A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello! I've been going out with my boyfriend for 4 months now, I was a virgin before him so I'm kind of lost regarding sex issues. The problem is he has problems getting an erection or sometimes he loses it half way through sex. He says it never happened to him before and that it is not me. But I think I am the problem, first: I think I'm not good enough, I do get embarrassed about everything in the bedroom so it may be boring for him, and second: I also think I may be too loose, sometimes I can't feel him that much during sex so maybe that's the problem. Any advice, similar experiences? Anything will be much appreciated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2013):
it sounds like you are very nervous about having sex with him, in which case so will he! normal men want their partner to enjoy sex with them, they want you to be comfortable and happy during sex. if you are not he may feel really weird too. this doesnt mean you to act like a pornstar, but just rlax! re member sex with someone you care about is a lovely thing, all you need is confidence
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 November 2013):
 Just a thought... what about his masturbation/porn watching habits ? We get so many letters here where,lo and behold, it turns out that the problem is just that- that's almost uncanny. It's like entire countries are being swept up by a wanking epidemy :).
Even without a full blown porn addiction, some guys just sort of train themselves to respond ONLY to very visually strong and very tactily aggressive stimulation- they sort of desensitize themselves, so the " real thing " feels kind of lame to them.
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A
female
reader, like I see it  +, writes (25 November 2013):
 If he says it's not you, he probably means that. Erectile dysfunction can be a VERY sensitive topic for men who are affected by it, and it's not uncommon for women to post here saying their male partners blame them (to save face) or simply avoid sex (to save embarrassment).Your partner isn't doing either of those things, so that's a good sign. It means he IS attracted to you and he IS interested in having sex with you.You say you're embarrassed about all things sexual - well, I know this may be difficult, but if you're mature enough to have sex you're mature enough to understand that it's a natural, biological act and so it shouldn't be an embarrassment to you. You're not dirty for having sexual desires or for indulging them in the context of a committed relationship and since you're having sex anyway you might as well enjoy it, right? I don't think newfound confidence in the bedroom would be a cure-all for your boyfriend's difficulty maintaining an erection, but it's one of those things that can't hurt and might help.Regarding your "looseness" - it's quite natural for the vagina to enlarge slightly when you are aroused, to accommodate your partner and make sex less painful. For this same reason women who use diaphragms as birth control must insert them before arousal - otherwise the vagina and cervix will literally change shape enough that a properly sized diaphragm no longer fits. You're not "loose," just aroused some times more than others :)If your boyfriend is in the same age range as you he may feel awkward taking his concerns to a doctor because erectile dysfunction is viewed as a condition common to much older men, but I would strongly suggest you advise him (gently and kindly) that you enjoy sex with him and that this is something that you would like to help him address, for the health of your relationship.Hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes :)
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A
female
reader, dcgirl15 +, writes (25 November 2013):
So, a few thoughts on your post:1) Believe him when he says it's not your fault. It could be something going on at work, a self-confidence issue, or a chemical imbalance from a medicine he's taking that you don't know about. Until he specifically tells you what he wants to changed, you can't really "fix" anything. 2) If you really want to get better at sex, you should do it for your own peace of mind. There's nothing to be embarrassed about; it's just a process to get more comfortable. It takes a lot of people years to feel fully in control and there's almost always an "adjustment period" with a new partner. If you're comfortable with it, read some online websites or magazines that have tips on sex or even try reading some sex literature/watching porn. If you're not comfortable with that, maybe try thinking about sex when you're not around and planning some moves that you think h'd like or just thinking about how you'd react. It'll get better over time. 3) I doubt you're too loose as a virgin and not having given birth. If you can't feel him, it must just be because you're getting turned on and wetter. If you're really self conscious, you can try kegels. A lot of women do it after given childbirth to tighten things back up. http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/kegel-exercises/WO00119Otherwise, you can always stop and wipe down there with a cloth and then go back to having sex.4) I dated someone for a while that wasn't able to reach climax. Eventually with open communication, we worked through it. It wasn't me. It was just emotional things going on for him at the time. We worked through it and he was eventually able to finish.Don't blame yourself. Try to get more comfortable with sex and just enjoy yourself! It should be a fun process. Have fun until he looses his erection, do something else and come back. Don't take it too seriously. Until he says it's you, assume it's not. You can't know exactly what's happening until he tells you and speculating will just drive you crazy.
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