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male
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anonymous
writes: Hi.Have a question about sex with my wife.We've been married for 8 years, together for about 13total. Sex has always been great. Up until maybe 3 years ago. She started losing interest in sex and seemed to only want to do it to please me. She would initiate it, mostly trying to please me.. and many times she would not be into it and would end up dry and unsatisfied. Other times she would love it.I always want sex, and after maybe a week or two without it, I get crabby. Not like 'mean' crabby,but just like a 'pms irritated'... :)We ended up talking about it a litte a few times and I told her that I would not push the issue, but would just be there for her (and ready) whenever she was ready to go.More of the same went on, and I always would feel like she is doing it for me, except for maybe on a rare occasion.Now I'm starting to get a complexion that I am not doing anything right, and that she is not liking mesexually. I confonted her after another failed attempt lately,and told her my feelings. We figured out thatshe just doesn't have the urge for sex - but its notthat she doesn't like me or is turned off by me, shejust simply does not get in the mood.We got into a deep converstion and had figured outthat we still very much so are in love, butthe urge is just not there for her and she doesn't knowwhy. We've discussed daily stress, pressure to perform, and other stuff... and I'm just giving her space right now and not advancing on her.She loves to do things with me and cuddle, butnothing ever goes beyond that with her.Its been a few weeks now since our talk andI am getting more fustrated and sad every day.I don't know what it would take to get the magic back.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2009): You shouldn't just want sex when you get married you should love your wife and understand life isn't about sex. Love your wife. If you dont have kids and you want them then have sex for tht reason not just for fun i'm a girl and that would bother me very badly!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (5 January 2006):
 Ignore anonymous below firstly.
I think you have tried most things and have shown yourself to be amazingly patient. I imagine that you have discussed all reasonable causes and you are not pressurising her.
I'm sure you have possibly extended foreplay and asked her what she would like in bed. You have romanced her as well in which to revitilise the relationship?
The doctor is the next step and possibly a referral. All physical reasons should be ruled out firstly as to her non existent sex drive and then see a counsellor who specialises in this. This type of case is very common and I reckon if your wife saw a specialist, you may both get somewhere.
I understand how much you want to get the magic back and working together will achieve this. If you both want to get back on track, it will happen.
I think things should go beyond a cuddle with your wife. I'm not trying to say that it is a woman's purpose to have sex with her husband but I am saying that she should be more considerate of your needs and even though she may not feel like making love, she could at least make sure you receive pleasure (as I'm sure you would do for her). Marriage and relationships are about give and take as well as compromising and this involves sex too.
Talk to your wife and suggest you both go to receive help. If she is keen for your marriage to continue and work, she will want to sort out the problems too.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2006): She is cheating on you, get over it. Get divorced and move on.
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A
female
reader, shania  +, writes (5 January 2006):
 Is your wife depressed over anything? That is the biggest killre in a sexual relationship,is she stressed over anything? Its good that you two are talking and you are trying to give her space.Sometimes if a woman isnt turned on enough when it comes to intercourse,she would be dry and therefore difficult to be penetrated.Are you giving her enough foreplay? You might think you are,but it takes a woman 20 minutes to be efficiently aroused where for a man straight away! I think you should leave the sex for now and just start by giving your wife cuddles and kissing but nothing more that way there wont be any pressure for her to perform.Tell her that you love her and be as affectionate as you can,do this for a few weeks until you can move to the next step.If your wife still doesnt feel in the mood then you will have to see why.Does she get help round the house? Is everything left for her to do because if it is,then she is too tired to make love and all she would want then is her sleep.Other then that,a sexual therapist would help but try my advice 1st.
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