A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi there, basically i'm in desperate need for some impartial advice as i am literally going out of my mind here. it's hard to take your own advice, so i need someone else to give me some, please.Me and my ex were together for over a year and a half, we'd been on/off a few times (all her choice, we worked through it, it's all fine). Then for a while i'd been unhappy, i felt like she'd changed, she didn't show me affection like she used to, i didn't feel like i was in a relationship. Then we had an argument, she told me to die and i broke up with her because i wasn't prepared to put up with it along with other things.I didn't break up with her because i didn't want to be with her anymore, i broke up with her because i was so upset i couldn't take it, i felt like there was no mutual respect as she has said things to me i would never say to her. we ignored each other for days.Fast forward a month later, we're speaking, she still tells me she misses me and loves me and she's sending me mixed signals. although when i try to talk to her about the relationship she just tells me that she wants me to be happy and she was very unhappy in our relationship and doesn't want to go back to that. it wasn't all unhappy, there were times when i was unhappy too, but overall i'm so much happier with her than without her. her telling me this made me want to forget her altogether and just try to get over her, but that's easier said than done especially when she's telling me she still loves and misses me. she had a go at me many times for breaking up with her, and when i look back i regret it, but only because i never thought it would turn out like this. she told me if i ever broke up with her she'd fight for me, and now she isn't.she has basically said to me that half of her wants to get back together with me, but another half of her doesn't want to yet because she wants to try other people (men, understandable, i do too.. but since all this i care about her far more than ever trying things with other people) this made me feel very hurt. i feel like everything is on her terms, that i'm just waiting for her to make her mind up before i can do anything. she said she'd rather break up now than a year down the line before we try things. this is so upsetting for me.i am just at the point now where i don't know what to do with myself about it, i'm crying all the time, i can't eat or sleep properly anymore and it's breaking my heart more and more each day. PLEASE give me some advice people, i'm desperate.
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female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (6 December 2011):
 I think she's wanted out of the relationship for a while and either she didn't know how to tell you, or she just didn't realize it until now. Sometimes the hurtful things people say and do when they're in a relationship with someone, is like an underlying message they don't have the nerve to come out and say to your face, so they subconsciously sabotage the relationship by doing or saying really harmful things. Then when you've had it, and you pull the plug on their relationship, but they're secretly relieved because they wanted out, that's why they were acting like an arse, they just didn't have the guts or the ability to tell you. Sure they miss you in a way; because you were a "habit" for them, and losing a habit is always hard even if it wasn't a habit you really wanted anymore. You on the other hand are kicking yourself for breaking up with her, thinking if you would've left things alone she'd still be with you. Well maybe, but she'd still be treating you like shit and is that what you really want? The fact that she's now saying she wants to wait a year, is a nice way of letting you down slowly. Don't try anymore to get her back. You got the point where you were sick of the way she was treating you; there's no going backwards. She needed out for whatever reason. You must move on at this point. In time you'll realize just how wrong she was for you. Give yourself time to heal. I think the break up was inevitable.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (5 December 2011):
 You two wasn't a match and the sooner you realize that and accept it, the sooner you can heal. I would suggest you keep the contact to a minimum with her though, the more you keep in touch the longer it will take to heal.
It wasn't a mistake to break up - she treated you like crap - you manned up and broke up with her.
I'm sure she has many good qualities, but when the two of you are together you seem to bring out the worst in each other - or at least in her.
So she wasn't Ms Right, but Ms Right-now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2011): My advice would be to get over her. I know it`s hard, you obviously cared about her very much. But from an unbiased point of view your relationship with her seems messy. No one deserves being with just half a person, and her heart is not all the way in it like yours is. A part of a working healthy relationship is equality and trust. It`s not equal if she can`t get over the fact that you broke up with her, without even acknowledging the reason why. If she wants to try other people, or thinks of your relationship as being a time for her when she was unhappy, then let her go. She can`t figure out what is more important, you, or what she could be having in your place. Your feelings, or hers, where both should matter. She needs more time out of relationships to figure herself out, and she needs to grow up, she sounds like she`s rather childish and slightly manipulative in all honesty. And it sounds like she is not willing to put in the same effort you would be willing to put in to make things work out. To try and get back together with her could cause you more pain again with this girl. Also, just throwing this out there, I would NEVER tell someone I didn`t like, let alone someone who I was supposed to be in love with, to go die. And I know a lot of people who wouldn`t either. That being said, you broke up with her for a good reason, regardless of not wanting to, and that takes a strong person with self respect, a rarity now a days, to do. You don`t deserve to be treated like that. And though you say you`ve deal with her wanting breaks, there is something not right there if she needs them. She`s telling you how she loves and misses you obviously isn`t very sincere if she can`t let go of making you feel guilty and wants to be with other people.I know you are hurting pretty badly, it`s the worst feeling in the world to have your heart broken, but these things do get better. I would stay away from this girl, she sounds toxic.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2011): Please seek counselling ASAP. To rule out any disorders i.e. bi polarism, borderline personality disorder.
Also, address why you would be attracted to someone that is emotionally abusive and why you would tolerate such poor behaviour?
A healthy person doesn't put up with abuse. Period. They have healthy boundaries, expectations, and KNOW how to be treated and vocalize their needs. And after all that, if the person isn't to their standards, the person is cut out.
That is the best short term and long term solution to any of your concerns that have everything to do with your life from this moment henceforth.
She isn't good to you let alone good for you. Your abandonment triggers are going mad and thus your non stop crying. She represented the absent parent(s) and so it hurts 10x more than it should.
Get some support TODAY! Hang in there.
*hugs*
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