A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 5 years, we live together and he tells me we are going to be together, we've talked about marriage and tells me I'm beautiful, although I don't feel that way! I just found out that he has been lying to me about looking at porn. I feel so terrible about myself and want to know what is so wrong with me and my body!? What is the purpose of looking at other woman naked if you are supposedly satisfied with the one you have in your own home?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2009): Maybe I read you wrong, but it seems to me it's more of an issue with your self-image/self-esteem than with porn...? Are you looking "outward" as a way of avoiding some anxiety inside you? Nobody/nothing can MAKE you feel bad about yourself unless you already do! So something is going on with you, I think, and the porn is just an obvious outlet for whatever you're feeling inside...
The fact that he lied about it just shows that he's a guy! I doubt VERY much whether it has anything to do with you because, as you said, he tells you you're beautiful, right? I would think very carefully about why you don't "feel beautiful"...Once you answer that question, then I think your BF's porn viewing won't seem like such a mystery.
You asked: "What is the purpose of looking at other woman naked if you are supposedly satisfied with the one you have in your own home?"
Well, I think there's something more here: "supposedly satisfied"...? Sounds, to me, like you are already having doubts about your BF's feelings for you...if so....why is that? You said he tells you you're beautiful, is that all, or does he also say things that make you doubt how he feels about you?
I really don't think porn is the key issue here...
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (4 November 2009):
 This question comes up a lot on this site so you should have a read around the topic and look at some of the other answers as they may able to help you. This is what I say every time this question comes up:
Read this - http://www.cosmopolitan.co.uk/men/why-do-men-watch-porn/v1
That should give you some initial (if basic) insight into why men watch porn.
All men watch porn to some varying degree - some watch it a lot and others go through phases, some only watch it very infrequently. But at the end of the day I think you will struggle to find a man that does not watch porn - pretty much every man on this earth will watch it at some point in their lives.
Now men and women are pretty different in the way their brains behave towards sex. Women have a more emotional connection and they dont need as much visual stimulation as men to get turned on. Whereas men dont have a real emotional connection to sex - it is purely physical and about "getting off". The male sex drive is also much higher than that of a woman, so in your boyfriends case he may watch porn purely because he needs that sexual release a few times a day and you just cannot give him that!
Watching porn is in no way a reflection on his feelings for you - I am sure he loves you, thinks you are gorgeous and loves having sex with you. If given the choice between having sex with you and having sex with a porn-star - he would pick you. These women in porn are fantasy, nothing more. They are an expression of his sexual fantasies and desires, he is basically watching something that turns him on and gives him a sexual release. Just as women might fantasise about George Clooney whilst masturbating, men just watch porn!
I know it is quite hard to understand and from the outsider's perspective, porn looks a bit dirty and seedy, and the women's bodies are all incredible so it is easy for a woman to think "why is he looking at these women when he has me - I dont look like that so is he not attracted to me? Why does he need porn when he has me to have sex with whenever he wants?" I really do get it that you can feel this way but the reality is he is not particularly looking at the women's bodies, it is more the sexual acts taking place. Yes it helps that they are attractive but men are well aware that these images and videos they see are enhanced and airbrushed, it all just adds to this sense of fantasy. He is not looking at that woman thinking "I want sex with her" when he is watching porn, his thoughts will be more along the lines of yes she is attractive but the main turn-on is what that guy is doing to her. He probably thinks while watching it "oh I would love to do that to my girlfriend".
While you may never feel fully comfortable with your boyfriend watching porn, I think you just need to accept that it is part of most men's lives and if you try and stop them, they will just lie about it to you which is worse. Just try to ignore it really - dont think about it. As long as your boyfriend is not watching it every single day to the point of obsession (that is not healthy) and he doesnt watch it when you are there, then it is doing you no harm. I never normally advocate sticking your head in the sand but in this case, just pushing this to the back of your mind and not worrying about it anymore will be the best way to deal with it!
You shouldnt be threatened or upset by porn - it is purely an expression of sexuality used by men to escape into a little fantasy world and "get-off" quickly and easily. It in no way impacts on you and his feelings for you, it is entirely seperate. It is just the same as women having fantasies about male celebrities or using a vibrator to achieve an orgasm - men just need the visual stimulation to achieve the orgasm.
I hope this gives you more of an idea about why men watch porn, and I hope that you can come to terms with it and be ok with it. You dont ever have to approve of it - just know that it makes no difference to your relationship if he watches it and that his feelings for you are in no way affected by watching it. Accepting it will mean that your relationship will be stronger and you will not fight so much over silly issues like this. And you might find that if you are ok with it, the whole "forbidden" element behind it will go away so when he knows you dont care any more, it might not be so exciting to him and he might watch it less!
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2009): You are not alone in struggling to understand the attraction to porn. The only way I can explain it is that it's not something that is in competition with you.(Yes, some guys do neglect their GFs in favor of porn. But some guys also neglect their GFs in favor of drugs or video games too. There is a difference between enjoying soemthing and being addicted to it.)For women, what is the purpose of watching romantic comedies or paying attention to their friends BF gossip? If they are supposedly committed and satisfied with their current man, they why do they need to draw satisfaction from thoughts about any other guys and situations?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2009): I think what she's trying to say is that she doesn't feel like she can be that pornographer in those magazines.
The ones in the magazine can help strengthen your relationship through a series of questions. Make your questions approachable. Because going up to opposite sex that he/she is attracted to may be difficult as answering your questions.
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A
female
reader, Multiple Orgasms  +, writes (4 November 2009):
Do you have an issue with porn? Pornography was not his girlfriend before you. Describe you're body. And after putting it in words... how does it make you feel? I know some crazy people, and sometimes you just got to lie to make yourself feel better.
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