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We are both married and attracted to each other. Should I be friendly with him or keep ignoring him?

Tagged as: Cheating, Dating, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 March 2011) 6 Answers - (Newest, 13 March 2011)
A female Australia age 41-50, anonymous writes:

Hi Cupids.

Is it possible for two married people to be friendly with each other if they both know there is an attraction between them?

I am experiencing this. I am attracted to a man I see regularly. I am certain he is also attracted to me. I used to be friendly with him but I have since distanced myself from him. I feel that if I get too close to him, even on a friendship level, that our feelings could become deeper and the attraction could get out of hand. I haven't seen him in awhile and this has helped a lot but I have been seeing him again and have been ignoring him. Game playing is not very mature but it is what you have to resort to because you cannot express how you are feeling under the circumstances.

I love my husband but our marriage is challenged right now so I am feeling a lot more vulnerable than usual. This is another reason why I have distanced myself from this man. He seems to have taken my lead and is now ignoring me as well. Maybe because I have ignored him? I think neither of us is sure how to handle it so we have been ignoring each other.

I feel that as a woman it is up to me to put a stop to what could potentially develop. A guy will move forward if he gets a green light from the woman but I am not giving a green light. I feel awful that it has to come to this because I have feelings for him but I am trying to do the right thing. I also wonder if he could be a player and is looking for one thing only as he is already married. Even though I am also married, I realize that if I gave in to him, I would just be used and tossed away because like many men, they just want to have their fun while keeping their wives. I am too good and have too much self respect to fall for this and be treated in this way.

I wonder what your opinions are. Am I making a big deal out of this or over reacting? Should I just keep speaking with him and enjoy the fact we are attracted to each other and leave it at that? Or is this attraction a threat? The bottom line is I cannot come out to play because I am married. Same should apply to him.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2011):

I am in this situation right now, we started off as friends and ended up having an affair, and believe me it is heart ache, all the nights he is with his wife,wondering what he is doing, i t started out as a bit of fun, we fell in love, but I would never feel I have the right to ask him if he would leave his wife, cos at the end of the day we are in the wrong, I too am married, we are both unhappy in our marriages, and i know his wife too and know they both are unhappy. It is fantastic when we are together, but now 5 months down the line, it has got hard to be apart, I constantly check my secret phone for his messages, when they are not there I am disheartened, it is painful, do not go there, once you do there is no stopping, you fall in love with a man you can never really be with. I have to find a way to stop mine, and now its so difficult being in love with him.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2011):

Stay away woman. Been there and it cost me a lot. The attraction and attention is great but it leaves such a painful consequences. Even I falled in love. Now I am in such a mess I cannot even described. Trust me stay away

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2011):

"A guy will move forward if he gets a green light from the woman"

Not only the guy will.

Many times it is the married woman as well if she gets the green light from the man. Both men and women have to deal with this when they are married.

You are right, this is exactly how affairs start, and they occur at "challenging" times in marriages (and that is defined differently in every marriage).

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A female reader, GeeGee255 United States +, writes (10 March 2011):

GeeGee255 agony auntNo you are not over reacting and yes it was time to end the friendship once you realized an attraction was growing.

That is how affairs get started and they usually end very very badly for everyone involved.

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A female reader, cupidus Canada +, writes (10 March 2011):

cupidus agony auntThis sounds like you have a dessert shop across from your gym.

You have to decide how many reps on the bench press it will take to eat your cake.

You could stay in the gym and build that body or you

could just eat cake, or you could have both and get no where.

I think your marriage should come first and that is your gym, that is your word, your loyalty, your pride.

If that ends in all effort than and only than will it be safe to journey towards another result. However, I still don't think it should be a dessert shop, unless you are the baker, the owner and it comes from a place of pride not temptation and instant gratification, those things just play havoc with the mind and body. But of course you know all this !

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2011):

The attraction is a threat. Your gut instincts are spot on. I would advise you to maintain the healthy distance. You need to do that in order to work on and maintain your marriage. I was in a similar experience and I got sucked into an emotional affair by being careless with my own heart. It was without a doubt the most painful mistake I ever made in my life. The other person is a co-worker, so cutting ties was painful and difficult but I've done it and only now after a good few years do I finally feel back to normal. It was an ordeal. So, save yourself all of that nonsense and stay away from other married men. Good luck.

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