A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:my boyfriend and i have been together for over a year now. we got into a huge arguement over several issues the other night. he told me flat out that he does not want marry me anytime in the near future. toward the end of this i told him that i didn't think he loved me. he told me that "i could just go to hell" if i didn't think he loved me. we ended up staying together but now i can't get out of my head, the statements he made. i really love him but i don't feel like we are on the same level of committment. Are we? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2009): Tell ya what, a year isn't a long time to begin. Take it slow and allow him to prove his love for you. His answer was probably out of frustration anyway. Unless there are other reasons that lead u to beleive he really doesn't love ya then think hard and fast and you might be better off moving on, find yourself, love yourself before you expect that from someone else who may not be ready for a commitment as you already are...just a thought
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the feedback. im going to see what prevails with us in our relationship. im trying to be supportive in his search for a job also. i realize that marriage is a big step and as long as im alright with our relationship everything is fine.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2009): No, you are not on the same level of commitment and what he's told you is basically you aren't the one for him and there's not much you can do about that. You can argue with him all you want and try to convince him otherwise but you'll just be spinning yourself in circles. This may be hard for you to hear, but you can stay with him until he does get married but it won't be to you and that will hurt much more than how you're hurting now. If you stay with him after what he's told you, he'll slowly lose respect for you and start taking you for granted. I would walk away from this relationship. It's possible that once he sees you aren't willing to compromise your self respect that he'll realize what he's lost and change his mind but I wouldn't count on it.
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female
reader, jessica04 +, writes (3 April 2009):
 Where a relationship will end up can often be a hard balance to find between men and women. One thing that women are usually more aware of is time, and the idea of the "biological clock".
My guy and I have the same discussions, but we are both held down by school right now, so I cannot argue my point to the extent that you can. But I have let him know that I have a personal time line that I would like to adhere to, and if he is unsure about whether or not he even wants to marry me, then please break things off with me and don't waste my time.
It's a tough ulitmatum, but in the end it depends on what you really want, and if you want to wait around to see.
I have no doubts that he loves you, and for him he might not be in a rush to get married because what you have right now is working so well. If marriage is really important to your set of family values, then you need to simply tell him so, but if you too are just enjoying the ride, then does a piece of paper really bring you two together anymore than you already are?
I think you are just scared that your investment of time might not yield a return of his commitment to you. It's a valid fear, but might only serve to push him away if he see's marriage as something farther in the future.
I would sit down and construct a list of "check points" in life that you two want to accomplish, both personally and together. You might be surprised to find that your list also lines up with marriage being years down the road. And if your lists are too different and there is little way to work them together, then maybe consider the fact that your relationship has an expiration date, because in the end there is no point bringing up resentment over feelings you two can't change.
But for now, know that he loves you, and find security and assurance in that.
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