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We've been friends with benefits for almost 5 years. How do I take this further?

Tagged as: Dating, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 December 2011) 12 Answers - (Newest, 15 December 2011)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Ok! Here it goes!!! I have known this guy for almost 5 years. We met at my old apartments and I guess you can say it was always a friends with benifits. For a few years I would try and get a relationship to only fail and it would end up in a fight and we wouldnt speak for months this was always how it was. About a few months ago we started getting along and the fighting stopped he would talk to me every day about pretty much anything and at this point I pretty much gave up on it ever becoming anything. He's still around and I dont understand why. No matter what I say or do he still talks to me now and tries to work things out. Today was a little different I was annoyed and I told him and words were exchanged and got pretty ugly. I later apologized for my side of things he went on to say he doesnt want a relationship I called him on it and told him to stop with the bs and its not that he doesnt its just me he doesnt want a relationship with. To me it is weird to have a f buddy relationship for almost 5 years and regardless we still talk to each other. I have read everything I can to try and figure it out or find out what to do? No matter what we still talk to each other. It would be weird if he blew me off or ignored me but he doesnt. He still talks to me every day and responds right away when I text even random things. My question is how do I take this farther, or find out because he says one thing but acts like he does care and for almost 5 years you dont just stay around for booty and still put up with each other. What does everyone else think or can shed some light. If you need more info please ask?

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A female reader, Dorothy Dix Australia +, writes (15 December 2011):

Hi. Who knows, you and him might eventually become an item and get married.

It might not be for a while yet, but yes it's possible.

Just make sure that you don't take any crap from him, from now on.

Stick up for what you believe in - always.

And yes, do what you do by telling him when he is acting inappropriately - he needs to be corrected there.

He will respect you more when he knows you won't take any nonsense from him.

Expect only the best and accept nothing less.

No exceptions.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Havent wasted anything didnt have him around for 5 years every day.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2011):

You need to be honest with yourself about your feelings and about what you want here. It's clear to me from what you say now that you are deeply attached to this man and he does not feel the same. You are upset if he talks about other women, you gave him an expensive item, and you obsess over him, you're asking psychics about him.

Meanwhile he is talking about other women: he doesn't see you as a future and he never will most likely and even if he does at some point, do you really want someone who treated you as a f*** buddy???? Btw did you cheat on your bf with him?

Find someone who really respects you and your feelings. A relationship shouldn't be a competition to see who likes who less. You've already wasted 5 years on some sort of hope of a relationship with this man without ever having a real relationship with him. It's unrequited love. Do you want to go another 5 years this way? Good luck.

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A female reader, Miamine United Kingdom +, writes (14 December 2011):

Miamine agony auntWhat's the problem with you just asking him straight out, if he wants to do the boyfriend/girlfriend thing.. no one else just you two, dating for a while without sex.

I can see your sensitive about the whole thing, you think that people will say FWB's are wrong, and it's all about a man using you. But it's not. You two are friendly, that's the friend bit, the sex on the side is the extra benefit.

But it's been so long, usually FWB's are short time things, while you clear your head and figure out what you want. Or your too busy to get involved properly with a guy. 5years is a long time, so yes your friends, and asking him out on a proper date shouldn't change things.

To tell the truth, from your post, I'm confused myself about what it is you want. Are you having romantic feelings, or are you worried about if he respects you. If I'm confused, then I can just imagine he must be confused as well. What happens if he becomes your boyfriend, will it spoil things, is that what you want from him... Work out exactly how you feel and what you want, and then you'll be able to explain it to him. If you have time, please come back and explain it to me as well.

You've made a big thing about this being sex and friendship, and you looking for him to respect you and not take you for granted... it's just the loving bit I don't see, that's why I want to know what your getting out of this and why you stay sexually involved.

PS: You say his your friend, so you helped him out with money. Would you feel uncomfortable if he was a woman friend and you decided to help in the same way. Nothing wrong with FWB or helping a friend out. As long as your clear about gifts or loans, sex, love or friendship then things should become clear.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I would like to say thank you for being an adult and not giving a rude answe. I get mad at a few things... the recent fight I will use as an example. I recentlly came into some money and he didnt know not one to get used or allow any morons to try, so for a few weeks he was talking to me about how excited he was that he got a new job but he said it sucked cause he didnt have the right computer and he didnt know how it was going to go. He has a mac but they needed a windows operating system for their programs. After listening i was joking around with him and it being thanksgiving i asked him if he really needed one. He said yes and I ended up helping him out and getting him one. I realize that may have been dumb but thats how i was raised now granted i am not that girl I dont give money to anyone for attention, or anything period so he didnt use me it was my idea. When he came to get the money we were sitting down talking and he started talking about another girl how he didnt want her because he didnt want to ruin her life. I was furious not about the other girl we are not together so he can do what he wants was the fact he said it period. When i confronted him i told him that when someone wants to help you dont talk about other girls makes you look like an ass. He sent a text back saying i was right and he apologized saying it wasnt like that hes just too honest for his own good. Since i have known him he never talked about girls so it was strange. Your right i have thought about why he is still around hinz this post lol. I really have no clue i am just really confused. He has been hurt she cheated on him he isnt one to rush period. I am continuing to not have sex with him your right if i do it will stay the same men treat you how you allow them too. I havent spoken to him in a few days we had a fight and made up but i am leaving him alone. It is equal now he gives now and doesnt just take. I dont what will happen with us but no matter what the either one says we still talk. I admit it i talked tp a pyschic and that was weird lol she said that its became a competion with us that we compet who likes who less i laughed. I didnt give her any info to test her and she proved herself. I did laugh cause she said we will get married and i dont know if i belive that but was great entertainment.

