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Why am I so jealous? Why does his past bother me so much?

Tagged as: Dating, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (15 July 2017) 2 Answers - (Newest, 16 July 2017)
A age 41-50, anonymous writes:

Advice needed. I am in a relationship with someone and it's been a couple of months. I don't know why but I get really jealous of his exes, even a woman he just went on dates with I get jealous about. It's ridiculous, I know I can trust him, and I do, so why does his past bother me so much. It's not like he has been bad in his past, he is a real gentleman and says he loves me.How do I stop this destructive behaviour?

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (16 July 2017):

EDIT: "You have to hold unruly and destructive thoughts captive your mind."

Correction: "You have to hold unruly and destructive thoughts captive in your mind."

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (16 July 2017):

Well, what's going on inside you will eventually rise to the surface. You will act-out on your jealousy or misbehave; and that will have consequences. Is this a pattern? Do you get this way with all the men you're romantically involved with?

You're a mature woman, and you should have your feelings and emotions somewhat under control. He's not your property. He is not a possession to be horded-away. He's not new out the box! He's got a little wear and experience. He has aged as a few years. He's not a thing to be hidden away from others.

Everybody has a past, except someone just recently conceived. Even a newborn has a past since the fetal-stage of life. The past doesn't get deleted between partners.

What about yours? Is he the first man you've ever been with in your life? Are you still a virgin? Have you ever fallen in-love before? Have you ever been married? Do you have kids? You're between 41 and 50. You've been around a bit. No insult regarding your age intended here. Just making a point. I'm also over 40! Picked up some wisdom along the way!

Sorry, but we all come with a little mileage when we've lived past the age of 40!

You know, people seem to think there is no such thing as "self-control." We learn that from the time we're toddlers. We have to learn how to avoid tantrums, keep our cool during disagreements, and not yell fire in a crowded theater. You have to discipline yourself to suppress your impulses and regulate your jealous tendencies. You've no right to feel possessive of his very being. He knew other women before he met you. Get a grip, girlfriend! A woman was the first person he met on his way into this world!

Just teasing you!I'm not making fun or making light of your concerns. I take you seriously. You do need to lighten-up!

You have to hold unruly and destructive thoughts captive your mind. Never let them affect your behavior, or taint what you say. We all feel jealousy, when we first become attached to someone we really like. Sometimes we feel uneasy or a little insecure; because we are uncertain of just how much they like us back. We feel threatened when others compete for attention we feel should only be ours. We need time to establish a bond strong enough to form trust.

I guess you will not allow him to have lady-friends. We'll see how long you'll getaway with that!

Retro-jealousy is something that runs a bit deep in some people. That disorder may require counseling and therapy.

If you can't control the jealousy-triggered anger or anxiety; you have to get professional-help.

Lets put it this way. If you want him to continue loving you, you'll have to behave yourself. That should be a good motivator. If there is no trust in a relationship, there is no foundation or nourishment to nurture love.

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