A
female
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anonymous
writes:Why are peoples sexual pasts such an issue for some people, mainly women? I have a problem with the number of women my man has slept with (over 100) and some of my friends do too (nowhere near that many!) What causes these problems? Why can't we move on? Do we expect a virgin, or just someone who respects sex? How can we forget about this? Why is this such an issue when everything else in the relationship is great? Most of all, do you stick around if you can't get over it, even if the person is great apart from this? Is it healthy to sweep it under the carpet?
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male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (23 November 2006):
 Hi There,
Most of all, do you stick around if you can't get over it, even if the person is great apart from this?
This depends on the person, but I can tell you that if you do not deal with this issue, it will only continue to bother you more over time.
Is it healthy to sweep it under the carpet?
No. What is healthy is to find some peace with it. Since you are the one feeling negatively about it, then it is only YOU that can figure out why.
-Frank B Kermit
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (23 November 2006):
 It is difficult because we are not naturally able to cope with the idea that our partner has been promiscuous. Remember that this is a coming together of some relatively recent phenomena: contraception, womens rights, longer lifespans, divorce, and a media that uses sex to sell. Put these together and you have a very different environment than what humanity is 'programmed' to cope with.
Imagine if you met someone who had had 100 sexual partners in the 1940s. Given the lack of contraception that behaviour would be seen as incredibly irresponsible, both in terms of likely having 10 illegitimate children, and probably carrying a multitude of STDs. You would assume a woman with that many partners was a whore, and a man was a terrible philanderer.
The emotional reactions we have to this now are very much the same, even though our context has moved on. The deep parts of your psyche... your emotions and your innate sexual / partner feelings tap into a part of you that does not know contraception and feminism.
In a way we still react like stone-age man in an incredibly different context. What our instincts and animal nature tell us are at odds to what modern society is telling us.
I'm not saying society is wrong by the way, or that we need to return to a more 'natural' way of living. That is impossible. But I do think it is valuable to reflect on how far the human race has come in just the last few decades and why that causes so much conflict within us.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (22 November 2006):
 It's one of those unfair things in life. Men and women ARE different, most of the time. There is some crossover but in general, we're wired differently, as one of my favourite agony aunt says.
Men, in general are the hunters. Women are accustomed to being courted. Times have changed but that is still the way it goes most often. That's not good or bad, just the way it is.
Since men are the hunters, we expect the prey to be hard to catch. When she's not hard to catch, she's seen to be easy. Again, that's what we're taught in society. No matter how much we evolve, some of our traits are and always will be unchanged. Men need certain things and women need others. There are grey areas but for the most part it's true.
Although some women will boast about being liberated, most would not feel good about having many one night stands. I don't know mnay men who would lose sleep over it. Somehow men can separate sex and emotions more easily.
Please don't think I'm painting everyone with the same brush. These are just my observations.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2006): It creates uncertainty. Litterally. You like this guy and yet he has had so many different sexual partners its not only uncertain that you're not just a sex toy but maybe that you aren't as good as some of the others... you see?
You can move on by working on your self esteem and realising that was his mistake not yours. Acknowledge that this is a fact and that you have to becareful but don't make it a daily worry or a big deal. If you really like the guy it shouldn't matter too much.
Good Luck... Update us xx LeilaChick
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