A
female
age
30-35,
*odireallyneedhelp
writes:The first time I had sex wasn't the right way. I feel bad about it. When my boyfriend and I did it for the first time I only gave in because I thought he would abandon me or cheat on me if I didn't. It was painful and I was scared, and even though it's almost been a year later I feel disapointed in myself for having let it happen that easily. I love my boyfriend very much and he's the only person I've ever slept with, and I don't intend to sleep with anyone besides him. But I'm still disappointed, and I felt even more horrible when he mentioned that he was surpirsed at how easily I gave in, he said he would have waited and now I feel like I've lost my innocence for nothing. We could have waited until we were married but we let it happen too soon. I'll never feel pure again. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2009): Virginity is more than a social construct. It became a social construct because it was a useful natural way of making sure of a few things. It made sure that men married a young wife who had no STDs (which are much more often passed on by women than men). And in the days before modern science, it was the only surefire way to make sure she was not already secretly pregnant with some other guy's child at the time she got married.But being a virgin at marriage was also originally so popular in times when most people were barely finished with puberty at the time they got married. People used to get married like 2 years after they finished puberty. Now puberty has been getting earlier while marriage has been getting later. Now this wait has grown to 10 or even 15 years of time when you've got a mature body but not a married partner. There has NEVER, EVER been a time in history when it was normal to expect most people to remain celibate for so many years in their sexual prime.
A
male
reader, Replacement +, writes (16 February 2009):
 Oh boy, this is one of those things that really irritates me. Here I go.
Look... virginity is so overrated in our culture, and you've probably heard over and over again that a girl is only as valuable as her possession of a hymen, but it's a load of rubbish. The first time having sex is no more special than the 10th, or the 100th, or at least it shouldn't be. I'm sorry you made a decision that you regret, but you have not lost your innocence or your purity (two more overrated concepts anyway in my opinion). Virginity is a social construct, totally overblown, and used to shame young girls like you into feeling bad about themselves. Everyone defines it differently anyway. It's not your role as a girl to play gatekeeper to your vagina. It's your role as a human being to listen to your feelings, your desires, make responsible and safe decisions, and value yourself as a human being foremost. You are not defined by your virginity or your lack of it.
It sounds like you chose to have sex for the complete wrong reasons, and you made a decision that you regret. It is fine to regret your decision, consider it a learning experience. Your needs and wants come first before those of your boyfriend- you have to look out for yourself. But look, you are still together, and you want to be together for a long time. Tell him you don't want to have sex anymore, not until you get married. It's not too late to stop having sex, just consider this a little mistake. You are not a failure, you are human, and it's okay. Please stop beating yourself up about it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2009): You might want to stop mistaking purity for viginity. The two are mutually exclusive.Why do you feel you lost your innocence?There is now law stating you have to be married to enjoy sex with someone you love. Only laws stating you have to be a certain age to do so.Besides... now that the ice is broken, so to speak, you can experiment and get to know just what it is that makes you both tick sexually so that when the big night comes and you stand before your chosen god and your family and take oaths to each other and you are joined in marriage... the sex will be not only amazing, but the true essence of love and pleasure.And without pleasure... sex is nothing.So stop being so Victorian about it and be thankful you gave yourself to a man who loves you as much as you love him.After all, the world will keep on spinning whether you feel pure or not.Flynn 24
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