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A female reader, Dorothy Dix Australia +, writes (11 December 2011):

Hi. That's good news you are not having sex anymore, so it's now evolved into friendship.

Something you need to do now is, to consider how well you think you get along with each other, plus how much you actually have in common.

A new challenge you now face is, whether it can develop from being friends, to boyfriend and girlfriend status.

This can be a difficult transition, as you have been friends for so long - 5 years - so it's possible that he sees you as almost like another family member - almost like a sister (now that the sex has stopped).

Sometimes when 2 people have been friends for so long (sex or no sex), it becomes a whole different ball game to try and change it.

When you are just friends, your emotions aren't really involved nearly so much. And not really involved in the same way as a couple's emotions would be.

You say that when you get mad at him for something, then he apologises to you and it's all ok again for a while.

So it goes smoothly then there's a flare-up when it all starts to get to you. It must be very frustrating to you at times.

When you say "you get mad", what is it that makes you mad?

Is it the fact he won't commit to a relationship with you?

Is that mostly it?

I can understand why you would feel angry - especially after 5 years of wondering where it's all going.

He probably realizes this as well.

Because you say that sex hasn't been happening between you for about 3 months, and he still hangs around, there must be some reason he stays around you, mustn't there?

Have you thought about that?

Although you had the FWB thing happening for a long time, perhaps he would like a proper relationship with you, but is scared of getting hurt.

Being hurt in the past, could certainly make him very wary of relationships in future.

Maybe he is just being cautious.

And if that is the case, well then it's going to come down to trust before he will become vulnerable enough to involve his whole heart with anyone again. Sometimes it can take many years!

It also depends on what you want from him.

For anything to happen between you now, you both have to want the same thing.

The stopping of sex with him, is a very wise move. It's a good beginning, so don't change your mind and start being his sex buddy again.

Ultimately in future, you have more chance of being his girlfriend if you keep with the "no sex" policy - as you have done - than if you weaken and give into him and continue as an FWB.

And please, don't give into him by saying yes to sex again, in the hope it will bring him closer and to perhaps change his mind. That is probably very unlikely to happen.

And what that would also do, is show weakness of character on your part. And you are back to square 1 yet again.

In fact, if I were you, I would not be even thinking about bringing sex into the equation, unless it did eventuate into a real life boyfriend and girlfriend relationship.

And if that did happen, you also need to be sure that he was sincere and treated you with respect, dignity and with consideration of your feelings, at all times.

Why I say that is, it could revert back and you become an FWB once again.

You know when someone is genuine in their caring about you. They spend money on you and take you to nice places, and over time, take you to meet their family.

But as I was saying earlier, you need to really listen to your own heart and what you feel about all this.

And when you do, you need to be completely honest with yourself, no pretending, no daydreaming. Just the truth.

It's probably not going to be a short process. It could take many months - him deciding, I mean.

While you are deciding about it, consider whether there is 50/50 in the friendship.

Do you give and he takes. Is it equal between you.

Does he do as much for you as you do for him, in kindness and thoughtfulness? It's an important issue.

The real problem with FWB's is it doesn't seem to move forwards or backwards. It kind of stays stagnant. Just a habit that forms, without realizing it's happening.

And usually the female starts to feel they are being taken for granted, especially when they want more from it than just sex. It can be rather shallow - with no real meaning.

It may even come to a point with you, that you just decide you want more than this guy has to give.

Unfortunately, some men just won't commit.

Another reason some men won't commit, is that they fear their whole life will change dramatically, and that their new love will rule the roost.

By that I mean, (he thinks) she won't let him do this, and she won't let him do that. A feeling like their whole life is going to be controlled by their new love interest. And a great loss of freedom. Or a complete loss of freedom!

It might be scaring the hell out of him!

Perhaps this is what he believes. You never know.

In any case, time will tell what ends up happening.

It is his decision though. You can't force the issue.

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A female reader, Miamine United Kingdom +, writes (11 December 2011):

Miamine agony aunt "....for almost 5 years you dont just stay around for booty and still put up with each other"

Of course you do... your staying around for 5years for a piece of his booty aren't you?

Your asking about what he is thinking and why he does this... I'm more interested in what your thinking and why your doing this.

Are you single now.. if you are I'm not surprised. No need to try hard in a relationship, when you know you can call him and he'll come over and keep your bed warm.

