A
female
age
41-50,
*ixiebreath76
writes:Hello all, I'll try to keep this as short as I can, but here goes...I have been divorced for four years, and was married for seven years. During the marriage there were constant issues with him cheating and things were very difficult. When he left, I was blindsided! Things were actually going okay and I had no suspicions about him at that time. As it turned out, he had a mistress and he left me to be with her. I have no idea how long it had been going on with this particular woman, and from what I gather, he ended up marrying her. But here is the real problem I'm having. I keep having dreams about him all the time!!! Some of them involve him wanting to get back together, trying to cheat on his wife with me, and also flashbacks of his cheating episodes. I have no feelings for him whatsoever at this point, and I can't understand why he keeps popping up in my dreams! Sure, I despise him for what he did, but I've moved on and have had no contact with him since the divorce was final. Can someone please share some insight on this? He is out of my life, but I want him COMPLETELY out of my life and my mind!!!!
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 March 2015):
 If I had a penny for ALL the people saying "I know I stayed longer then I should have" I'd be one rich lady.... There is NO shame in having stayed when you KNEW you should walk. It's EASY to say WALK AWAY, but when your lives, finances, debt are entwined (such as they are in marriage) walking away takes preparations. It's not an instant thing.
So again, DON'T beat yourself up. It's a waste of YOUR time.
And I get the bitter thing and wishing him all kind of evil (so to speak) BEEN there DONE that with my ex. Karma DID get him (at least morally and financially) so it's all good, but.. most of all, I REALLY believe that the best "revenge" is LIVE YOUR LIFE HAPPILY. Instead of beating yourself up for staying, now pat yourself on the back for leaving and taking him to the cleaners in court. YOU did good.
So when you get angry thoughts of him, tell yourself, poor bastard, roll your eyes and then go about your business. KEEP busy with positive stuff, hobbies, friends and family.
And when you still get really angry write it down, keep a little "hate journal". Sooner or later you will look at those writing and not feel a thing about him. That's when you destroy the journal.
You can do it.
A
female
reader, Pixiebreath76 +, writes (14 March 2015):
Pixiebreath76 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you ladies for your input. It has helped me some in putting things into perspective. I know my bitterness is only hurting me, and I try to remember that anytime I have a random thought about him. It doesn't always help, though, and I find myself wishing horrible things on him. The thing is, I never really had to snoop that much to figure out what was going on. I would randomly stumble upon things all the time. For example, there was one night that his phone kept going off with texts, it woke me up, and he was asleep. I got his phone and I looked at the texts because at the time his mom was having some medical issues and I thought maybe something had happened since it was 2am and it kept going off. He got 5 or 6 texts in the span of about 20 minutes. It turned out to be some skank sending him pictures, asking him if his wife was at work(I worked an overnight shift at the time), and asking him if he wanted to come over and bend her over the hood of his Camaro. WHAT?!?!?!? Another time, he had left his myspace logged on and I got on the computer for some reason and saw some things I wish I hadn't seen. And shortly after that some girl I didn't know messaged me on myspace and told me several things as well. According to her, he told her he loved her and blah blah blah just so he could get into her pants. She didn't know he was married until she found him on myspace! Of course, when I showed him the message, he DENIED, DENIED, DENIED!! He told me that she must have been mad because she had a crush on him since high school and was jealous. I can't say that I really bought that excuse, but I had no proof because it was her word against his basically. I know, I should have divorced this man the first time he cheated, and I wish I had. Oh, there are sooo many stories I could tell about his antics!!! And I was stupid to stay with him as long as I did. Most of the time we were married, we lived pretty far away from home and I had no family close by and no close friends around so I had no place to go and no money to go home to my family. And that was because he was stupid and had maxed us out financially. So at the time I felt that I was stuck and had to try and make things work. I know all my postings are kinda going off the subject a little, but I don't talk about any of these things with anyone around me. So I guess it's just me being on my soap box again. He never laid a hand on me the whole time we were together, but emotionally and mentally he treated me worse than anyone ever has. But thank you for listening to me ramble, believe it or not, it makes me feel a little better when I sit and write it all out here. Hope you all have a blessed day!!! XOXOXOXO
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (12 March 2015):
Don't beat yourself up that you TRUSTED him despite his past. I don't think it's a WIFE'S (or husband's) job to snoop and become some great Sherlock Holmes to "police" their spouse.
Yes, you knew he had cheated before. You presumed he had stopped as he was no longer sloppy. Which means you did what people are supposed to do, you trusted him.
HE didn't DESERVE your trust.
It would have been SO much easier had your ex had a back bone. Had he DIVORCED you before seeking new partners. But he probably didn't HAVE a backbone, not much respect for women in general (not just you).
