A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Was I in an emotionally abusive relationship?At first my ex was very loving and the perfect gentleman. After a little while he stopped having sex with me, stopped giving me physical affection and began completely ignoring me, even when I was in the same room. He would play computer games. If I asked for his company, he would say that he was happy to be in the same room as me. After some time this made me feel invisible and worthless. I tried explaining how I felt, but if I got upset, he would lose his temper and shout at me. He would lecture me for an hour about how this is the way he is. He can't be anything else. It was me that had a problem for feeling upset all the time. I should be able to control my emotions more. This made me afraid to speak up. Looking back now, I see that he rarely tried to understand how I felt. He also made jokes out of how I felt. He would joke in public that he didn't like sex, in front of me, which made me feel awful. When he played games, I'd be sat in the same room, reading or something. He speak to his friends about me saying that his bird wants to watch a film with him and make a joke out of it. This made me feel stupid and small and unimportant. He even refused to sit next to me on the sofa, saying he wanted to sit in HIS chair. He refused to go on holiday with me, or to see a gig, but went with his friends to the same place I'd wanted to go to. He refused to visit me at Uni, I had to travel to him. One time he did come, he complained the whole time, dismissed any of my suggestions for things to do, and complained because I had no TV. Then he played computer games on my laptop.He also used to ask if I had cheated on him from time to time and boasted that hot women had come on to him. When we did something together he'd complain he was bored.I finally grew a backbone and split from him after 4 years. But looking back, I can see how damaging the relationship was. I thought it was good because he was very charming when he wanted to be, friends and family loved him, I loved him at first. There were good things about our relationship. But I can see that his behaviour could be emotionally abusive. I did blame myself for everything. I thought I wasn't attractive enough, or fun enough, I thought I was clingy and needy. But looking back I just wanted a normal, loving relationship, which he refused to give to me. Thank you for your help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2013): Strength comes from accepting the truth. You had to look through eyes that weren't clouded by your emotion. It doesn't make you hurt any less; it only makes it easier to understand.Thereby, making recovery faster. I'm glad you did some research to see what I meant. I was in a similar situation and had to face a lot. I was contacted by a friend recently who saw my ex at a recent event, introducing his new boyfriend.I did feel a tinge of discomfort; but knowing what I know gave me power and resilience. You have to step aside from your emotions in order to see things more clearly. That's what you did.Don't hesitate to reach out to us when you need support.That's what we're here for.My best to you!
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (3 November 2013):
 Don't worry about him or trying to figure him out. He was not who you though he was or who you wanted him to be. He was just a sad sack of shallow man-folk and NOW you are rid of him.
Good for you to block and un-friend him, there was no need to keep him in your life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, I just wanted to give a little update, as things have moved on for me.
First of all, I have found out he is now dating a lady a couple of years younger than me(he was 15 years older than me). At first I felt a wave of emotions similar to the original break up. Then I examined my emotions and realized I felt sickened because it appeared that their relationship is so similar to how ours began. Unfortunatly I had him on my facebook still, as he manipulated me into remaining "friends" with him, even though I wouldn't call us friends. So I had seen a few interations.
So this has led me to wondering if he could be a narcassit and reading about narcassism. And the more I read, the more stunned I am, as almost all I have read sounds exactly like our relationship! The 3 phases - first he was excessively charming and made me believe he was "the one". Getting very close very quickly and involving me in his life completely. Hooking me. Then the sudden change where his behaviour towards me changed - witholding sex and affection. Then dismissing or belittling me when I expressed my hurt and confusion. This continued until I felt really low and confused and worthless. Yet he continued to give me enough attention and charm and manipulated me with long explanations about why he didn't like sex or why he would rather play computer games all night than spend time with me or cuddle me. He was very good at it and I was so young and naive, I sadly fell for his stories for 3 and a half years, before i managed to detach enough to end it. But even then he had enough power over me to claim that it was a mutual break up and announce it as such to everyone before me, therefore coming off looking good to the public.
