A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need help. So this is how it all started....I was talking to my boyfriend earlier, and at the very beginning of our conversation I got aggravated at him for something really little. Inevitably, my little aggravation slowly became bigger and bigger, and by the end of me listening to him play guitar for an hour, apparently he started to become in a bad mood also.So, we got off the phone and he said he just needed some time to relax and calm himself down and that he'd call me later.Well, we get off the phone and not only was I in a horrible mood, I really wanted to talk to him about it, because well, he's my boyfriend and I'd hope he'd be able to talk to me about my problems and things. So it seems like the time I needed him most, he couldn't be there for me.He called me back later, and I told him how I felt and how I was really sad and why I was sad, etc. He then told me that he was in a bad mood too, and his way of dealing with that was to be alone. And my way to deal with my anger/sadness was to talk to him, so obviously this situation wasn't working out. I asked him why he couldn't just tell me why he was angry and he said he was thinking a lot about his past and he didn't want to bring it up 'cause he knew it'd put me in a bad mood.THAT BEING SAID, made me in an even worse mood because I knew he was referring to his ex-girlfriend and that he was thinking about all that crap.I'm just really bothered because I don't understand why he has to still think about that crap, when it obviously puts him and myself in a bad mood. And why can't he just talk to me about it? Or just get over it? I'm super bummed out about this.Then again, I start to feel like I'm to blame also. I don't know how to deal with this. I don't want to make him look like the bad guy 'cause he's done nothing wrong, I just want to know why I've got to react so horribly..
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks so much.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI understand what you both are saying. Thanks a lot for your feedback....And that does tend to happen in most instances when things like this happen. I guess I just have to better understand it.
I just sometimes feel really bad for trying to put all the blame on him, when I too, am to blame, I guess.
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A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (18 September 2010):
I agree with CaringGuy, a lot of guys tend to be like that. And it's not necessarily a bad thing, for either of you.
My second bf was like that, and at first it drove me crazy because I wanted to talk about our problems and just vent and everything because I was emotionally charged at the time. And he would leave or go to another room or hang up. And I would sit there and think about it and get angrier. But if we did try to talk about it right after, it got nasty: more shouting, more blaming, more saying things in the moment that hurt the other person. And if we did wait, we would come back calmer and more open to the other person's view. Better able to apologize and accept responsibility for our part in it. So now with my current bf, I actually will want to take time if I'm angry.
So when this happens, just try to think about the fact that your bf is doing what he needs to do for the good of the relationship. Going off to cool down a bit and think about things so that he can come back and not be angry or hurtful. And you can spend some time distracting yourself with reading or watching tv, become a bit less emotionally charged. When people are less emotionally charged (angry, really upset, etc.) they're more able to recognize the valid points of the other person, instead of being "why did he do that? he knows that makes me angry or upset, etc." it can be more "yes, he did that, but maybe he didn't realize or something. doesn't mean he doesn't care."
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (18 September 2010):
This is surely one of the most common questions women ask on this site.
"How do I get him to talk"!/"Why won't he just talk!"???
Sadly, there is no answer other than give it time.
Women thrive on being able to talk through problems immediately.
Men do not. At all. When I have a problem, I simply have to sit down alone and think about it. All you can do is give it time and let him cool down, no matter how much you need him, because if you don't, you'll never get answers. Just relax, let him have his moment of thought, and you'll get far more talked about and solved than you would if you tried to make him talk.
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