A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:what's the best way I can get help please? ideally free. it has nearly been 5 years now since me and an ex split up, basically I took advantage of her also was scared of growing up,so. basically she got another dude,we stayed in contact over a year where she lied to me a lot. heck we still use to email each other until last year.basically no girl I meet or am able to meet holds a patch on her, and well Its holding me back gettin me down. I've. had one gf and ended it as I didn't like her as much. but its gettin worse now, sometimes if something sexual comes up, I instantly imagine my ex having sex with another chap ,doing things that we didn't do and I just have to try to think about something. else right away.I'm tryin to come out of my comfort zone and go out more but it feels void and pointless like I'm not going to achieve anything.I feel arkward talkin to other girls at times.I seen my ex about a month ago,she was her usual happy self. I think seeing her has made me worse. I'm not sayin I wanna get back with her, I know it wouldn't work plus I don't wanna know how many dudes she has been with since. I just don't want to think for the rest of my life I missed out on something special. thanks for the help if anyone can.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys, I'm not in contact with her any more, just bumped into her, I did try to avoid her but she drove in front of me. I don't know just triggered off stuff I guess.
I don't know ,its something I regret loosing I guess . I felt lucky. Cheers again
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2013): Most areas of the UK offer free counselling (for 6 weeks usually). In some instances you can self-refer but if not your GP should be able to point you in the right direction. There will probably be a waiting list however.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2013): Your problem is you won't allow yourself to detach from your ex; because you stay in touch and spend a lot of your waking moments worrying about her business. You can't mind your own business; because you won't let go of her, or the past.You should have ended absolutely all contact with your ex in order to get on with your life. You also have to forgive yourself for the ways you may have hurt her. Five years is a long time to hold on; but most of it is because you kept trying to stay in her life. You probably stalk her on Facebook to keep up with what she is doing, and who she is with.Your obsession with your ex is mainly stemming from your regret and guilt for your actions that were when you were five years younger. You know better now; because you're five years older. You have gone from a foolish boy to manhood. You've learned from your mistakes, and now wish you could go back and rewrite the past. That will never happen.My friend, time goes forward not backward. Time only stopped in your mind. You kept your foot in the door to make sure your ex never closed it. So you punish yourself by not allowing yourself any closure, or freedom from your past. You don't want her to forget you. That will not stop the fact that she has moved on. Life goes on.Moving on is a conscious effort. You are still clinging to the hope that someday she'll take you back. That some miracle in the universe is going to put you back together. You think that would make you feel better. What would make you feel better, is letting go and moving on.You are both five years older, different people from when you were both just teens; and she definitely has no intention of taking you back. I will leave it to the aunts in the UK to suggest where you might find free counseling. They are more familiar with mental-health services and associated programs offered in your country. The problem with free is that there is always a long line or a waiting list. So stay proactive by reading publications on the subject of dealing with depression, and getting on after a breakup.Also go online in the meantime, and see if you can find support groups for people dealing with difficulty in moving on after a breakup. There is an abundance of articles published by accredited and licensed psychologists and clinical psychiatrists that deal with "depression" and "grief." The two most difficult emotions to overcome after a breakup. Recovery is usually delayed for people who won't leave their exes alone. They try to maintain friendships, or be friends with benefits. Hanging on to even a thread of contact; which only feeds into the wishful thinking and hoping they'll get their exes back. They are stubborn, and even therapists can't get through to them; because they refuse to give up.Therapists can't wave a magic wand and make your pain go away.They will try and see what's buried deep in your subconscious mind what fuels obsession, and can help determine the reason you may have a persistent fixation on another individual. It's a form of addiction. People actually do get addicted to other people. A breakup actually causes a chemical process in the brain. Detachment from a person causes withdrawal; just like an addictive narcotic.Until you find counseling, leave her alone. Stop checking Facebook. Get rid of all the stuff you're keeping as souvenirs that remind you of her. Stay distracted. Talk to your closest friends, find a hobby; and if you have any religious affiliations, see a minister, priest, or rabbi.They also do counseling, and can offer referrals to available programs and support groups. They can also offer you support and comfort.I wrote some articles you can read in the meantime. It will give you a little comfort and maybe help you think.Good luck in your search and recovery!
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