It's amazing how much clarity and understanding I now have! I am shocked but thankful that it is over. At first I was really sad to hear he has a new girlfriend. But now I know that the person I loved, was never real. And even underneith everything, he true self, I know that that person will never be able to love me like I loved him. The new girlfriend will most likely go through a similar experience to me, and I hope it is not as bad for her. Maybe he will change.
Either way, I feel peace. I have removed him from my facebook and feel happy to say goodbye. i cannot be "friends" with him, as I am still weakened and hurt from our relationship, and contact with him always leaves me feeling badly and confused afterwards. So I need to be strong and leave him behind. And most of all, remember who he truely is, not the illusion that I at first believed.
Thank you for your help, I needed it and appreciated it :) xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2013): I'm glad you freed yourself of that experience. It's not to be considered a relationship. There was no love, sex, or affection of any kind. You were infatuated with a beast.Please work on that issue with your self-esteem. If you continue to place your worth on how men are attracted to you; you are doomed to always settle for men who are unworthy of you.Yes men are visual and unemotional creatures to some degree;but how you view yourself has a huge impact on the type of men you allow yourself to connect with. You'll attach to men for acceptance; rather than in exchange for love and respect.There are no perfect people in this world, we all have flaws and imperfections. However; you already had a low opinion of yourself before you had a "so-called" relationship with that man. You accepted his attention in gratitude. He soon got full of himself and started behaving like a narcissist. They just feed on your pain and show very little emotion. They can be quite charming until you really get deeply emotionally attached; then the cold-hearted monster comes out.They feed on weakness and the narcissistic supply you give them is all they need; until they suck you dry, and drain you of all the light in your soul. They kill your spirit.They pound you into the dirt. Not necessarily physically, but mentally. Which is equally as bad as being hit.Almost everyone will meet someone like that, and they aren't always men. Narcissistic women can be pretty cold too; and be exactly the same as men, in a mismatched situation. They look for people with low self-esteem and a care-giving nature. They feed on the weak like vampires; and behave like human-sized mosquitoes.Yes he was abusive. He showed all the traits of a narcissist. You must seek some counseling; because there are emotional scars left that may not be apparent to you.Oh, but those kind of people don't let go until they know they've left a mark. They celebrate your pain and suffering; and laugh at your tears. They are very sick people. They have very dark souls.You got the strength to break free. However; in order not to find that same kind of man, you need to develop self-love and self-respect. You can't always get it from other people. Self-worth is supposed to be constantly developed, nurtured, and maintained over the span of your lifetime. You can't be loved, if you don't love yourself. You expect very little for what you give, when you don't believe you're worthy of it. So he didn't give you any.Just enough at the beginning to lure you in.He stole a lot of the spirit that you had, and you need to regenerate that. It will only happen when you stop believing you're not worthy, or not that attractive. No one can give that to you, but you. A narcissist is the exact opposite of what you've described yourself to be. That's what made you his favorite source of supply. You're an easy target.Look for women's support groups and read all you can about narcissism. Please do not believe this is a disorder found in men. It knows no gender and it can be displayed in small degree in all humans, at one time or another. For some people, it just so happens to be a full-fledged personality disorder. It's a type of sociopath. Good luck! Appreciate your freedom!
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (14 October 2013):
I've never really experienced low self esteem, but it seems like something that is incredibly common in women for some unfortunate reason.
You should try going to therapy. I don't know how they do it in England, but in the US there are options available if you can't afford the full cost.
I think an important part of having good self esteem is to not let the words of others affect you too much. The only person in charge of how you feel about yourself should be you!
My wife has self esteem issues and will sometimes say "you made me feel stupid/ugly/etc" when I don't think I said anything that should hurt anyone. Sometimes not saying anything at all makes her feel that way. I tell her I didn't MAKE her feel anything, it was she that did it to herself. The thing is, she ISN'T stupid and she ISN'T ugly, so why should words all of a sudden change that?
