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anonymous
writes: I met a man 7 months ago as a friend living in the same road as us and we seemed to get chatting more and more and I suddenly realised one day that I fancied him. We have all gone out as a 4 some and the last time we went out he had said on the phone that he wanted to get me drunk. (He had told my husband previously that he thought I would be quite amusing being drunk). On the evening half way through my glass of wine he grabbed it and insisted on getting another and when I refused he told me to hurry up and drink. He mirrored the way I was with my arms, looked at me occasionly, winked and even though he got tired, everytime I seemed to speak, he livened up. He has always been suggestive in the past most of the time when his wife isn't around.Since that day I have become quite stressed out and suddenly realised today that I think I have fallen for him (I am having teenage feelings of not being hungry, my heart misses a beat when I see him). The thing is I really feel I should say something to him even if he doesn't say the same. On the other hand I don't want to spoil my marriage or his. This is has not happened to me since I met my husband. I need an answer.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2005): You say you "don't want to spoil your marriage or his". I think you have answered your own problem! If you don't want to then don't risk it.Your marriage or your husband maybe not seem as sparky or exciting as this guy and feelings you have when you see him at the moment. Is it really worth devastating your husband over? Think how you would feel if the situations were reversed. If you allow yourself to act upon your crush on this guy it will be, I am sorry to say, an act of terrible selfishness.Anyway, do you really want to be with a guy who trys it on with women when his wife is in the other room!!! Think about how else he treats his wife, what he says, how he says it, what he says about her... Try to see the situation objectively. Your 'teenage feelings' may cloud your judgement but think things through and be strong. Sometimes things just happen between people but the way you describe this guy he will have pushed it, deliberately pushed all the right buttons, got you drunk and your defences low. If you find yourself in his arms it will not have 'just happened'. Remember that it is always your choice and choices lead to actions and all actions have consequences.It is not fair to have you even contemplating losing all you have for his own thrill.Maybe turn your attentions to what you have got. Maybe have a weekend away with your husband. Spice it up a bit at home, or just snuggle up in front of the tv... enjoy what you have.I hate to sound harsh or judgemental but do your self a favour by spending some time away from this, frankly, immature, risk taking control freak. Your feelings will pass, remember that from your teenage years?
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (11 February 2005):
 This guy seems somewhat unscrupulous to me. You need to ask yourself a series of questions and, in a way, come back to reality I'm afraid.What exactly does he want from you? Just sex? (trying to get you purposely drunk seems to indicate that) Do you want just sex with this man? Do you want to leave your husband for this man? How do you feel about your husband? How would you feel about eventually being in a relationship with this man? Would you be able to trust him?I think what is happening here is a kind of infatuation. You are enjoying the attention and there is nothing wrong with that but you need to keep it in perspective; think about what you could lose and who you could hurt.You need to turn to your husband and find ways of livening up your marriage. You need to have attention from him. Do you still love your husband? Do you still want to be with him? You need to work out exactly what you feel in order to go forward. If you do still want your hubby, then you need to make plans together to enrich your relationship. Do the things you used to do when you first got together to relight the spark. You need also to ignore this man and suppress whatever feelings you have for him. I'm afraid that is the only way forward if you don't wish to hurt anyone.Good luck !
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (11 February 2005):
 The reason that you have these "teenage feelings" of thrill is that this man is clearly going out of his way to make you feel desired and attractive.The next logical questions are a) why is he doing it and b) what do you do next?I suggest that this guy has just One Thing on his mind, and that's to get you into bed. He probably isn't planning on setting up housekeeping with you or making any long-range plans that involve the two of you running away to a romantic villa together, so you need to make your judgement based on that assumption.Frankly, from your letter, this guy sounds a bit juvenile. He's acting like an overgrown adolescent to get your attention. He aped your posture, then winked at you when he wife was out of the room? He tried to force you to get drunk? What's next? The old "I'm yawning and stretching, oops, my arm is around your shoulders" routine? Another point that you should consider is that this may be a pattern that this man uses, trying to bed the wife of any and all of his friends and acquaintences. He may be very good at making women feel desirable because he does this quite a lot. Now that's creepy.My advice is to take your new, deliciously-shivery energy and revitalise whatever is missing from your marriage, rather than give in to animal lust with Lover Boy. Give him the flick and instead, make some time for just you and your husband alone. Do some things that you like to do together, even if it's just a quiet walk along the water at dusk.Tell your husband that you miss the excitement that you both used to feel and ask him if he does too (I'll bet he does!). Maybe he'd be willing to help work on jazzing things up in your married life, in a way that would make you feel as sexy as your neighbour does now. At least give your husband a chance.Good luck with it.
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