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We had sex and now he's acting strange toward me. Is it him? Or me?

Tagged as: Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 April 2010) 7 Answers - (Newest, 6 April 2010)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I'm not exactly sure what to do here... i've been so into this guy and our little "fling" has been going on for 3 months now. Just the other week we ended up hooking up and we finally had sex. Everything was fine the day after and we talked like normal but they day after that everything sort of declined. We used to chat everyday and now our chatting has become minimal for the past week....we've talked a couple times but it still seems a little off. I saw him last night around town and he gave me some stuff i left at his house that night and I just awkwardly stood there and he initiated a hug but no kiss. Whats the deal? He told me once that i have weird body language and at first he said he didnt think i was into him when we first started talking. I don't know what to do here.... i just dont act as much because I know guys hate clingy girls and I dont want to seem needy or annoying so I let them have a lot of space. Is he over it or am I just overreacting? Help!

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A female reader, SugarBaby10 United Kingdom +, writes (6 April 2010):

Sadly, you fell into the catch of a 'fling' (your words) & slept with this guy before you had the chance to establish what you both wanted from this. If you have both been chatting/flirting for a while now & the natural progression from this was your one-off night of passion, then I'm afraid, you have probably laid the groundwork to become what's commonly known in modern terms as a 'fuck buddy'. If you are someone who can be happy with this arrangement, then there is nothing wrong with that & you should just enjoy the time spent together. If, however, you wanted more from this guy, then to continue seeing him on a casual basis for sex would only lead to more confusion/heartache on your part & the best thing to do is chalk it up to experience & move on.

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A male reader, A Man United States +, writes (6 April 2010):

I agree, this sounds like a jerk kind of guy. He might have just seen you as a "conquest". You mentioned that you were "flingy" for a few months. This is a HORRIBLE practice. Never "fling" with a guy more than a week. Get an exclusive dating commitment out of him. He was probably "flinging" with some other girls at the time too. And I advice against sex unless you've been seriously dating for a few months.

Bottom line: I think you've been used by a jerk.

Now, i'm gonna give you some ways pointers to see if a guy is a jerk. They aren't fool proof, but if he has 3 or more of these qualities, there is a good chance he's a jerk.

1. Is he movie quality handsome? (sad, i know. but 90% of handsome men let it get to their heads)

2. Does he usually have girls hanging on him? Does he like to flirt with many different girls? (player)

3. Is he college age, and if so, does he belong to a rowdy fraternity? (Young men of this age are notorious for being a jerk. Especially if they belong to a social group of testosterone injected men.)

4. Does he belong to a football, or any testosterone injected team? (same as #3)

5. Does he drive a 'jerk' car? A red sports car, a lifted truck, basically anything that says "Ya. I'm the shit!"

6. Does he treat others badly? Does he openly mock and degrade other people? (Bully)

7. Does he spend a lot of money or time into his looks? (Teeth whitening, nice hair, expensive clothes, etc.) Most guys that do this see sex as a conquest, so they are willing to pay the price to get it.

8. Is he very "confident"? For some reason girls CANNOT tell the difference between cocky and humbly confident. Women are inexplicably attracted to cocky guys. But women see it as "alluring confidence", not cocky. Nice guys can spot them a mile away.

9. Is he inconsiderately loud sometimes? Blasting music in his jerk car, revving his big truck, yelling, laughing loudly, blasting music in his apartment, etc. Because they are cocky jerks, they love to broadcast it.

10. Is he rich? (another sad truth, rarely do I meet a rich guy that doesn't think he's above most his peers. Which also includes women. They are playthings for them to buy. (expensive gifts, rides in expensive cars, expensive restaurants, etc.)

Now, like I said, there are exceptions to every rule. I think I've met a good guy for each of these qualities. But they are usually too principled to have more than two of these qualities.

Unfortunately, I find that the list above is pretty much every girls list of "Highly Attractive Qualities in a Man". Girls LOVE jerks. I see and hear them drool over them all day long. When I say he's probably a jerk, they get super offended. They find out the hard way a month later.

