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male
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anonymous
writes: OK, so I've been going out with this girl for a while; like a three or four months, and I think I'm in love with her. But she just dumped me because she said that she wasn't paying enough attention to me and it wasn't fair for me. What is she really saying? Should I try to win her back? If so, how? Thanks a lot guys. I'm really lost on this one. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2005): Bev gives wonderfully wise advice and I am coming in 2nd and agreeing with her. Dear..do not try to win this girl back. You will be setting yourself up for more disappointment and more rejection. Keep your pride intact and carry on without her. Although she wasn't being totally honest with you, she was trying to spare your feelings by saying "she wasn't paying enough attention to you and it wasn't fair for you". She was trying hard to spare you the feelings of rejection that she didn't want to date anymore. This may not seem like a helpful thing to hear when you're still smarting, but you have to intellectually acknowledge that you will eventually take something positive out of the hurt you're feeling now, even if just now you haven't the foggiest notion of what it is, yet.
With a breakup, it's hard to tell yourself that it's for the best. Realize that in time, after you mourn this relationship, that something good will come out of it. That it's better it happened now rather than later down the road when you would have had more time & feelings invested in it. Keep telling yourself until you listen.
Focus on the knowledge that, given time, you'll be able to look back on your experience and take important lessons from it. Life is a tough learning experience and we all have been there! You will survive and before you start dating again, please focus on getting over this girl.
Keep your confidence intact and remember, your presence is a present to the world. You're unique and one of a kind. Your life can be what you want it to be. Take these days just one at a time. Stay strong and keep believing in yourself. You will be happy again! Take care
Hugs,
Irish
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (12 September 2005):
 I'm sorry to tell you that she "just wasn't that into you". Her saying that she wasn't paying you enough attention wasn't meant literally; it was the kindest way she could think of to say, "I'm not really interested in going out any more".
By doing that instead of being direct and honest, she unfairly kept your hopes up that she might decide that she *does* have the time for a relationship, sometime later. From what you write, I don't think she intended to be that optimistic about it, but I'm pretty sure she didn't mean to hurt your feelings, either.
I believe that you should plan on moving on and finding a girl who not only has the time to pay attention to you, but who will go out of her way to do so. In other words, someone who returns your affections.
For what it's worth, you can never "win (someone) back", no matter how hard you try, so I wouldn't waste your time and effort. If a person isn't interested in you, then you just have to accept that it's not on with that person. You could paint yourself with sparkly paint and walk naked on a tightrope playing the bagpipes and it won't win the attention of someone who isn't interested in you, romantically.
You can try to change all the things you do, and all the things you are, just to please someone else, and you'll end up either spending your life *pretending* to be something, or your girlfriend will fall in love with something you're not. Either way, it's not tenable in the long term.
Try not to take this as a personal rejection. This girl just wasn't in love with you.
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