A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello. I would like to ask for some advice if possible.Myself and my girlfriend have just split up due to her moving back to Italy and me being forced to stay here in Ireland. We discussed this at length and decided that things would be better in the long run if we didn't try and stay together. We had both had long distance relationships before and inevitably they didn't work.So, we have gone our seperate ways. I would say that this is far far harder than splitting up with someone because of more 'negative' reasons, because we were very much in love. I've been through break ups before but not one where our feelings for each other are still strong and happy. I know this is a nice way to be as there are no bad memories really. But in many ways it's far worse than a 'bad' break up.Has anyone been through this before? How did you deal with it? I just want to phone her and tell her I love her but I know that will probably just drag things out. I can't focus on the bad things to help get over her cos there aren't any really, even after a year together.Maybe one day our paths will cross once more but right now, we have to go our different directions.It's just so hard.Thank you for reading.
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broke up, long distance, split up Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2013): "We had both had long distance relationships before and inevitably they didn't work."
CMMP, I didn't misunderstand anything the writer presented in his post. From the beginning, he was quite aware of the fact that the girl; being from another country, at some point has to return to Italy. Thus it was destined to be another LDR or just end in broken-hearts. That's my point, but I think he got it.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (19 July 2013):
 how long before you could be together again?
a short term LDR with a goal is better than misery.
if you will never want to move to be with her or she can never come back then yes it's better to be apart
BUT if within the next few years one or both of you could permanently relocate to be together, a bit of short term pain for long-term goals seems do-able.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 July 2013):
 No, don't drag this on. You both have decided, you have decided to close a door on your shared past and go on from there. Stick to your decision, looking back will only make things harder.
It's a tough situation... I think what you can help cope with it, it's a healthy cold shower of reality , and the acceptance of the fact that you were in love- but not that terribly much. Or, you were in love, but you did not love each other seriously enough to come up with a plan, and fight, sacrifice, adjust in order to be together.
Yes, LDRs suck- unless there's a plan and a possibility to make them NOT LDR at some reasonable point in future.
I don't see why moving from Italy to Ireland and viceversa should be such an insormountable challenge . They are both UE countries, you don't need a visa, you don't need a Green Card, and they aren't even that far that going back for a visit would be close to impossible.
I am Italian, years ago I lived in Dublin for 6 months, -and if I had found a nice Irish fellow to steal my heart...probably I would have stayed, why not. It's not like the heart of the jungle , and neither is Italy .
Of course, I am sure that you had excellent, practical,important reasons that made it more advisable for you to split up.... maybe she is developping a career that can be best,or only, pursued in Italy, while if she stayed in Ireland she would have had to just take some " whatever " job, and/ or viceversa. Maybe either of you has old parents or relatives who count on your presence, , family or social obligations that's hard to leave behind. I am not saying that yours was not a wise, justifiable decision. If ,say, she knows that in her country she can end up earning 100.000 a year, and in yours only 20.000- I don't blame her at all , in fact I commend her for not having let heart matters win over the chance of a successful future ( and ditto for you of course ). BUT, the fact still remains that you put other goals , considerations and factors before the goal of being together and living together- and, if you both had REALLY cared about that goal, about making it happen- these other considerations would NOT have prevailed.
Get my point ? I am not saying you guys made the wrong choice, I am sure you thought it over and decided for the best . Cool, but now do not turn it into a " the love of my life forever " kind of story- because it's not. People give up KINGDOMS for love- if they are in love enough. If you got discouraged so easily- it was a nice experience for both, sure, you liked her and she liked you, you got along and all that.... but it was just a "normal ",temporary, transitional love, that with a little time and patience you will get over serenely and will be able to think of as just a fond pleaant memory.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2013): You did the right thing.When you have both had time to reflect and see the reality of not being together, you might realise that you want to find a way to make it work.Unfortunately love is not enough. You need it to be practical as well. You said you cannot move to Italy - why is that? And why did she have to move? She's clearly bilingual and has the right to work in Ireland. If you both really thought your relationship was worthit you would work towards one of you relocating permanently. I know couples who have been separated by distance for a few years because of work before living together happily ever after. I myself have successfully done a 2 year LDR stint after my significant other moved to work elsewhere within the EU. I am now currently in the process of moving to partner's country because I found a fantastic work opportunity there. It took 2 years to get things in order but it's working out great.To help you with the break up, keep reminding yourself that long distance would not have worked for you. Write a list of all the reasons why and why these problems are insurmountable. It will feel horrible to lose something good but it will lessen the blow if you come to the conclusion that there was nothing in your power you could have done to save the relationship. Don't try to date anyone else right now because you are not ready. Spend time with friends and family. Pick up new hobbies. Stay busy - but grieve when you need to. Cry it out as much as you need to. You will reach a point where you still feel the pain but it doesn't occupy your thoughts all the time.Honestly, I think you will never completely stop caring or wondering what if... since things were so good. But you will reach a stage where you either accept that it is what it is or you will commit to giving it a shot.Whatever happens, stay strong.Good luck
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (19 July 2013):
@wiseowl,i think you misunderstood; they lived near each other and she moved back to Italy so they broke up specifically because they didn't want to do the long distance thing.
@OP: Why don't you find a way to follow her? Work online from Italy? I was I a similar situation after I met my wife while temporarily living abroad. She pulled the trigger and moved back with me. I dont regret it one bit.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2013): I'm just curious. Why haven't you enjoyed relationships with women that are physically available? Have you tried to carry on a regular relationship; or is it just the drama of parting that you enjoy?
Long-distance relationships are as emotionally draining as a breakup. It just seems like another form of commitment phobia. It doesn't require anyone to interact in normal ways. You can carry on a dragged-out fantasy relationship that breaks everyone's heart in the end. No one has to put up with real people problems. You can only touch once in a blue moon. Life is just passing you by.
You seem to be a romantic at heart; but why don't you find yourself someone you can really be close to? I mean in every sense. Do you feel that would be too demanding?
I feel for you brother. I just don't understand how you can put yourself through it, again and again.
Allow yourself at least one good relationship with all the trimmings. Fights, loving, making up, making plans, and learning to compromise. I guess when she's far away, she can't see what you're doing when she's not around. In that sense it may be pretty easy and convenient.
A real relationship requires much more personal involvement and commitment. You should get some practice having regular relationships; so you won't lose touch with reality.
I read posts from lonely lovely ladies looking for guys like you. They don't want a guy miles and miles away. The need someone close and able to connect with them.
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