Most jerks actually have a low self-esteem, believe it or not. Plenty won't admit it though. Usually they got shot down by someone they really liked a long time ago. Or parent issues. Either way, they feel substandard somehow, so they overcompensate with the jerk qualities above. They get an ego boost out of driving nice cars, looking really good, and having sex with A LOT of women. Some jerks don't even brag about their 'conquests' because they are just trying to prove it to themselves.

This is what I recommend. Date nice guys. They will be the quiet, 'boring' guys hanging around, the ones your not immediately attracted to. They don't try to falsely pump up their image or their 'attractiveness'. Its unlikely they will make you swoon at the sight of them, but thats a good sign. It means your not being deceived. Throw out any "checklist of qualities my man should have", those always lead you right to jerks.

Instead, trust in a GUY friend. I can't stress the GUY enough. Girls CANNOT spot jerks. You girls rarely listen to each other's warnings anyway. Have a nice-guy friend that's willing to sniff the guy out. Nice-guys can detect jerks in seconds. Go on a double date with your friend and the new guy, through the course of the evening, a wise nice-guy should be able to find out if he's a jerk or not. And TRUST in his instincts. We nice-guys HATE jerks. They ruin the playing field for the good guys, so we've taught ourselves to spot them in seconds.

You know that scene in movies where the over-protective brother 'cases out' the new boyfriend? Totally true. We know men, and we know that plenty of them are no good. And I'll be damned if my sister falls prey to a jerk, whether her stupidity deserves it or not.

Hilarious as it is, these jerks actually try to give us nice-guys advice on dating. "Be a jerk, girls love it!" As if we wanted the idiots who fall for jerks. As if our lack of rampant sex wasn't based on morals. By the way, it's REALLY unattractive to nice-guys when a girl we like drools over jerks. Enough to not consider them anymore. It makes you look really dumb.

Now, don't cry, "settling" for a decent guy isn't so bad. They actually care about your feelings and try to make you happy. You can usually help them dress and look better (not too much though, we don't want to look like a jerk) and they get less "insecure" the longer you date them. You see, you women have taught them you'll go running to jerks, so you have to prove to them you won't do exactly that.

Good luck and I hope this has helped you.

A Man

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A male reader, DoubleM United States +, writes (6 April 2010):

DoubleM agony auntWell, similar to earlier responses, I think that he possibly made the "conquest" he was seeking and now he wants to work on the next one. Understand that some guys are like that, and actually, so are some girls (women).

Personally, throughout more than 46 years of girlfriends, wives and lovers, I've really never understood why many "other" guys are satisfied with this one-time-conquest sort of attitude. My philosophy, since my teen years, has always been to continue exploring sex with one woman if she's willing, because it only gets better with practice and more comfort. But my thoughts aside;

The fact is: A one-time romp with as many girls as possible is the goal of many young men, maybe a majority at all ages, as stupid as that may be. Such may have been the case with your short-time boyfriend.

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A female reader, raiders United States +, writes (6 April 2010):

raiders agony auntI think he used you for sex, men are pigs not all but the majority and you cannot predict how their behavior is going to be after your first sexual encounter together. I think you should let him go and don't become his booty call or his freinds with benefits.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (6 April 2010):

janniepeg agony auntYou just happen to be two available people. You have not given reasons to like each other and to go deeper. It seems to me he has no love to give. You are not in the stage to talk about "me and him" yet. What to do here? Keep on looking for the right guy. If he's acting strange leaving you hanging. NEXT!

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A male reader, CaringGuy United Kingdom +, writes (6 April 2010):

It seems to me like you may well have been used for sex, and now he's lost interest. Either that, or he regrets what happened. I think you need to talk to him.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2010):

I do not want to hurt your feelings but I think he got what he wanted and is cooling off. YOu did nothing wrong at all! YOu waited awhile before having sex and did everything right. I know it is so hard but I think I would back off from him as it sounds like he is immature and playing games.

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