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What is my girlfriend hiding? And why is she getting so many text messages?

Tagged as: Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (22 August 2005) 8 Answers - (Newest, 8 October 2007)
A male , *onewolfman writes:

I am really looking for some advice as I have spoken to close friends about this situation but I am getting mixed responses.

Here Goes: I have been with my girlfriend for four years. We met in Edinburgh once and started to chat online and phone. She lived in Surrey but was made redundant and was in a sticky situation living with an ex partner in rented accommodation in separate rooms. I suggested at the time as she was really stressed out that maybe she should move in with me as we were both really smitten with each other. So she did and things have been great.

She has been living with me for three and a half years now and I have to say that we are close we always say I love you and cuddle often and make each other laugh. She has not had it easy in her career she has found it really difficult to find a good job and if she does she normally gets her p45 after 5 or 6 months and never knows the reason why.

Sorry to go on but more info can make this more understanding I hope.

Anyway about two and a half years ago I stumbled across some emails and very flirty messages with some guy and I was really shocked and unsettled about it so I confronted her and she got really nervous and worried herself and she told me it was nothing for me to worry about and that it was just some harmless fun which I accept as everyone does it and flirty banter is ok for me. And things seemed to be ok until now she as worked part time over the last year and a half as a teacher and seemed to enjoy it but has started a full time position doing something she enjoys which I am happy about as she has had it rough on the career front for a while.

Over the last two months things have got very unusual we don’t have sex very often maybe two three times a month we still say we love each other and cuddle and kiss but she has decided she wants to move out and have her own space for a while which came as a total shock to me and I only found out as I knew something was bothering her so I asked her to talk to me (I have always been open and will always talk about things) as she is not always open and finds it difficult to talk to me.

I did find one evening after she had gone to bed that her mobile kept getting text messages and someone she used to work with sends her flirty texts but I found messages that she sent to her friend that she implied that she nearly wanted to leave me and she seems to find having my family coming around all the time a real problem to deal with. I did confront her about what I had found and told her I was not prying it was that I heard the phone and because of what I saw I wanted to find more messages.

After this I have noticed that she is very secretive with her mobile and always keep it with her and never leave it switched on if I am about, and she still seems to get quite a lot of text messages. She also has been going out with a female friend recently which I think is good for her but one time she strolled in at 4am in the morning which is totally out of character as she normally wants to be back about 12am if she is with me. (we have fun when we are out together)

I really want some advice as I am finding this really hard to deal with and I think she is either hiding something or she thinks I have trust issues with her. I don’t but all these signs are telling me something else. Please Help!!!!

Many Thanks

View related questions: flirt, I love you, text

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2007):

Yep had the same thing after being with my GF for 5 years Sounds like she is immature and needs to understand that relationships go through different stages. You sound like a really nice person, go find someone who wants the same as you and can take the rough with the smooth. Easier said than done I know.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2007):

It depends on the kind of person you are. Are you happy for her to flirt with guys like this? If not then you have the ability to accept or reject.

Trust is central to a relationship I think. If you think that her behaviour has breached that trust then again you can accept or reject.

Be careful with your own behaviour. She could interpret you looking at her text messages as a breach of trust, unless you have always looked at each others text messages and emails etc

To be frank, in my opinion it is not looking good. My advice would be to compile everything that you are worried about and anything you reject and confront her with it. If she will not change a behaviour such as flirting and its something you reject then end the relationship.

Personally I would find that level of flirting a betrayal and end it, but that is just me. I mean smiling at someone at work who is cute is harmless flirting and I would be ok with that. But flirty texts would not be ok with me. Are they with you?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2006):

Hey there, sorry to tell you this but it's the end of your relationship with her....i think. I think that you might find that she's bored. I've just broken up with my boyfriend of 8 months, before that a boyfriend of 6 years. My first partner of 6 years, well, life got boring at home, we never did anything and it wasn't much fun anymore, so i made plans with my mates to go out and were interested in me when i was out, so took advantage of that fact and sent them flirty messages, but being the person i am, i never did anything other than flirt whilst in the relationship. I found myself moving to another country to get out of the relationship. Then my last relationship of 8 months, again the same thing, boring at home (he has a kid - which is hard) and no fun times. So i started hooking up with my mates again and am having an awesome awesome time, partying and having fun. I haven't contacted him or answered his calls over the last week and a day, which is when i broke up with him. 3 days after i broke up with him, i was already being asked another guy i had just met on the Friday. So mate, get out there and have some fun too.....she's obviously having fun!!! Hope this helped

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2006):

"If there is any doubt, there is no doubt." You will have to be straight up and confront her. In my situation several months back, I would not allow myself to invade her privacy, so I asked her about some rumors that were flying around. The confession was quick.

Your health, emotional and physical, is more important than being "polite." If you suspected this one month in, you should have addressed it then. Do it now when you're only a few years in, before you get in too deep. Double standards do not work in a relationship.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2006):

i am in the same situation mate, i have not got a clue what is going on my girlfreind sends and recieves lots of secret texts and talks about other blokes with her freind on her mobile (picture messages included) and says how sickening it is that she is not with them, this is only what i know so i dread to think what happens when im not there

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A reader, madam treudeau +, writes (23 August 2005):

i think you should dust your own closet first. then confront her. you sound like you may have more issues than your said girlfriend, just the thought of you invadind her privacy is enough to turn me against you, how do ypu want her to trust you when you can not keep out of her things. if i were her i would have brought up on charges for criminal trespassing and vandallism. breaking her heart and trodding on it.if you want to save face and not do any further harm to a rather deep wound you should fess up and really soon you can say you still love her, but do you really or is it that new girl at work that really has your eyes watching her like your current prob that has arose.

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A female reader, Anastasia Trinidad and Tobago +, writes (22 August 2005):

Anastasia agony auntFollow your intuition hun. The best advice I can give is to talk to her about it...tell her all the strange things you have noticed and listen. You know her better than all of the auntie's here. I suggest that you really talk to her and get to the bottom of this. To me as well it sounds like she is hiding something or being shady about somethign. If it is you find out that she has another interest then you need to take care of yourself okay. Good Luck...ana

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A female reader, nicky22 +, writes (22 August 2005):

i think that you should trust you instinnt [sorry about the spelling]if you think that there is something going on then there probably is. i had a similar situation myself it really is heart breaking. ithink you need to sit her down and tell her that you want an explanation she owes you that much at least. and tell her you are not happy with what has been going on and just try and get her to talk to you

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