A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:how do you stay in a 3 and one half year relationship with a man that allows his adult children to control him.he will not even get engaged much less get married because they object. he see his kids and their spouses by his self. i am not allowed to go with him because they have said they do not want anything to do with me. they said he can have me but they will not participate. i stay with him but maintain my own place. they stay away from his house since i am here and they have not been to his house since jan. 6th, 2008. the son goes up to his sisters house and this is where they all meet. he does not understand that this upsets me. my family is not dysfunctional like his and they always include him. they always ask him to go along to eat out and even on vacation with them. his children got upset because they overheard a conversation between him and me last year when we were on vacation with them. he broke up with me in july and ever since then they refuse to be with me. we were discussing something about the room in the house that we were given on vacation and as usual they listened in. they are noted for messing in everyones business. they have a lot of issues of their own but i think that they meddle in other peoples business so that they do not have to deal with their own problems. when he leaves to go to see these adult children on sunday afternoon and evening and some other evenings and i am left at his house because i am not allowed to go with him, what should i do. he is so controlled by them and has a real bully for a son-in-law that he has never said this is who i have chosen and this is the way it is going to be. i do not expect him to give his children up but i would like to be included. my children told me that they should decided to not include him in our family functions but my kids were brought up to have respect for their elders and they care about him as a person. they are not cruel and mean like his kids are. i have tried going out to eat by my self when he goes with them but i am always back at his house when he comes home. i have tried eating at his house by my self when he goes, but this does not bother him either. i have though about not fussing when he leaves but to just not be at his house when he gets home. i wonder if i stopped fussing about not being included, would this take the fire and pleasure out of the situation. my guy most be getting something out of the way i act when he leaves without me. please shed some light on what you think i should do.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 June 2008):
 I don't know how I would put up with it. I'd have been long gone, because he's obviously not going to give you the relationship you want, and is not willing to stand up for you with his family. And this has been going on for nearly a year? Hmmm, nothing is going to change with him.
I think as you've been dating for three and a half years, by now the family should realize that you are part of his life. As he is not willing to deal with this issue, and try to change their minds, I think it's unlikely that any amount of not being there when he comes back is going to alter this behavior at all.
Sorry, the awful truth is that you have the relationship he's prepared to have with you. You have to decide if it is worth being shunned by his family to be with this man. We can't make up your mind for you.
But if it were me, I'd be long gone. Life is too short.
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (4 June 2008):
Well his kids are not going to change because they don't have to. He is not going to change because he's scared to upset his kids (Possibly guilt for screwing them up in the first place.) and he knows you will be there when he gets home.
So you can either stay with him and put up with this, or you can tell him you are leaving. If you stay and put up with it, start taking classes / joining clubs and talk about how glad you are that you get time to yourself and your hobbies and this might stop the kids from being so keen on making sure you can't come.
If you leave then it might make your man realise that you won't wait forever when you can find a man who will give you marriage and everything else. He might start standing up to his kids a bit more. If he doesn't then you are better off out anyway.
Good Luck!! xx
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