A
female
age
51-59,
*ettybbb
writes:Dear everyone,I have a problem would like to solve for a long time. Wish you all give me command and suggestion to solve my problem. :)I have such a hard time having sex with my husband. I feel really bad about it. I don't know what to do. I have been with him for about 18 years since the day we met. We hardly have any sex. Most of the time we have oral sex. I mean I give oral sex to him. I don't get any from him. Sometimes I am glad to give him oral sex. But.....sometimes I just feel so tired to doing that. I feel USED! I feel like I am a hooker with no money. I feel "low"! We had discussion about that we need to improve our sex life. And he response is , "yes, I would like to pleasure you. And we need to get out of town. We do better job when we get out of town." There is so much going on in his life. Long story..........!!!!!! The divorce and kids and the money. I am next to him. It is so hard and tired of listening to all his complain. I feel stress too. I feel that I can't help him at all. I remember he was telling his friend that he "f" me the other night to cure my sinus!! I feel that he doesn't respect me. How do I know he told his friend. Because he told me!!When we have sex, I feel like he just "f" me and there is no love feeling or so. It is awful!! I found his phone bill, he was calling massage parlor . And of course, I assume and knows those places are not only for massages!!Am I the one who has psycho problem!!!????? I would like to improve our sex life. I don't know what to do??!!!If you have any command, question, and suggestion, please let me know!! Thanks.
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male
reader, SamuraiRick +, writes (23 June 2008):
 I wanted to add another thought here.... First off I will echoe the advice given by Annie. I just didnt want to say it in my reponse because it sounds better coming from a woman...advice about how to liven things up. She also said something that is totally on the mark...sex with your husband shouldnt be something you think as dirty, making you feel like a prostitute. She is right..you have the right to be as intimate and dirty as you want to be, and not be self-consciouos about it...because if you don't do that for him, he will go somewhere else for it. Us guys do love to be seduced by our women.
HOWEVER.... and this is the huge point here I need to make, I believe that in most relationships women look to their men to initiate sex. If men had to wait for women to initiate it there would be a whole lot less sex going on. ON average, men want sex more than women. Naturally it takes two to have sex, and when we men intitate it, what usually happens is we get our women into the mood after WE initiate it. Then its BANG your both in sync and hitting it.
Men are constantly horny because testosterone contols our desires...and it never goes away. With women, ovulation controls desire, and its ususlly during those peak periods of the month women will initiate. When women are not on their peak, it takes us guys to stimulate their desires by trying to initiate.
But I say all this to preface what I think is screwed up in your situation....the fact that YOU have to be forced to intitiate sex, when by your female nature you would prefer that HE initiate it. That's why I say you BOTH need to help each other on this...its not all on you. He also has to do his part and intiate sex. If he is not holding up his end, all your efforts might fall flat anyway no matter what you do.
Still, dont give up and do what you need to do. If the guy has any kind of libido he should respond to your efforts to seduce him.
A
female
reader, Anniegeturgun  +, writes (22 June 2008):
 Well, I really don't feel it is appropriate for your husabnd to speak to anyone but you about your sex life, unless you and he have come to an agreement to see a therapist. That is disrespectful of him. I am sorry to hear he did that. but to improve on your sex life, maybe you could just relax to begin with. Never feel like you are a hooker inside your marriage, anything you and your husband do in the privacy of your own bedroom is your business and as long as the both of you agree together that oral sex is good, then its ok. To spice up things, try to buy a lacey nightie, maybe some crotchless panties, wear a sweet new perfume, and make the bedroom romantic feeling. Or when he is in the shower, slip in ther with him unexpected. Talk dirty a little to him. Do not be embarrassed, he is your husband after all, you and he are one together. If you feel it is just *f....ing* and not making love, then make love a different way, slowly, make him wait and foreplay some instead of just going in for the big boink! Seduce him! Slowly. He is YOUR husband, you have the right to seduce him all you want. I think if you make these changes, you will find things will feel better. Most men want to be seduced and tantilized by a woman, to feel like they are sexy and worth flirting with a taking your time for. Take your time and make it happen. I am sure he will look at you differently after that and mayb even stop calling the massage parlor all together.
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A
female
reader, bettybbb +, writes (22 June 2008):
bettybbb is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi SamuraiRick,Thank you for your advice. I will get Dr. Laura's book. I was thinking to get it. You are right, he never says " I love you" when we have sex. We both do want to change the situation and environment around us. For me, I am tired !! I am tired of all these complain on the divorce, lawyer, kids. There are no improvement. I will try to diminish all these negative thought as we have sex or giving him oral sex.
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A
male
reader, SamuraiRick +, writes (22 June 2008):
My dear, you have a problem that I think is best handled with professional advice. And it’s something you BOTH need to do if you want to repair your marriage.
A couple things I will say though. First…. Sex, in the most ideal of situations, is a Gift you give to the one you love. As your husband’s wife you should willingly give him all the sex he needs to satisfy him, and in turn yourself. In a good loving situation you have sex with regularity if you want to keep the Fire alive. But you should already know this.
Your husband has done a lot of damage here, and I put most of the blame on him for being an asshole. Telling his friend, within earshot of you that he had sex with you to clear up a sinus condition was just stupid and hurtful. It’s just disrespectful! Words like that don’t help and are a sign that there is no love involved with the sex you are having.
I can see how you feel like you are being used whenever you have sex with him. Does he say things like “I love you,” when your having sex. My guess is no. I am sure you try to have sex with him with love in your heart, but it is hard when he doesn’t put in the effort and puts you down in front of his friends.
But let me add this…in marriage you don’t always have to have sex with love on your mind. Sex on its own is pleasurable. But here is the other thing: having more sex generates more feelings of love….so it goes back and forth…love feeds sex, sex feeds love. When there is a lack in one element or the other and you’re not even trying, then you got a problem.
Your lack of sex feeds into your lack of love. And you lack of love diminishes your desire for more sex. That’s why sex is so important in marriage. Without it your marriage is empty.
As for the massage parlor thing, that is not a good sign either. If he is finding an outlet for his sexual desires, it’s not with you.
Big hint here: When he tells you he wants to “go out of town” to have sex with you what he is really saying is I want something new…a change of environment. He wants to leave the everyday to find passion. The same old routine, the same old way isn’t doing it for him anymore. There are ways for you to make the everyday more exciting for him and try to stoke his desires for you, but I will leave that for other women to help you.
If I can suggest some homework I will recommend you read Dr Laura’s book called “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands” She can tell you better. Her advice is solid. Of course she will also delineate for you if your situation is hopeless or even salvageable. If he has cheated on you that has to be resolved before anything else. Ignoring it won’t make it go away. This may be a one-time thing, but if you ignore it, you are also giving him silent consent to do this.
I hope my little advice and insight helps you. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2008): Please be aware that some people have lower libidos/drives. It is very unusual that your drive is higher than his, almost always the male has ten times the drive of women.
But regardless, there is so much more to a relationship than sex. The saying goes "love comes from the heart, not penis" find other ways to love him emotionally, why not cuddle?
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