A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This is completely new to me so I really hope someone can help. I have been with my boyfriend for the last seven years. We got together very young and had only ever been intimate with each other. We moved in together over a year ago and I really thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. I few months ago he suddenly told me he didn't think he oved me anymore. It broke my heart and I told him that I deserved more than that. I was hoping that it would be enought to scare him and realise how he really felt. After we split I was desperate for him to come back to me but he really didn't seem bothered by the fact that we'd split, in fact he mentioned feeling relieved. A few weeks ago he told me that he loved me and how stupid he had been and that he wanted to give things another go. During the time we split I slept with someone else. I guess feeling so low at the time this other guy made me feel really good about myself. I have told my boyfriend about the other guy and as you could imagine he found this rather difficult to deal with but still wanted to give it another go after a long arguement. My problem now is that we are trying to give it another go but now I really don't know if I feel the same anymore. Rather that feeling happy I just feel trapped. I still love him and care about him deeply but I just don't think i'm happy. I really don't know what to do now. I mean do I wait it out and hope things will get better, and risk hurting him more if it doesn't or do I end things now and finish it for good? This problem probably sounds really trivial but it is getting me down. Any advice anyone can give would help a lot. Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2010): Wow I was almost in the exact same situation as you. I was with a guy for 7 years, since we were 16 and 18 years old, and I thought he was the man I'd marry. We had only ever been intimate with each other, too.
It was really hard to admit to myself that my love and attraction to him had disappeared--and even harder to tell him it was over for good--but ultimately it's the only decent thing to do. You wouldn't want a man to call himself your boyfriend and go through the motions of loving you when all along he wishes he weren't with you, right? Do him the same courtesy and be honest with him the way you were honest with us.
I mean, the first couple of things you say in the last paragraph are very telling "I really don't know if I feel the same anymore" and "Rather than feeling happy I just feel trapped". After that you begin to question your options and wonder if you should wait and see if things improve. I think it might be helpful for you to stay with your feelings a little longer (like, don't push them away or rationalize them, really sit there and feel them) before you start thinking about your options. It sounds like your feelings are trying to be heard pretty loud and clear. Hear them.
As for whether you should stay or leave...well, no one really knows how much potential everyone has inside them until it is revealed, so it's impossible to say whether the situation with him will ever improve. Maybe you're just re-adjusting to each other after your time apart. Or maybe you've had a taste of freedom, of other guys, of another way of being, and you are not longer suited to be in a relationship with this guy. These are questions you'll have to ponder further.
But my belief is, even though it will hurt him to break up again, the hurt is worth it if it's the only decent and honest thing to do. Don't be afraid to do the right thing if it hurts someone. Just because someone is hurt as a consequence doesn't mean it's wrong.
And this isn't a trivial question. You've grown up with this guy. You had a lot invested in each other. You've had a lot of shared experiences.
But that DOESN'T mean you owe him anything; so often, relationships can outlive their purpose and appropriateness. It may not be appropriate for you to stay with him--it may keep you from growing, and life is about growing. You need to do what makes you happy. If you're with him and you're unhappy, you're not doing him any favors.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2010): You have to seduce him to have Sex with you
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A
female
reader, spiderweb  +, writes (26 August 2010):
 Your problem doesn't sound trivial at all. You are clearly a sensitive and kind person and don't want to hurt his feelings. As much as he had the right to break up with you some months ago, you have the same right to break up with him now, not because of revenge but because the time apart made you realize he is probably not going to be your life partner. Rather make the choice now, before you end up married and feeling trapped with the wrong person. What's past is past and in your heart you know he isn't right for you. You aren't helping him or yourself by hanging on, hoping time will miraculously make you fall in love with him again.
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