As for his career, now a days it really comes down to the unit/CO how far they will take charges of infidelity. And you were lucky that his CO "made" him give you half the paycheck. I have seen MANY instances where the unit does NOT enforce that rule (and legally they CAN) - I have seen NCOs and Officers alike dick around and not get in trouble, with clear evidence. Some military units take a clear stance that they will NOT police the soldiers morals. Those are the days of the past. It does STUNT careers from what I have seen. HOWEVER, legally depending on the State you divorce in you CAN use infidelity.
Take away from that marriage that you trusted a man who didn't deserve it, and when you found out you STOOD up for yourself. YOU had a backbone.
Being angry at what he did is natural, just don't let it make YOU bitter. YOU being bitter does NOTHING for you. Nothing good that is. And it doesn't "punish" him either. Karma will ride his sorry hide.
At one point you need to focus on letting that anger go, don't let it hold YOU back. Because again, being angry/bitter does NOTHING for you. It won't make HIM a better man either. HE doesn't deserve to occupy so much of your thoughts and feelings.
And to think of ANY of his relationships AFTER you, you really think the new "fiance" can trust him further than she can toss him? HE is no longer trustworthy. You think he rode happily off into the sunset with her? Nope. SHE knows he cheated on his WIFE with her, so when will the other shoe drop? HE knows she cheated WITH him (she knew he was married) so when will THAT other shoe drop?
Forgive yourself for trusting him, forgive yourself for making the mistake of being with him. CHALK him up to a dumb mistake. Don't give him more power then that.
*hugs*
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A
female
reader, Pixiebreath76 +, writes (12 March 2015):
Pixiebreath76 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSince he had cheated before, I thought I knew all the signs and symptoms of it, but as time went on he got slicker and learned better how to hide things. After I found out what was really going on with him, I looked back and realized there were a few subtle clues that I missed, since I was used to him being sloppy, and I had become a better detective after dealing with his crap. Maybe I'm angry at myself for missing it completely? By the way, I completely raped him in the ass with the divorce settlement. I went to his CO right after we separated and found out that I was entitled to half his paycheck as long as we were still legally married. I drew out the divorce for almost a year, and when it was final, I got everything in the house (the house was rented, so I had to give it up because I couldn't afford to pay it on my own), the car, he paid all my debts off, paid my attorney fees, plus I got half of what was in his IRA. It wasn't a ton of money, but it kept me going for a while. He got blindsided too, when I grew a backbone and decided to fight him! I started digging and found proof that he was cheating. With him being in the military, it could have gotten him in quite a bit of trouble if I had decided to go to his CO with the proof. He never dreamed that I would be brave enough or smart enough to challenge him on it. Oh, and I recently found out that he was supposedly engaged to this woman before we were even divorced! Wish I had had that info when the divorce was going on! I knew he was screwing her, but not that they were engaged! You know, I think I may have just answered my own question... I am over HIM, but I'm not over what he did to me. I guess I haven't quite let it go yet. I still have a pretty strong hatred for him and I would laugh if their house burned down with them in it!! I think maybe it's because I feel like he has no right to be happy with someone else after what he did to me. In my book he should still be suffering the consequences!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2015): Yes,I agree with HoneyPie, you should not bring any of your past with you onto the next relationship (apart from lessons learnt) and should not blame other guys for this one guy's actions.I know from experience that this is much harder to do than to say.I know that is the right thing to do,but because I'm afraid I won't be able to do it,I prefer not to mess up someone else's life with my drama,so I've taken some time to myself.In your case- apart from the advice you've already been given, have you considered that maybe you find it harder to let go because you were blind sided?Because you did nor know/did not suspect what was going on?That's how I felt. I felt stupid for not knowing that something was going on with someone who was very close to me . Someone who shared every detail of his life with me (where he goes, who he meets, how long for etc. etc.-just shared when we spoke about our days. Volunteered. No questioning.)So I had the feeling that I knew it all but in fact,I didn't.Looking back, there were some very subtle clues that I ignored. E.g. I have the password for his phone (he gave it to me, I did not ask for it or anything), but I normally don't use it (it's HIS phone) and don't go through msgs or anything.Just playing games etc. when bored and he is on the laptop (as his was a fancy smart phone and mine isn't.)Whilst being on it one night before bed, he walked in saw me on it and said: "What are you looking at on my phone? And how do you have the password?" I told him what I was doing, simple :"Oh.Ok." He had forgotten that he gave me the password!I chalked it off to him being tired and it being very late, but him being this defensive about his phone (which he never was before) came right back into my mind after things happened.Maybe you did notice/ remember small, teeny, tiny clues?Those clues (if you can remember any) will help you-they helped me realise that they were some signals, but because I was in love I did not notice them/pay attention as much as I could have. Something about "eyes wide shut" and "seeing but not seeing".Even if you don't remember any clues-don't beat yourself for NOT "seeing it coming" like I did. Don't think that you are stupid like I did (I felt very,very stupid).People think that you should see it coming. But the truth is-1) people who cheat tend to be very,very good liars. They cover their tracks well and normally don't want to be found out. 2) You were in love. He tried to make you feel as safe as possible because 2a) that would give him the chance to make his exit easier and quicker-you won't have time to react/he won't have to deal with your reaction 2b) it hurts YOU more. He PLAYED you. It's like he can say "I won." (according to my brother here, have no idea why this works that way in a male's brain) Ultimately that gives him pleasure (i.e. the "winning"),but I do think it shows a great amount of insecurity (he'd rather play someone than be "played" himself.) 3) There are many, many people who DO NOT see it coming.After all, we want to believe in the best of people (normally we see the best in our partner,especially if in love+ tend to ignore their mistakes). For you to have forgiven him cheating several times... I take that as you loved him a lot. Way TOO MUCH maybe? You have to remember: he never loved you as deeply as you loved him, because if he did he would not do anything to HURT you.Out of your mind? that's a hard one-still working on it. Have you heard Ghost from Ella Henderson? that song really works for me
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 March 2015):
Could it be that if you start working on letting go of him and the trust issue might help?
