being hard on yourself, dont over analyze things. Learn to love yourself and enjoy life. Yes the BF listen to everything and is supportive, but if another woman comes along and is more fun and not heavy emmotional - he will think he is missing out on something.
I hear you had a difficult childhood but it cannot be an excuse into your adult life (I am not being insensitive). Assume a person commits murder and says well I had a poor up bringing and bad influence - that will not hold as a crime was committed. Similarly we learn from our hardships and move forward positively. Try to enjoy peoples company, go out have fun. Start with one or two friends and then you will learn to be sociable.
I am sure the BF loves you but also wants someone that he can have fun with and be happy. Try to change your attitude and you will let go the baggage and stop looking too much into everything that is said. He loves you conditional or unconditional - irrelevant, he wants to be with you - that is important, he makes you happy - most important.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2012): you dont need to understand it, love is a very beautiful feeling and i belive you should be greatful for having him in your life, unconditional love is something that it just happens, for example, i deeply love my girlfried, and i would do pretty much anything for her, however, im aware that she loves me too, but not exactly the same way that i do, so, even though she does very few things for me i still love her, its hard to explain, it just happens. dont overthink it and enjoy your boyfriend. not all people in this planet have the joy of being loved unconditionally by someone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2012): Actually, I believe that "unconditional love" doesn't exist in the context of an intimate relationship/marriage and should not either.
You see, a marital relationship is the closest human relationship there is. Loving someone unconditionally in this context is dangerous. Is your boyfriend saying he would love you even if you abused him? even if you cheated on him? Even if you betrayed him? even if you did all three over and over again? And what does it mean if he were to still love you if you did those things? Does it mean he should continue to stay married to you and treat you well even if you were treating him like crap? I'm not saying that you would ever do any of these things. I'm just saying that "unconditional love" is a flawed and misleading concept in intimate relationships/marriages because it's saying exactly that you would maintain the marriage even if your partner abused/cheated/betrayed you. That's self-destructive and unhealthy. Yet if you say "but of course if he abused/cheated/betrayed me, I would be forced to leave him" - well then you've now shown that your love IS conditional after all. And that's a good thing, if this is what those conditions are. But then you need to call it what it is - marital love SHOULD be conditional. You take vows to love, honor, cherish one another. Those are CONDITIONS for a marriage to exist (or at least to be functional and good).
Unconditional love is easier to do when the relationship isn't as close as a marriage, when it has more buffer zones than a marriage. Such as, the relationship between parent and child, between friends and siblings. Then you can love the other person unconditionally in the context of those relationships, because their ability to hurt you is not as deep since you don't (a) live with them (b) share all your money with them (c) have sex with them...etc . furthermore, having one friend doesn't preclude you from having other friends so if this friend isn't treating you well, you're still able to love them unconditionally because you can still get your emotional needs met (we all have emotional needs) by other friends. But in a marriage, if your spouse mistreats you, this is it, this is your lot in life. You can't get your emotional needs (as far as marriage is concerned) met by someone else as long as you're still married to your spouse. Unless you get divorced first. Then that shoots down the concept of "unconditional love" in a marriage. But in that situation can choose to love the other person "unconditionally" but yet not be married to them anymore, but loving them as a friend only and not letting them get that close to you to where they can hurt you.
When your bf claims he would love you unconditionally, realize that your relationship has been long distance. it's very different living with someone and having your life entangled in theirs. It would be much harder to love someone when they have the power to hurt you in more and deeper ways and use that power to do so. Again I'm not saying that you or your bf would do this. Just saying that you really need to think about this concept of "unconditional love" and what it means to YOU, before you can even decide if it exists in your relationship.
sorry this isn't the question you were asking, but maybe it can help you sort through your thoughts on the issue.
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