5years is a long time, you present as 26-29years old... you gonna do this for another 5years, another 10.... after all this time, what have you got to show for it...

Again, why are you doing this?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Dorothy! It stopped about 2 months or 3 months ago. I agree about just being friends i stopped sleeping with him since the last time. When we see each other its at his house or mine. We are friends we talk about everything. When i am mad he apologizes he doesnt treat me like just sex you would have to be getting that a lot more then he does. If it was i dont think any guy would put up with me not best sex ever either. I agree we have been friends this long so who knows maybe keeping my mouth shut is a good idea and see what he does. Thank you that pretty much assured me on what i was thinking.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you everyone. Let me make it clear i have known him for 5 years but had a bf so we didnt always have sex can count on one hand how many times.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2011):

Tell him you can't do this anymore, that you have had enough of fooling around and are ready for a relationship. Then leave him. If he wants you for more than sex, he's not going to let you walk away that easily. If, on the other hand, he doesn't care when you tell him... you have your answer right there. Good luck, but don't keep wasting your time as a f**k buddy when you deserve better :)

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2011):

"I later apologized for my side of things he went on to say he doesnt want a relationship I called him on it and told him to stop with the bs and its not that he doesnt its just me he doesnt want a relationship with."

In your own words he doesn't want a relationship with you after 5 years and it's very unlikely this will change. He is still around because of sex and company without any commitment.

I think you need to end this completely. No talking, no texting, nothing. Start dating other men if you haven't and try to build a relationship with someone else. 5 years is already too long to put into this which probably isn't going to end up with any real future for you.

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A female reader, Dorothy Dix Australia +, writes (10 December 2011):

Hi there. Are you still friends with benefits? Or has the sex part of it stopped now?

There's nothing wrong with just being friends, for now. At least you are speaking to each other, so that's a start.

What is the current situation of when you do see each other - is it social only - meaning, that you go to the same places but with other friends, and you bump into each other while you are there and then you talk?

Then outside of that you text each other sometimes. Is that right?

So you are at least friends, aren't you?

You have said he doesn't want a relationship at the moment, and you probably would like one.

So it's clear that you aren't on the same page where relationships are concerned.

This is the challenge you face.

You can't make him want a relationship if he isn't ready for one.

With that being the case, you might have to be content to be a friend only, and see if over the next 6 to 12 months, he does reach a point where he wants to become emotionally involved with someone. And hopefully, that someone might be you.

And in the meantime, while he decides what he wants from life, you might consider going out with other guys.

What if in 12 months time, he is in the same mental place he is now - undecided? Would you still want to wait another year, and another, and another?

While you wait for him to decide his future, you are passing up chances to find genuine happiness with other nice young men who are ready right now, for a relationship with someone special.

So there are a few things for you to consider here.

You could wait for 10 years, and then he might decide he never wants to settle down with ANYONE! How would you feel then?

It's possible.

There really comes a time in everyone's life where you do have to consider your own happiness.

And it really comes down to how long you are willing to wait.

The worst case scenario here is, you keep on waiting for him and texting him like you do now, and this goes on for 6 months, and he hasn't changed his mind about relationships - still! Then one day you text or talk on the phone, and he says in a really excited voice - "Guess what? I'm getting married!" Or worse still, you hear it on the grapevine that he's getting married.

How would you feel then? You'd be absolutely shattered. And who wouldn't?

I'm not saying that this will happen to you, however I have known of this to happen, especially in friends with benefits relationships.

When this does happen, the FWB couple keep on doing their thing together once a week or whenever, and it's like the guy is biding his time until the right one comes along. You know, "The One", as they say.

And the sad thing is, only the guy knows what's going on behind the scenes of the FWB. The girl in the FWB just continues to live in hope, wishing it would evolve into somehing serious and "happily ever after", type of situation. But very often, nothing becomes of it at all.

I hope for your sake, that you realize that this could be what happens for you.

Maybe it will, and maybe it won't.

Some FWB's become serious relationships, however it requires some emotional commitment by the guy first.

If you want to continue your friendship with him (or FWB as the case may be), well then don't keep pressuring him into wanting a relationship with you, because as you have said here, he does get angry over it from time to time, and there could be one time where he will get very angry and frustrated with you, and he might just call it quits altogether. And then you have no chance of becoming his girlfriend.

So you will have to ease off the pressure completely from now on and instead, concentrate on having fun when you are together. And be genuinely interested in him and in his life.

The most important thing in building a new relationship, is in getting to know each other well and finding out what makes each of you tick.

This is what builds the feeling of being emotionally connected. This is what makes two people close, and keeps them wanting to be together and to stay together.

And it keeps them wanting to come back to you again and again.

While having good sex or even great sex can be fun, it's not enough on it's own to build a strong, lasting relationship. There needs to be so much more.

Feeling emotionally connected, is the glue and the staying power of a relationship. The other important thing is trust - complete trust.

So now, you need to do what feels right to you. Follow what your heart is telling you.

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