When your self esteem is higher than normal, list all of your positive traits. Look in the mirror and remind yourself that you're not ugly. Then, when you're feeling like you aren't good enough for whatever, remind yourself that your low self esteem is just an illusion. It's not a cure, but it may help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your advise. I don't know why I stayed so long... I became unhappy with things in the first year. I think because half of the time we were long distance, and he would talk to be every day on skype and was very sweet and loving. So I guess that meant it took longer to realise, in real life, he wasn't really good boyfriend.
I don't know why I stayed so long. I had and have a low opinion of myself. I thought he was so cool because he is so confident and arrogant, that the problem must be that I was not fun/interesting/sexy enough. So I tried harder to get his attention. I just didn't want to believe that a man who was so lovely to me at first, could really be not who I thought he. I didn't want to believe that, because no one has ever seemed to like me so much, so accepting that he wasn't who I thought he was, meant accepting that I was never really loved by him, so I pondered about what I could do to make our relationship better.
The sad thing is he was so much better than my previous boyfriend, so at the start he was like a dream. All my friends loved him too. He is very popular. So how could I believe that he was really that selfish? I thought there must be some other explanation. Until I realized I was so unhappy with him, and that I could be happy without him.
The problem is, I really do have very low self esteem. It could be my personality, or the way I have been treated in the past. But I really do feel I am worthless and it will be hard to change my opinion of myself. For brief times, he made me feel important. At least realizing that I deserve more than the scraps of affection he threw me is a step in the right direction.
Thanks for your help.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (14 October 2013):
Abusive? I'm not sure about that. But he definitely sounds like one of the most selfish people I've ever heard of.
In the future I hope this experience helps you to recognize when you and the person you're with are completely incompatible, because that's really what this boils down to.
The right girl for him is someone who doesn't want affection, attention, intimacy, respect, etc., and that's obviously not you.
I hope you don't carry the weight of this relationship with you. The only thing you did wrong was staying with him for too long. Otherwise, the problem was all him, and an isolated incident that, hopefully, you'll never experience again.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (14 October 2013):
 I only had to skim through your submittal to see that you really weren't in a "relationship" AT ALL!!!!! You were some kind of "emotional punching bag" for this creep.... AND, you were persistent enough to last for as long as you did!!!!....
Now... recognize the futility of hanging around with this cretin and get away from him... and have a good "rest of your life."
Good luck.....
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 October 2013):
Good for you for leaving after 4 years of that!
Was what I would call emotionally abusive - in a way he was, but more over, I think he was really just enormously selfish and emotional unavailable. His whole world was supposed to revolve around him. He DIDN'T care how you felt, it was unimportant and basically so were you. For him you were more of a trophy then a GF. Someone to show off here and there but not really care deeply for.
You have thought ALL this time that there was something wrong with you, for him to have acted the way he did? Because I can tell you this, there wasn't anything WRONG with you. He didn't treat you this way because YOU were YOU. He was/is an ass, who has no clue how to treat a GF, how to be a decent person and could be he was even addicted to his gaming.
My advice, look back on this relationship and ask yourself WHY did I stay 4 whole years? Why did you not realize that YOU CAN walk away from a guy like that.
In the future when you meet a guy, go slow. Don't compare any new ones to this asshat, that would be unfair to them. Take time getting to know them and IF red flag (for you) starts to pop up KNOW that is IS OK to question them. And if the guy reflects it back on you (like your ex did) WALK away. Don't waste another 4 years loving a guy who isn't willing or capable of loving you back. There are worse things them being single. (like dating a total asshole).
YOU are in charge of how you let people treat you. They treat you like crap, you drop them and walk away.
Last but not least, BE PROUD that you did walk away.
WANT more for yourself. TRUST your instincts. Watch a guys actions, don't just listen to his words.
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