Having trust issues with HIM was justified, but at some point you will HAVE to remember that THAT was him, can't put the issues you had with him ONTO the next relationship. It's TWO very different people (you have changed and whomever you date is NOT him). Otherwise you will LET him and HIS past action dictate YOUR future.
Your ex did NOT do whatever he did because of YOU. YOU aren't responsible for his actions. Which means the NEXT guy isn't going to do the same, because he ISN'T your ex.
Doesn't mean that "poof" you are now to be all trusting of everyone, but never hold someone new responsible for a past guy's actions.
You say you don't really think of him in your waking moments, but could that also be because you have buried some much of the crap he did?
Maybe even consider a therapist?
Another approach is to change your normal patterns. Let's say you go to sleep late. Try an hour earlier, maybe put on some music you ABSOLUTELY do no associate with him, or like crashing waves, rain, whale songs.. (whatever is relaxing to you) - as it might start you off on a different pattern of dreams.
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A
female
reader, Pixiebreath76 +, writes (3 March 2015):
Pixiebreath76 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answer. I have had these dreams off and on since my divorce, and I have them whether I'm in a relationship or not. So I don't think it has anything to do with whatever current relationship I have. I do know that my marriage to him has affected my ability to maintain any healthy relationship due to major trust issues that I still have. They never last long because I always get suspicious and break it off at the slightest uncertainty. Maybe that is the basis for these dreams, I don't know. He is rarely on my mind during waking hours so maybe the dreams are a way to make up time I'm not consciously thinking about him?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 March 2015):
I think your sub-conscience is still trying to figure the mess he left behind out.
Part of it is you blaming yourself for maybe not know he was a cheat before marriage or as you say getting blindsided. Most people PRESUME that the wife KNOWS. Like women who are married to molesters. People PRESUME these women KNEW that the husband molested their children, when quite often they don't. Same with women who marries a cheater.
How can you get rid of those dreams? I don't really know. Maybe write them down? when you have a nice little collection of "crazy dreams" you BURN them. Setting yourself free.
For whatever reason your MIND is still working through the marriage and divorce. Sifting through stuff.
Now I got this from a dream interpritation website :
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Ex
To dream about your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend or ex-husband/wife, that you and your ex are kissing/fighting or that you and your ex got back together again suggests that something or someone in your current life is bringing out similar feelings you felt during that relationship with your ex. The dream may be a way of alerting you to similar behavioral patterns in your current relationship. What you learn from that previous relationship may need to be applied to the present one so that you do no repeat the same mistakes. Alternatively, you may be reflecting on the positive experiences and good times that you shared with your past love. Dreams of getting back together with your ex or of your ex wanting to get back together with you may not necessarily be a reflection of reality. This dream may be triggered by some major change in your current relationship and how far you have come from those past relationships.
In particular, to see your ex-husband/wife in your dream indicates that you are currently finding yourself in a situation that you do not want to be in. It suggests that you are experiencing a similar relationship or situation which makes you feel unhappy and uncomfortable. Alternatively, dreaming that you are together with your ex-husband/wife implies that you are subconsciously repeating the same old patterns from that relationship to your current relationship. You are making the same mistakes and reacting the same way.
To dream that your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend is missing you suggests that you "miss" some aspect of that past relationship. A situation in your current life may be reminding you of your relationship with your ex. Alternatively, the dream may mean that you have moved on with your life. The notion that your ex is missing you may be a pun on that he has "missed" his opportunity or "missed" his chance with you.
To see your mate's ex in your dream suggests that you are comparing yourself to the ex. The dream is telling you not to make the same relationship mistakes that ended that relationship.
To dream that you ex has died indicates that your feelings for your ex are completely dead now. The dream is a metaphor of how you have let go of the past and are ready to move on and fully devote yourself to new relationships.
Metaphorically, seeing your ex in your dream may also signify aspects of yourself that you have x'd out or neglected.
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Source : http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/e2.htm
Maybe that kind of makes sense?
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