A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi hoping for some good advice. I am a divorced mum of three and have been dating what i thought was a fab guy for nearly 12 months.I have been planning a surprise for him and wanted to ask his friend what he thought would be the best thing to get him. So i looked at his email to check out the friend address. when opening i saw an email from my boyfriend saying something about someone he would wish to do!! Curioisty got the better of me and i looked at the emails below. I know I shoudn't hindsight is fab.Anyway, there was a few comments made by my BF about spending time with me and the kids at my little girls party, how he would rather have his bits chewed off..there was also a comment about how one of my friend was do able as well. There were some other comments about being tied down to me and how he could still get away if he wanted. His mate was telling him to get away while he could, that i was nice but shame about my baggage ,guess that's my children. there were some other comments 2 about how the kids will end up psychos they are just kids playfull and full of energy. My BF is 30 and has no kids.He is always telling me how much he loves me and the kids and wants to be with us all, now i don't know what to think..Is this just male banter or should i be as worried as i am. Don't want to tell him that i invaded his privacy even though i did. I feel bad about that especially as i didn't think for one minute what i would find and now i don't know what to do at all..do i finish it now or do i try to talk to him help please
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone, my head is so battered at least he is away so i have got time to think, feel so bad for the kids as they all adore him. I dont want to be by myself again but dont think i could just ignore and glad to see that its not just me that thiks what he did was wrong.
A
female
reader, betty_black +, writes (26 June 2009):
 And just so you know, ive been around my boyfriends friends, and when their girlfriends arent around its hideous how they talk about them! I dont know if my boyfriends guilty of it with me, but his friends arent too kind at all. Its just a man thing! Ive been there when his friends have been slagging off men who are "babied up" and one of his friends was sending texts to his girlfriend saying he hopes she wins her custody battle and telling us he hopes she doesnt cos he cant cope with kids. Its just a mans way, not all men, but the very immature and typical ones. I wouldnt stand for what hes done if i was in your shoes!
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A
female
reader, betty_black +, writes (26 June 2009):
I dont know what it is about men and having a family! Theres some men that absolutely love having children, regardless of whether its their own or step-children, but then the vast majority play up to their friends about it like "ohh shes nice but shes got baggage" and they seem to feel tied down by children! I just dont understand it. I think you should confess you stumbled across them trying to find his friends address and are sorry for invading his privacy but what he said really upset you. Its best to get it out in the open! And dont worry about the do-able thing thats just some men for you, absolutely no respect for women! lol. He just sounds like a typical man, nice enough when your around and talks like an arsehole about you to his mates! I really think you need to talk to him about it. And if i was you i'd seriously consider ending it. Its not nice or respectful the way hes been talking about your children! He needs to grow up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2009): I always say, when a man's words and actions are contradictory, go with the actions. Usually, the situation is reversed, however.
I would not admit to him that you got into his emails, this could be a great offense to him and a huge invasion of his privacy, it could even be the straw that broke the camel's back and he might break up with you.
I know his words aren't what you wanted to hear, but everyone talks smack behind each other's back. It is the rare individual that doesn't do it. As far as him saying someone is doable, I think you are reading too far into it. He didn't say he was going to do her, he said no more than ....she is hot.
Kids are very hard on someone who doesn't have children of their own. Even if yours are angels, they still come first before him. This is hard for many males egos and I give him credit for being there.
Instead of turning this into a bad thing, use it as a turn-around for your relationship. Put him first sometimes and don't force him into spending time with your kids.
Whatever you do, don't snoop anymore. Since you've done it once, you will be tempted to do it again. This will destroy your relationship.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (26 June 2009):
 It might be his true feeling ( around his mates) I think some men are insecure about telling their mates that they actually LIKE having a family, even if it is pre-made. I think at 30 he is too old to be this insecure.
I think however that you need to talk to him.
Also let it be a lesson to never snoop. It's like listening at the door when people talk about you - sometimes you will hear things you wish you hadn't heard.
I'm sorry. Talking smack about the children is what I find the most upsetting.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for that he is away for the weekend, so at least i have some time to think about what is for the best. I do love him and feel so disapointed in him. I think deepdown i knew he was to good to be true..I dont want to hurt the kids as well, but if thats the way he feels about them then its best to confront him about what i saw.
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A
female
reader, bobbles32  +, writes (26 June 2009):
 I know how devastated you must be. I personally would end it right away. I like my guy to be the same person no matter who he is around.. and I would not want him to be mentioning my friends as doable to anyone. I would tell him why you went into his email and then just explain what you saw. You'd think he'd delete those emails anyway?
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