A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm originally from USA but I've been living in Mexico for the past several months. I love it here, and I've made some wonderful friends, but something has been tearing me up inside lately.I'm worried that there's something profoundly, and irreversibly, wrong with me. I've always had a difficult time forming close friendships with people. I worry that I don't know how to connect with people. People have told me to be myself, and I can see that they're right, and I know that patience and letting things happen naturally are important, but I fall into despair sometimes.People have told me that I worry too much, and that's definitely true, but I don't know how to get peace in my heart. Like I said, I really care for the friends I've made, but I would really like to form close friendships with them, but I'm lost as to how. For example, when I see them, I want to talk to them but I'm not sure what to say. Then, I start to feel shy, or nervous. I KNOW that they're my friends but I worry that my nervousness will cause them to fall away from me. I'll feel nervous and say something stupid, for example Ill ask the same question twice, it's just nerves. I graduated from college years ago, and I'm an EFL (English as a Foreign Language) teacher right now. Connecting with people was always difficult for me... in college I made friends but many or those friendships faded away eventually, even though I tried to keep in touch.I've been told that forming close friendships isn't auspicious after you've graduated from college and you're established in your career.I'm afraid that the stupid things I've said have ruined my chance of ever becoming close friends, I imagine the impression I must have made.Am I mental or is this something that can be fixed? I didn't feel unsure of myself when I set off to live in a foreign country but I worry that something is innately wrong with me... that either I'm mental or that I'm not as smart as most people. People think that I have it all, in spite of all this. I can speak three languages and I play lead guitar in a band (which is my passion)... but the question thats tearing me up inside is: What's wrong with me? I don't know what to do! I realize there are cultural differences but I went to college here in Mexico (beautiful country, don't believe all the shit you hear on the news about Mexico btw) and I understand the culture, and as an undergrad I didn't experience this degreee of awkwardnes... also in the USA I had even more difficulty making friends! I love my friends dearly but how to show them without coming across as desperate or needy? Why can't I connect with people? Is there something wrong with me? Thank you if you can help me.
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female
reader, Lucky786  +, writes (20 April 2011):
 You have achieved a lot so well done. Not sure I'd be able to move to another country and I can't speak 3 languages or play a musical instrument. You have achieved so much on the outside yet so little on the inside...? I'm talking about self-esteem and self-confidence. Your social anxiety is self perpetuating because there's that teeny little voice in your head saying "I wonder how I'm coming across?" or "If I say this will I sound stupid?" So instead of relaxing and enjoying the company of your friends because you are confident enough to know they enjoy your company, you are constantly fretting which means you don't concentrate on what is being said, so you ask questions twice and then you think "Do I sound stupid?" and on and on it goes. No wonder you think you are going mental!I think our view of ourselves is based partly on how others see us and partly on how we feel about ourself inside. The balance between the two needs to be about 70/30. Right now I think you're about 30/70. Work on reversing that by working to enhance your self-esteem and drowning out that little voice in your head!Good luck.
A
female
reader, peace143  +, writes (20 April 2011):
hi.... in every relationship friends to lover, we have to learn who we are inside, but this is ongoing for life. being in another country can be difficult trying to connect with people. show them that you care by inviting them to your home for a dinner. have some drinks and music, have fun... realize we r here on earth a short time. dont worry about what people think or what you look like or if you have a bugger on your nose or food on your face when you eat, lol. we are all human. time to start loving yourself and have fun. say what you feel dont hide who you truly are, be the best person you can. if not, you are limiting yourself, your life..... peace love and happiness xox
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