A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I could use some advice on how to resolve a problem that I have created in my relationship with my boyfriend. You see, he and I have been together for almost 3 years. For 2.5 of them, we have lived together because in order for us to continue the relationship, it was necessary for me to re-locate.I have trust/insecurity issues, some of them from a previous long time relationship with my ex who cheated on me. It wasn't the cheating so much, as the lying, hiding and sneaking that bothered me. I don't know if I could have forgiven the cheating but I do know that I couldn't get past him lying and sneaking around about it. I explained everything to my current boyfriend prior to us getting together. I told him that I was still fragile and insecure and that I had issues but that I wanted to work through them so that they wouldn't effect us.I couldn't help being insecure, realistically, but I thought as long as I was open, honest and not freaking out and accusing him of anything and if I tried to come up with solutions in which would give me security and he could still do the things he wanted to do, that would be the best way to handle the issue.In the beginging, he had a lot of female friends. I had started off as one of them. That didn't bother me. The thing that bothered me was when he was chatting with one of his female friends and he was telling me what they were saying, just in normal conversation, her replies sounded a bit strange. Like someone who was interested in the person she was talking to. A bit flirty, overly cheerful, a little too interested.I mentioned that I thought she had feelings for him and he said no he didn't think so. We left it at that. A month or so later, again, same thing, and I asked, "Are you sure she isn't interested in you?" He then said, "Well, she told me a few months ago that she was in love with me, I told her that I wasn't interested in her that way."Considering that I had made a major move, ie, no friends or family, and the relationship was still new, I told him that it made me uncomfortable knowing he was chatting with someone who had feelings for him. I told him that I had no problems with him chatting with her, but could he just tell me when he did so that I didn't wonder or worry? I explained that if I felt like it was out in the open, it would make me not feel insecure.His reaction to that was to stop talking to all his female friends.I never meant for that to happen and I feel so terrible. I just wanted to talk about it, find a solution that would make me feel okay and that would make it so he could talk to whomever he wanted to.Lately, it has become he now doesn't want to talk to anyone, because his Mom called me one night to discuss an arguement that my boyfriend and I had. One that I didn't know she knew about. So after I talked to her, I spoke to my boyfriend and asked him if he wouldn't mind telling me if he tells his Mom something like that, so if she calls me again, I am not feeling ambushed. I never said he had to, just asked if he wouldn't mind telling me. I made another mistake in feeling bad last week because he had called his father when he was on his way home and decided to tell his Dad some personal things about me that I didn't want anyone really to know.I didn't get mad or yell. I just felt vulnerable and exposed. I told him that he didn't do anything wrong, that he should not have to worry about what he tells people. However, the end result is that he no longer wants to talk to anyone at all and I don't know how to fix this. I can't help how I feel, I can only control what I do about it. If I don't say anything, and he knows I am upset some how, that makes it worse.If I say anything, this happens. I want him to have his friends and his family. Any advice on what I can do to make this situation better? Additionally any advice on what I should and shouldn't tell then? There are things I don't mind sharing with him but I don't want to share with his whole familly.
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cheated on me, flirt, insecure, my ex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2011): I may be wrong but this also sounds a little passive aggressive on his part. You know like when someone does want you ask them to do but they go to such an extreme that a simple request becomes distorted beyond recognition.
Watch out that there isn't any underlying resentment going on with him towards you.
A
male
reader, kirsch  +, writes (23 February 2011):
 I have been cheated on too and I have done similar things to my wife. The conclusion I came to is this, knowing when they're talking and what about doesn't actually make you feel any better, the feelings of distrust get stronger and you get more insecure as time goes on. Best solution is to not feed the fire. It's not easy to do to just look the other way and trust that nothing is going on but that's the voice you have to learn to ignore or you'll go crazy and the relationship won't be able to develop to it's full potential. That voice is called "jealousy" and it's a wicked wicked emotion. It may sound strange but you gotta fake it until you make it. Ignore the voice and keep telling yourself that you're being silly, that there's no reason not to trust him, that you love him. Eventually your voice of reason will override your voice of jealousy and bada-bing bada-boom, you're a new woman... one that didn't allow her cheating ex to win.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (23 February 2011):
 The only thing you can do here hunny is to sit down with him and talk to him. Tell him you are worried about him because he is shutting everyone out. Explain to him that you just want to be open and honest with him and that you want him to be the same with you. Explain to him that he should keep talking to his female friends as its not what you wanted. Just explain as long as he is open and honest with you then thats all that matters to you.
As for his family. Well he probably didnt mean any harm he probably just needed someone to talk to and thats who he turned to. Again explain to him that you understand he needs to talk to his family, but just ask him would he mind if he kept somethings to himself if they are personal to you. Explain to him the things that you dont want people to know so that he knows not to tell them.
Just encourage him to keep talking to his family and friends am afraid thats all you can do now. Goodluck Sweetie.
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