A
female
age
36-40,
*ellybeans20009
writes:My ex boyfriend broke up with me three days ago. This was my first break up and my first relationship. And while it lasted only two months, he was my first kiss and I did lose my virginity to him. Everything happened to fast and it was too rushed. This is his first relationship since he was 13 and we're both 22. On our second date he told me he couldn't stop thinking about me and wanted to take care of me, and told me I wouldn't have to be lonely anymore. Because he was so intense it put me off and I tried to shake him out of it. I wrote him a letter explaining all the things I think we needed to work on. He was extremely hurt and offended because he misread it as I wanted to break up with him.We talked it out and I thought things were going to be perfect from then on so I slept with him. Afterwards, on the second month, he changed. From loving to wanting to see me as much as possible, talking to me became a chore, he was extremely annoyed with me, and he was being really distant. I asked him about it and he said he was just comfortable with the relationship now that's all. I panicked but not wanting to seem even more extreme than I already was presenting myself, I let him have his space. We only saw each other once a week and usually we had sex. Towards the end of the month I confronted him about it finally and we had another talk. He said that he almost wanted to break it off with me but didn't feel like it was quite over yet. He said that he cared about me and liked me but didn't want to hurt me. And seemed like he wanted to break up with me right then and there. But I told him that he didn't know me at all and I felt like he didn't give us a chance. So we agreed to another month of seeing each other to see how things went.After having found out he was intentionally being distant, I got extremely angry and wanted to break up with him anyways but decided to give it one last shot. However, he broke one of my last straws when he cancelled a dinner date with friends because he was hungover. I felt like I needed to break up with him no matter what, but decided that I needed to give it all that I got and instead wanted to talk it out with him instead. Almost immediately when I called him, he told me he wanted to break up with me and that he thought a lot about it. That he lost feelings for me and he partially blamed me for being too confrontational. He said that when I did that it "makes people feel bad". He kept apologizing afterwards as well and I asked him why and he said it was because he lost feelings and I didn't. After we broke up I went through the usual mood swings, but what I don't understand is why I feel so devastated...more so than I thought I would. Is it because being dumped is a whole lot different than being the dumper? But after the breakup I have flashbacks of the good times we did have and how much I will miss him. And I only think thank god I didn't love him or else it would have been too painful to bear. It confuses me to think that one person could feel so strongly about someone and then feel absolutely nothing the next. I have a suspicion that he is an immature guy who doesn't know what he wants. So there is a high chance that he is wrong. But I don't know if i'm right or i'm just one of those people who fantasies that their ex will come back to them after realizing that they were wrong.How much of a chance do I have? What is the possibility that he'll realize he lost something good? I have not abused him. I gave him all the space he wanted. I am nice to him. And yet he felt like I was being selfish, always talking about myself and that I was annoying. But in reality I was who I was from day 1. I wasn't done with him yet. I don't get why he couldn't tough it out through the slightest bit of rough waters. Or could the reality be that he simply doesn't care anymore?Does that mean he will never miss me? And that he will never even think of wanting me back?
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (6 August 2010):
Well, you've been through your first break up, and it's not been nice. They never are. And it's always worse being dumped than it is being the dumper. Always.
Will he come back? No he won't. I suspect he got everything he wanted out of this relationship, and that was the sex. All the signs are there that you were more of a casual FWB to him than a real girlfriend. The moment you started having sex, he started pulling away.
Yes, he's immature. But that won't mean he will suddenly grow up and come back. I am sorry to say that you are one of those women who is fantasizing about the ex coming back, even though he was basically an ass who used you.
Look at what this guy did. Within two months, you claim you were madly in love, and he was with you. You'd had sex. Then, suddenly, he started to pull away. Then he started to blame you. During this time, the sex continued. Then you pulled right away so he could think. Yet there he was, once a week for the sex. Then finally you got mad and he again blamed you.
You were treated like dirt. He treated you so badly. And you're sitting there making the big mistake so many other women do. You think he will change, come back and be a knight in armour, all perfect and apologetic. He won't. He was bad when you met him, when he'd had the sex he became worse. He will never change. This is the guy he is. A user and abuser. He got what he wanted from you and has now cleared off. You must never see this man again.
A
female
reader, misspurple +, writes (6 August 2010):
I'm kind of in the same predicament as you and the advice i was given was to let go. You may keep looking back on what you had with him and be upset but you can still move on eventually.. I am now great friends with the guy i lost my virginity to so it shows how things can work out :)
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