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anonymous
writes: Is this Love or Obsession?I met this guy nearly 4 years ago at work, i didnt like him at first but after working together a few weeks we discovered we both had some sort of bond and an unbelievable chemistry. We connect like ive never connected with anyone. We were both with other people at the time but it didnt stop us sharing the odd kiss and cuddle.However our feelings seem to be more emotional than physical. He has since split with his ex and been seeing other people for the past 2 years and im the same.But even when im with other people im thinking of him. The thing is after 4 years of all this we still havent got together as a proper couple, we nearly did but he says I deserve better than him. I think I Love him because I have never had feelings like this for anyone, I've forgiven him for every little thing hes done to upset me, I can never think of the arguments,he can make me smile by only looking at me, I still get butterflies when I see him.I never get jealous when he's with other girls; it just makes me happy for him, only ever think of the good things about him. Even his bad moods don't upset me. Nothing upsets me about him, just makes me like him more. He has confessed to kind of having the same feelings for me but says he won't take it any further. This really upsets me and its driving me mad that I can't get him out of my head. As it stands we haven't actually spoken to each to each for 4 months now after an argument about us being together. We have to see each other every day at work so it's really hard. Sorry this is so long but its the first time I've spoken about this. Do you think its love or am I obsessed? I think its all mutual feelings between us but I could be just imagining things? I need advice before I go mad.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A reader, Arawn, writes (11 February 2005): It is hard to see inside someone's head. And because of this lack of insight we all tend to make presumptions. Especially when you know what picture you want the jigsaw to be of but unfortunately the pieces don't seem to fit together!I have typed a long answer with some practical suggestions but I have erased them for what I think is the best advice.I think that more than half your problem is summed up in your last paragraph when you say it is the first time you have spoken about it. If there are no friends you think you can confide in then you should arange to speak to some sort of councillor. There are volenteers out there that will listen and that is what you need rather than practical advice. When you have started talking about how you feel the pieces will start to fall into place and you will start to feel better. Ask your doctor about councilling, or look in the yellow pages. These people are not just there for 'nutters', or 'whinging americans', they are there to help us all. A girl I know went to see one about just such a problem. And she has nothing but the highest praise for the help that it gave her. You can ask to see a male or female councillor if you have a preference. As I said, it will be someone to listen to you in confidence, with out judging you and you can vent all the thoughts that are spinning round unresolved in your head.I think also you may need to extend an olive branch and break the silence at work because that kinda dailly stress isn't good for you on top of all the usual work problems. But I would not allow yourself to meet up with him out of work while you are still trying to work out stuff in your head. You may come on too heavy and scare him off and you are back to not talking. Keep it 'work small talk' and very brief. Be strong and good luck.
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (11 February 2005):
 I think he seems confused and doesn't really know what he wants. Have you asked him why he won't take it any further? I guess you must have. He appears to not think much of himself either and yet, him just receiving your love should be enough confirmation for him to realise that he is an attractive man in all sense of the word. Perhaps you should draw his attention to why you like him so much.The thing is, though, he does do things to upset you, you do argue and he does have bad moods. Even though none of this seems to upset you too much, it is indicative that this man does have problems that need sorting out. Perhaps that is why he won't entertain a relationship with you.I think perhaps you are in love with him but you are somewhat blinded to his faults and you do deserve someone who would be fully committed to you and understanding of your needs too.Perhaps you need to find out once and for all where you stand with this guy if you really want to have a relationship with him and you are prepared to accept him for what he is. Ask him how he really feels for you and whether he can envisage you both ever having a relationship.I think he represents a bit of a challenge in a psychological kind of way which is why you are having problems letting him go. (you know, we always want the one we can't get). So, you need to establish exactly where you stand.If he still insists that there is no hope of a relatiosnhip with him, then you need to go out and find someone else to distract you! You will have to let him go and find new friends and build your confidence to finding someone new.I hope this helps.
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